Thanks to everyone who gave me emotional support, guidance, and criticism through the past few days, I have done much reading on this site, some of it helps a great deal, some of it hurts very much to read, however all of it honest, and true.

I have been seeing a counselor and am doing a great job of working my plan, W is still moving 1000 miles away in 1 week, however it is not about her now it’s about me.

Working my plan, I have pulled away, not pursing, or imploring, not speaking about marriage, not initiating talks, or over talking. I have been busy exploring, being busy, and being strong. While doing this I have remained open, without criticism, and have not been verbally abusive, I really do see the power as actions do speak much louder than words! Inside a part of me still wants to change my W, however the more I focus on “my” changes, the less I care to change my W, and the more I see these changes necessary for my own happiness. I realize that my life will move on with or without my W.

Here is my current dilemma, while being strong and continuing to make positive changes in my life, I have our 5 year old daughter's best interests to be concerned about. What is best for my daughter? Option #1: As things stand, my W is moving 1000 miles away with my daughter; however I am confident this is the best possibility of working the relationship out, even long distance. Option #2: Fighting for my parental rights and potentially causing my wife to pull away completely. Only thinking about my daughter, what option is best?

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I have been with my wife nearly 10 years, we have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, the last 2 years have been extremely rough, nearly losing everything we owned, while starting new careers and rebuilding, it has not been easy.

The stress it has put on the relationship is high. My wifes common reaction is to shut down, and be cold, and my reaction has been to be verbally abusive towards her. Neither of us gaining the comfort we both needed.

I love my wife so very much, but she is now planning on leaving me, moving over 1000 miles away. We can talk now, but no matter how much I try to reason, my wife does not want anything to do with working out the relationship, she says life is too short. Since I have scheduled councelling for myself, however she says its too late.

There is much more to this story, but the bottom line is I love my wife, and I want nothing more than to make things work. How do I prove my sincerety?

She is moving in less than 2 weeks.

What can a guy do to pull back when he's been pushing for so long?

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: John433 ]</small>

Hi John.

My fiance has been verbally abusive for many years and I have to say that it is very hurtful the things that came out of his mouth. Those mean words stick with you forever. It tears one down emotionally. The sad part is that I have heard so many times "I will change I promise" that I tend not to believe it anymore and I walk on eggshells wondering when the next outburst will happen. So I can see where she is coming from in saying that it is too late. She is afraid that if she takes another chance that you will go back to your old ways and she does not want to be hurt like that any more. But really imo it is never too late to work on oneself and work on the relationship. I am glad to see you reaching out for help and I hope that you are sincere in your wanting to change. It takes a lot of work to change that type of behavior, you have to be very aware of yourself and your mood and you have to have control over that anger that causes you to lash out at her. It is not her that makes you angry, anger is a reaction to an emotion that you are having and rather than dealing with the emotion at hand you are lashing out and avoiding that emotion.

Have you always been verbally abusive or did this come on after your financial difficulties? Were you verbally abused as a child? Were you always put down as a child? Did you feel like you couldn't live up to the expectations that you parents had of you?

Being that we are on oposite ends here I think that we could both give each other some insight on this matter and we could learn a lot from each other.

Jade

I must add that I tend to not trust in your sincerity because of what I have been through myself. I am sitting here wondering if you are sincere in wanting to change or if you are just trying to get inside the mind of an abused person to see what may work for you to get her to stay. There are no magic words though for you to get her to stay. Actions dear, that is what you must do. You can tell her until you are blue in the face that you will change but she is not going to believe that. She may very well leave but that doesn't mean that you can't still work on changing your behavior and learning what it is within yourself that you are hiding from. And if she does leave that doesn't necessarily mean that it is permanent. If she does leave then use the time apart to change you behavior and then prove to her through actions that you are capable of changing this. You can't force her to stay with words, that will only push her out the door faster. Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? You should if you haven't. There is a lot of helpful information. basic concepts

I am willing to talk with you back and forth here, I just won't be giving you inside tips on how to keep her there only because I know the pattern and I wouldn't want to be responsible for getting a victim to stay and then you go back to your old ways again but I am willing to help you in any way I can for you to change your verbally abusive behavior because that really is the only way that you can make your marriage work. And changing is not easy nor can it be done overnight. It takes lots of self exploration and counseling too. Is the counselor that you are gonna start going to knowledgeable about verbal abuse? If not then you may want to contact a DV shelter and ask them if they can recommend a good counselor or if they have a program for you. There are many programs that are geared towards the abusive person that help you learn why you do and and they teach you how to change the behavior. The programs are called batterers intervention, now don't take the word batterer as meaning physical violence because not all abuse is physical. Here is a self test for you that I pulled from a site about an intervention program for men.

Ask yourself (a self-test)!
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Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, or threatened your partner, or frightened or intimidated her in other ways?
Has she told you that she's afraid of you, or shown fear in other ways? Are your children afraid of you?
Do you frequently insult her, call her names, or say other things that make her uncomfortable?
Do you often pressure her to do things your way, even if she doesn't want to?
Does she complain that you are trying to control her life?
When you treat her badly, do you consider it her fault? Do you blame it on alcohol, stress, or family problems?
Have you cheated on her?
Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?
Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you could benefit from the ******** program. Our experience shows us that once a man begins to abuse in any of these ways, he has a problem that won't go away, and will most likely get worse. Men often feel guilty and apologetic after an abusive incident, and may promise themselves and their partners that they will change. Unfortunately, we have found that even with the best intentions, men do not stop being abusive without outside assistance.