I’m just wondering if anyone has advice on how they overcame a fear of communicating with their spouse/ partner.

Whenever my BF and I argue, I clam up. It’s just what I do. I came from another relationship where every argument blew up into shouting and berating. So I learned to just not say anything. My BF now communicates his feelings, wants, needs, very well. It makes him crazy that I just clam up when there is a problem. He tries very hard to work things out with me, and often interprets my silence as not caring. I’m getting married next year and want to resolve this before then. He’s done nothing to make me not feel comfortable opening up to him with whatever I feel. I just can’t seem to get past the fear of HUGE arguments like I’ve experienced in the past.

Any advice here is appreciated. Thanks for listening!

Have you explained to him your prior situation? He needs to understand what you had been through in the past and that it is going to take some time for you to feel safe in discussing issues and feelings and even though he is not the person who had hurt you that you are going to have problems because the manner in which things came up before taught you to keep your mouth shut or else. You can learn to communicate with your new guy but it will take time because you have to unlearn what you were taught by your ex and and have to learn to trust in yourself and your own judgements again. You need to build self trust and confidence. You also must realize that he is not going to hurt you like you were hurt by your ex. I have a link to a web site that I think might do you some good web page , on that site I felt the the first 3 topics which are listed on the left side are helpful. Also read Dr. Harley's basic concepts, there is a lot of good advice within this website itself.

Jade,

Thanks so much for your response. I will go take a look at the website you suggested right now. I started reading through the basic concepts here last night, and like what I've read so far. It seems like there is a lot of good advice to be found here. I know it will take time. I'm lucky that he knows that and is a very patient person. It's just hard to WANT to unlearn certain behaviors and not know where to start. Thanks again for the suggestions! Take care,

PH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I totally understand what you mean about how hard it is to unlearn that. I have been in a relationship for 15 yrs with a verbally abusive man. In my case though I am still with him and I am trying to learn how to communicate. He has changed but still has a long way to go. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here to listen and help in any way I can. It is such a huge help I think when you have people who understand what you are going through. Good luck and I wish the best for you.

Jade,

Thanks again for the website suggestion. I took a look at it and printed out a lot of things to read over. There were some really good suggestions there.

15 years is a long time Jade. I know it's possible for people to change if they really want to. My ex didn't think he had a problem and therefore, wasn't willing to change one bit. Here's hoping things continue to get better for you. Have a great day!

PH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />