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<small>[ July 15, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: upsetfornow ]</small>

Hi shinystarlight,

When you ask, "How do I change this?" are you referring to the resentment that you feel or are you asking for ideas to change your H's deplorable attitude? If you mean that you'd like ideas to lessen your feelings of resentment, I would say that will probably not be possible given the callousness with which you are being treated by, not only your H, but his ignorant and bratty kids also. Sounds like they are only emulating the despicable character their father is anyway and, for that reason, they probably will grow up to be the selfish, uncaring replication of their role model. When you were dating your H and sizing him up to become your H, did he speak in crude language to you then? Before you were married, did he allow his children to treat you with such disrespect by using foul language when you were around? If you condoned this type of deplorable behavior prior to marriage it may be difficult, if not impossible, to stop it now. I would start by telling my H that I would no longer allow his children to remain in the house if they couldn't learn to speak properly. Next I would tell him and his son that, from this moment on, if I ever heard that he or anyone else under 18 was viewing pornography, I would immediately report the activity to the proper authorities and let them work out the ensuing problems that attend child molestation or allowing minors involvement with such materials. If your H is interested in making the marriage work, then he must start by getting a grip on the realities of life. Allowing his own 12 year old son access to porngraphy is not only illegal for which there are dire consequences, it is shameful and unpardonable activity that will cause his son untold damage. I certainly hope that he isn't exposing his 16 year old daughter to the same pornography. This man needs help and I'm afraid that you are not capable of giving that help. About the best thing for you to do is to insist that he immediately seek proper counseling before he destroys the lives of his own children as well as you. Involving any child in pornography or allowing the involvement is not a small matter. I don't think I'm off base here but I may be. Perhaps others will post their concerns also, especially if I'm too far out of bounds. In the meantime, I applaud your decision to return to your church and urge you to continue to be strong in your faith.

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<small>[ July 15, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: shinystarlight ]</small>

Hi shinystarlight,

Changing the I-net access settings is a very good and positive first step. For the sake of the children I'm glad to hear that you made that move. Just remember that most 12 year old kids today know a great deal about computers and how to secretly avoid constraints placed upon them. Best you keep an eye open to what they're doing on the computer at least while at your home.

As for handling finances in second marriages I would think that there is really only one successful way to do that and that is really no different than any marriage. The money coming in should be placed into a joint account of some kind where both partners have equal access to it and any spending should be done with the full knowledge and agreement of both. That, of course, is if both partners are attempting to make their marriage a viable one that functions to satisfy the needs and desires of each other. Believe me when I say that only one partner working to make a marriage successful is only a disaster waiting to happen. It sounds to me that your H is not too interested at this time in holding up his end of the marriage vows and seemingly has little respect for your needs and desires nor in caring for you. This is evident from his allowing his offspring to be disrespectful to you as well as not giving you needed financial security and I imagine you could compile a list of Love Busters several pages long. I would think that you desperately need to ascertain if your H really wants to be in this marriage and, if so, is he willing to get off his uncaring a** and get to work learning how to care for you as well as the children involved. If he is not willing to start learning how to be a good H as he vowed (for the 2nd time) I think that life with him will only continue to worsen until you finally become fed up enough to make the break. Remember that you are a real person with real needs and desires; you do not need to take abuse in any form from anyone; you deserve to love and be loved and you deserve to have a good marriage. Ask if he is willing to read some of the books written by Dr Harley or if he will read the basic concepts presented in this web site and then see if he will talk to you about incorporating them into your marriage. If he is going to be haunted forever by his past marriage and think that you are going to "burn" him like is ex must have done, then he will have a very difficult time trying to be a proper H to you or anyone else. A good marriage is based upon truth, honesty and unfettered trust between the partners and your H must have the desire to make it work also. Your pastor may be helpful also especially if you need someone to talk to.