Thanks to everyone who gave me emotional support, guidance, and criticism through the past few days, I have done much reading on this site, some of it helps a great deal, some of it hurts very much to read, however all of it honest, and true.

I have been seeing a counselor and am doing a great job of working my plan, W is still moving 1000 miles away in 1 week, however it is not about her now it’s about me.

Working my plan, I have pulled away, not pursing, or imploring, not speaking about marriage, not initiating talks, or over talking. I have been busy exploring, being busy, and being strong. While doing this I have remained open, without criticism, and have not been verbally abusive, I really do see the power as actions do speak much louder than words! Inside a part of me still wants to change my W, however the more I focus on “my” changes, the less I care to change my W, and the more I see these changes necessary for my own happiness. I realize that my life will move on with or without my W.

Here is my current dilemma, while being strong and continuing to make positive changes in my life, I have our 5 year old daughter's best interests to be concerned about. What is best for my daughter? Option #1: As things stand, my W is moving 1000 miles away with my daughter; however I am confident this is the best possibility of working the relationship out, even long distance. Option #2: Fighting for my parental rights and potentially causing my wife to pull away completely. Only thinking about my daughter, what option is best?

-------------------------------------------------

I have been with my wife nearly 10 years, we have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, the last 2 years have been extremely rough, nearly losing everything we owned, while starting new careers and rebuilding, it has not been easy.

The stress it has put on the relationship is high. My wifes common reaction is to shut down, and be cold, and my reaction has been to be verbally abusive towards her. Neither of us gaining the comfort we both needed.

I love my wife so very much, but she is now planning on leaving me, moving over 1000 miles away. We can talk now, but no matter how much I try to reason, my wife does not want anything to do with working out the relationship, she says life is too short. Since I have scheduled councelling for myself, however she says its too late.

There is much more to this story, but the bottom line is I love my wife, and I want nothing more than to make things work. How do I prove my sincerety?

She is moving in less than 2 weeks.

What can a guy do to pull back when he's been pushing for so long?

[ June 21, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: John433 ]

Well John I do think that you need to pursue your parental rights. Are you wanting custody of your daughter or visitation? If your wife has mental problems then she needs to get help for that. Has she been abusive towards your daughter? Have you shown any verbal abuse or anger towards your daughter? What is really most important is the wellbeing of the child you have together. I think that you both have a lot of things that need worked out individually before you can even think about trying to work on the marriage. I don't see how the therapist can say that she is seeing another man or that she has a disorder without him even having spoken with her. Seems that the therapist is picking at straws there IMO. He/she should hold judgement until he/she has actually spoken with your wife.

Sorry if I was critical of you. I know what it is like being on the receiving end of the verbal abuse and control and it can really destroy a person. You had mentioned about how your wife shuts down and sleeps a lot and doesn't seem to want to do anything around the house. I have felt that way too. I am going to paste a post that explains what happens to a person that is verbally abused. I don't know anything about any other mental problems that she may have or if she has had them all along but I hope that this helps in some way.

"I found this at a web site and it really made me think about all that an abused person gives up unknowingly over time.
I shouldn’t talk to any of my friends because “They’re crazy and messed up.” “We should spend our time together.” “I want to be with you, don’t you want to be with me?” “They don’t appreciate your company like I do.” In the process I lost my friends and any hopes of obtaining a clear perspective of what was happening in our relationship.

I shouldn’t go to certain places because “We could do something together.” “Don’t you want to be with me?” “We can have more fun together.” And so I lost my individuality.

I shouldn’t do certain things because “It’s not right.” “It’s silly.” “It can affect us.” “Or better yet let’s do this.” And so I lost my spontaneous nature.

I shouldn’t smile so much, or look guys in the eyes because “The guys will think you like them and that might cause problems.” And so I became more serious and reserved, and walked looking toward the ground.

I shouldn’t complain because I was “Too sensitive” “Exaggerating” or “Taking things too personally or seriously.” “Didn’t know how to take a joke.” And so I disconnected from my feelings because I thought I could not trust them.

I was expected to do everything to avoid putting “our relationship” in jeopardy by always taking into consideration the “we” and the “us”. When in reality there was never an “us”, there was only him, his way, his needs, his wants and desires. His need for absolute control.

I had to watch what I said (and it never mattered how I practiced it), walk on eggs, watch for any hints or gestures that would give me an indication of his mood. And so I became cautious and adopted an “on guard” approach in my interactions with him.

I shouldn’t provide opinions that differed from his because “You’re wrong”, “Not thinking straight.” “Too stupid to understand.” “Not seeing the point clearly.” or “Have no experience on the subject.” “You are being incoherent.” And so I began to doubt myself when I spoke. I believed my judgment and perspective was flawed.

Eventually, I became silent - because by becoming quiet you never said the wrong thing and thus had nothing to fear. One did not have to worry about getting “the look”, hearing him raise his voice, hear his speeches (verbal torture as I used to call it) or see his scary gestures. I stayed quiet because I was scared, I didn’t want the children to be scared. I also did not want to be embarrassed in front of family or friends. (I was anyway!) Silence meant I didn’t have to watch him get angry over the stupidest thing. I wanted to keep the peace. I also didn’t want to give him reason to attack me (I felt vulnerable). But, SILENCE had a price. One I paid dearly. On the outside I looked calm and complacent, but inside a storm of resentment and anger brewed. The more I kept quiet and refused to fight back, the more he thought he was right, the more he justified that his needs, wants, and desires were first. By staying quiet, I never told him of my needs and wants, and so never had any hope of these being acknowledged or satisfied. So, he was not responsible for my happiness, although I was responsible for his happiness.

They will attack your intelligence and over time you become - in their eyes - “immature”, “silly”, “stupid”, “ignorant” “a Barbie head.” “You need to be explained things at kindergarten level.” “You’re worse then my most inefficient employees.” “You’re going to make the company you work for incur losses when you make decisions.” “Are you sure you are learning in that college? I think you’re wasting your time” or “I glad I’m letting you study, you really need it!” Yet, when I had to study for a test or do a project, and it was going to take away time I could dedicate to him, he would say, “You’re smart, you can learn that quickly.” “You know that already, you don’t need to study.” “I bet you can learn that in no time, you’re so intelligent, study later.”

Funny how starting out you tell your mate everything, but as abuse continues and escalates, you learn not to trust him with your most secret thoughts and desires - because it can later be used against you! As you can see, these controlling abusers only allow things if it allows THEM to manipulate the situation to get a point across, make them look good, or make someone look bad.

Of course the impact of these words was indescribable. Some days were better then others. There were times when I could actually ignore these comments and see them for what they were. But at other times (the majority), they rang in my ears for hours, even days after they were said. They affected me in ways that until now, I did not understand. I became forgetful, I lost interest in cleaning the house, I wouldn’t fold the clothes, I lost interest in my appearance, I kept really busy, doing errands, visiting friends and family. I did anything in my power not to return home until I knew he was about to arrive. I laughed less and cried more. And it goes on and on.

The reason people tend to stay in an abusive relationship is because over time you begin to lose everything good about yourself and you begin to believe that you are all of the horrible things that they tell you. You feel that you won't be able to make it on your own because you feel stupid and incompetent and you have no self worth or self trust. You think that you won't make it on your own and that is because you have become co-dependant on your partner.

When I read this it all hit home. It's no wonder I slack on doing things around the house, no wonder I am so reserved and quiet, it's no wonder I feel so worthless, it's no wonder I have such a hard time making decisions about anything in life."

Some of the things that you mentioned about your wife are listed above. Especially this " I became forgetful, I lost interest in cleaning the house, I wouldn’t fold the clothes, I lost interest in my appearance, I kept really busy, doing errands, visiting friends and family. I did anything in my power not to return home until I knew he was about to arrive. I laughed less and cried more. And it goes on and on. ."

I hope that everything works out for the both of you and that you both get the help that you need.