hi tenbo,

he sent me an email yesterday to say that he has no desire for anything and me. He didn't mention Divorce but he just say he is disappointed and tired mentally of life itself. And he feels that he cannot bring himself to be intimate with me.

I'm a little shock, but I believe that it has to do with his current depression. Will seek more help amybe from Dr Harley himself.

What do you think?

NHP

Ouch! By all means get some REAL help. Dr Harley for sure. Stay strong. He did not mention divorce (mine did). Sounds like in extreme withdrawal and like you said depressed.

Under Emotional Needs you can also get help from senior members. I got some helpful threads from "Lady-Sheep" and read some very useful info from "Sweet Annie" and a couple of others.

So if you can get to a counselor right away, go to the Emotional Needs forum. You can even find my old thread there and see who all answered me. And then post for them to help you, I'm as new to this as you are. God Bless You. Tenbo

Hi tenbo,

At least I have a friend here to give me some support. All my friends and relatives have told me to ditched this heartless man. But deep down inside, I think the man I love is still there. So the more people tell me to ditch him, I become more resolute to stand by him (but have to go through this emotional roller coaster ride).

I am posting my problem to Cerri, she gives very good advice. I feel so helpless. I don't know how I should handle this situation.

thanks for being here...

hi NHP

So glad to hear you found someone who can give you good advice cause I sure don't know what I'm doing, going to do, or should be thinking. I keep telling myself "be patient."

You see, no matter how polite he is, it still doesn't FEEl right. I can't stand it. I miss my husband so bad. I just want to feel close to him, but there's this wall or something I can't get past/through.

I miss having someone to care about me. I miss having someone to share thinks with. How long will this take? I thought I could last as long as it takes provided that there is hope, but sometimes I feel so empty and alone, I don't know how long I can actually do this. But then I remind myself that "we're worth it." So I try to hold it together.

I'm really having a hard time tonight. He came home for Supper and stayed a while, we talked. His favorite aunt in another state is having a surprise birthday party in October. I suggested that we should go. To my pleasant surprise he agreed. Then to my shock, he stated that he had already taken that whole week off. (when did he do this? when was he going to tell me? Did the family fit into his plans for this week? Am I over reacting?) So since he had not told me that he didn't want me to go with him to his Aunt's BD party (a month ago he would have), I asked if he could take the day off on our anniversary 9/19. He shrugged, and talked about how he couldn't get Labor Day off, someon had beat him to it and some other stuff I didn't quite follow. So I said Just ask to have the evening off, our Anniv is on a weekend day this year. Again he shrugged. So I asked point blank, "Don't you WANT to do somthing for our Anniversary?" Again a shrug and a "I don't know."

I was crushed. Still am. Don't know what to think. My Taker is screaming at me LOUD, now. All I could do was pick up my laptop and go to work on a work project. I couldn't say anything, knew I would LB. And obviously I can't afford that. He sends me so many conflicting messages, it makes me crazy.

It was almost easier when he didn't want a thing from me; I knew where I stood. But now, he wants me to meet his needs, seems sincerely grateful that I do, is fun and pleasant to be around, asks me to meet his needs and every now and then is willing to meet some of my needs when I ask, but I always have to ask. Sometimes he simply says "no." Point blank "No." He's making me crazy. I just want him back. I can see and hear him sometimes. I just want him back.

Okay, I've rattled on enough for one day. Let me know how you manage to hold it together. Hearing from you helps. Praying things get better for you. Tenbo

hi tenbo,

So sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I'm also not making much progress.

I love busted big time over the weekend. Made him angry that I was talking to a few people. He called me to confront and asked me what I have been telling people....like you, I was crushed.
He sounds so adamant about not trying to get back together, I told him that I still love the person inside this angry man. I thought I better leave him alone for this month, don't call him or people around him. Everything I do seems to irritate him at this moment.

Worse thing is I told the brother that I will not divorce my H and he told my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> So I told my H that yes I will not agree to a divorce (was just trying to make a stand in this conflict). He didn't seem to respond.

I asked him if he was suffering from depression? He said only when he is not working (he seems to throw himself into his work). And he said he can work late and have dinner with friends, his brother or sometimes by himself. So I added that he can ask me for dinner. And he said, "I have nothing to say to you."

I also would like to move back home but I know that ultimately he will shift out and he has no where to go, and I cannot bear to do that to him.

I'm also thinking very hard how to show him that I have changed, guess that by not calling him leaving him alone, I'm showing that I'm independent....I'm so lost and confused right now.

Like you, I miss him alot. Can't understand how he can turn into a monster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He can really be cruel sometimes and it breaks my heart, really bad. Just know that love, patience and prayers will solve all problems.

Hey, will always be here for you, ok? Vent yourself to me here and I'll always be listening although I don't have all the answers.

NHP Hello

I feel so guilty for all the whining I was doing yesterday when I'm not having it near as rough as you. I was over reacting??? He came back a couple of hours later, took the rest of the night off, watch a moveie with me, talked and made love. Yeh, this time I am going to say "made love" not had sex. It was different than the past few weeks. So I apologize for all my whining. But thanks I will vent to you. Because like you I found out that talking to family or friends will only compound the problem.

However, I have it easier than you. We are still in the same house, carrying on (to the outside) like nothing has changed. You, however have to listen to advise whether you want it or not and have people prying and asking questions all the time. Then you have to weigh and judge, Do they want to help? or Are they judging? Just being curious for gossip sake? etc.

I think you are right about leaving him alone for a while, but you two might need to agree on what to tell and who to tell, so that there is no way he can get upset about you talking about private business. And you will have to answer questions or at least say something to shut up the questions as long as you live apart. But that's just MY opinion.

And of course, I don't have a clue about how to approach him on the matter. Maybe just be ready with it the next time he HAS to contact you about something; bills, insurance, child, meds, family, I don't know, but surely there is something he will have to come to you for.

Also I've been looking under Emotional Needs for your post. Ask for help there, ( there will be lots of questions about an affair, but that doesn't mean he's had one just because they ask) you will get a lot more answers, lot of different points of view, and lots of advice to weigh. They will give you lots to think about for yourself, who you are and where you want to be.

Likewise, vent to me anytime. No answers but glad to listen. Lots of Luck Tenbo

Hi tenbo,

Good to hear you are making progress. Doesn't that feel good! Just make sure you don't fall into the roller coaster trap (guess you know what I mean).

Actually, I'm quite glad to be away from my H, because every contact that we make seems to end in an argument (and this is not good, so I have decided to stop calling, just drop emails of encouragements with Gods teachings).

Guess I have resolved to pick up the other pieces of my life and enjoy the things I have been missing after I got married. Anyway, not sure how long it will take him to come out of his fog, so it is really a test of my patience. Moreover, doubt his family is going to give him peace for awhile, so I better keep a low profile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Spoke to a pastor who prayed for me and gave me strength to pray for myself and my H. There is also a website mentioned in MB that has lots of prayers and about how God restores marriages. I think it's www.rejoiceministries.com. Quite inspirational.

Hope that things will pick up on your side and HANG IN THERE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HI NHP

I do feel pretty good Right-Now, enjoying it while it lasts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sounds like you are on the right track now. Take care of and change yourself. That is if there is something you want to change. Like you I read every site, etc. I could find. Also from this site, I printed and read everyday and everynight, "A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts," "The Third State of Mind: Withdrawal," and "How One Spouse Can Lead the other Back to Intimacy." I just keep reading for encouragement and to know what to do and how to do it.

Then to help me change, I read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's common sense, very deep, but still common sense. So if you are ready to hear and become aware, you can improve your own state of happiness (peace). And I found that when I got here, H started to talk to me again and spend more and more time.

This book made me aware of the roots of my attitudes and behaviors that I've wanted to eliminate for years. The principles used to overcome my negatives help me work the concepts and help me not to LB. I don't know if I could have gotten tis far without changing myself (behaviors and attitudes). Stay strong.
P.S. How's the belly dancing? Tenbo

Hi Tenbo,

Good to hear that things are working out for you. Keep those positive thoughts, ok?

Belly dancing classes have been postphoned, guess they didn't have enough students to start a class. Waiting for them to inform me when classes will start.

Currently, I am learning to be a Christian. I do not use to have a religion but after this incident, thought I should give myself a chance to know God and see if it will build stronger foundations for the family. I have met a pastor who has given me very positive feedback that my H is suffering from depression. So I am in better control of my emotions and able to manage my reactivity to things. And I feel more peace since I put my trust in God that He will lead the way for me.

It's 12 am over here and I'm wondering if my H is home and how is he doing. Not sure if he is metally stable; because I think the mum is still calling him up and he is still avoiding her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Only thing I can do now is to keep praying for him (he gets reactive when he sees or hears me).

tenbo:Hve been reading your postings. I have a similar problem - been married almost 20 years and he says he is not interested in me any more. He has convinced himself that i cheated on him over a year ago. I did not and would not ever cheat on him. I asked him to try to work things out - it's been a week not very cordial to me every day but i can take that. Your story gives me new hope that i am doing the right thing. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my days with him and no one else. I am trying to implement some of the things i am reading. Thanks for your inspiration

Tenbo: Could also use some advise for the bedroom. Like you we still sleep in the same room. Any suggestions on what i might to to entice more than sleep?

K57Mo Hello,

It saddens me to know there are so many suffering from the same thing, but glad to talk to you.

My only advice to you about the bedroom is, YOU know what he likes and how he likes it. For instance, maybe you might just "go down" on him without any warning. For most men its hard to resist. But you are the only one that knows what he won't or can't say "no" to. I always heard men like their women to "take" them; found it real sexy. Seems to be true for mine.

For a while with my H it was just sex, no foreplay, no real intimacy, just sex. Then he gradually started to become considerate, one little thing at a time, (offering me a towel or drink after). But I had to grit and bear it for a long time, sex without much touching or kissing and then he'd just roll over. I felt used and hated it, but hoped it might be in the right direction because I know SF would be one of his most important ENs if I could ever get him to consider hearing about MB or Dr. Harley.

So think about your man, what he likes the most and don't get your feeling hurt when he just kinda uses you and maybe even act weird later, (not even look you in the eyes for a coulpe of days; mine said he felt guilty because he didn't love me). So I validated his feelings, by telling him I knew he didn't feel the same about me, but since things were so tense and strange, that the sex had help relax me; eased the frustration and I didn't think it meant anything but sex. And if it was Okay with him, then I'd like to continue so that we could stay faithful to each other, just in case things work out, there won't be anything (like an affair) that we couldn't take back.

This seemed to take the pressure off and he began to act more natural around me; initiating sex himself.

Stay strong, stay positive and go get him. Tenbo

NHP

Hi, I was reading your post and got a little confused. You said he was avoiding a call from Mum. Are you saying that everyone, Mum, brother and others are interfering with the two of you?

If this is true, that will be part of the trouble; they are keeping him on the defensive ALL the time. He never gets to relax and just think without trying to justify his actions, which naturally he has to be right and you wrong. He's always going to be short with you because he is continually defending himself.

I'll shut up now, may be way off base. Talk to you later. Tenbo

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar to your situation. I pray that everything works out for you both. I know this can feel real depressing and all, it looks like you still love him. If you would like to email me sometime and talk on instant messenger, I think we both need a ear. I am in so much pain right now, I have been like an emotional roller coaster for weeks now. My situation is that my fiancee left me. I am on the verge of losing my home etc. I am so hurt, but to be honest I have been somewhat ignorant on our relationship for the past 2 years, now I am paying for it. He left me because he couldn't take it anymore with my kids etc. This is what I am left with. The thing that hurts the most is that he still calls me and tells me that he still misses me and cares for me, what am I suppose to think here? He said he would never come back to this house. He calls me in the middle of the night and says to me "I miss you and I love you". Keep me posted on what's going on with you. Good Luck.

tenbo: thanks for your words of encouragement. Just what I was thinking. Also think he is having some sort of mid-life crisis. Just doesn't seem to be happy about his life. Am waiting for the right opportunity to "strike" but think you are right. I think it is a positive sign that he didn't leave, I think he does care about his family and is just frustrated. You should know we have had other assorted problems in our 20 plus years and always seemed to get through them. The night he told me he wanted to start a new life I reminded him of this and he had no reply. I look for small signs everyday that there is hope, for instance, last week he went out with a friend from work for beers, he put his wedding ring on (which he does not wear for work - does manual labor). My main problem seems to be that I cannot convince him that I have never cheated on him, I think this is something that he will have to realize himself - just wish i could speed this up. I don't think I will ever give up on "us" but I am trying to be strong, not combative and do small things to make him see how much i love him. I am a fighter (I fight for what I want)and not ready to give up. Thanks for your advice it is nice to have someone that understands. I think we are both of the nature not to give up on what we want and believe is right. Thanks again, you have given me hope. I'm not overly religious anymore but I do pray for all of us going through this and know God will give us strength.

Tenbo: Brief update - good night last night - he initiated - think things are back on the right track - kissed me and told me he loved me this morning before work. Definitely going in the right direction. Hang in there!!!

KMO, You go Girl! You give us all hope. I can't wait to hear "I love you." thanks for the update.

Angel Hi,
Yes I'd be interested in talking to you on email. I do love him and I'm not willing to let our marriage go. Can use all the help I can get. I'm not chat room savy or anything. So you'll have to get back and let me know what to do. Stay strong. tenbo

KMO
I just can't get over how happy your post made ME. That is just too cool. I can't quit smiling. You made my day. Thanks again. Tenbo

Tenbo: Have not heard from you recently. Hope things are going well. So far, so good at our house. Don't really know what changed his mind, but I do know that I haven't gone back. I mean that the changes I made after his little announcement are things I had stopped caring about too much ( appearance etc. ) I do think he was a little depressed, mid-life crisis type, and that contributed to his decision. The only advice I can honestly give it to hang in there. He still lives there for a reason and even he is probably not sure what he feels, but most likely it seems that he does still love you or he would have left. I have a hard time believing that I came to a web site for help, but I was pretty desperate and willing to learn anything that would help me. It helped that somewhere out there someone else felt the same as I did. I hope and pray that your marriage survives, I can see that is what you want. I now realize that marriage is a work in progress - always. So as you said to me, Stay Strong and go get him. Let me know!