I love my husband, he is my best friend, really.

However, sometimes he does things that piss me off so bad I want to wring his neck! I know this is natural at times in any marriage. But I try to be calm. And tell him that what he did upset me so that he is aware what he did. All I really want if an apology and some understanding. Instead of this he argues and finds a way to rationalize it in his own head, he makes it my fault.

Somehow, some way, if I am upset about it he makes it my fault, not his, and ends up raising his voice towards me, telling me i am to blame.

It could be something as simple as him not washing the dishes when he told me he would. I have had low self esteem since puberty, and try to deal with this, but to have someone yell and blame me for something that is their own fault does not help, at all.

I mean what I said earlier, he is my best friend, and I love him dearly, but everyonce and a while (maybe one a month, once every other month) he does something annoying enough for me to complain, and I get blamed as a result. It makes it hard to communicate on an honest level, when you hold stuff inside to avoid this conflict.

Please help me know what to do...

Well, let me start by saying that I think what you're going through is part normal marriage stuff and part miscommunication. It's impossible to live with anyone without getting irritated from time to time. Living with someone reveals some of their worst habits and personality traits - that's just reality (and remember, he's discovering yours too!). If you're only finding yourself getting irritated once a month or once every other month, count your lucky stars!! There are those of us who reach our limits every day! But I suspect that this is much more than "he said he'd do the dishes and then didn't". I'm sure you've heard the comment that when couples fight about money, they're not really fighting about the money; there's an underlying issue for which money becomes the scapegoat. Take some time to really think about what surrounds those occasional moments of intense irritation that you experience. Maybe the next time you feel that happening, take the time to write out an account of the days leading up to the incident you're inclined to blame your irritation on. My theory is that there's something else bothering you when he fails to do the dishes (or whatever the incident might be). I know my husband seems to have a knack for picking the most inconvenient times to make an honest mistake! LOL And also remember that being irritated is a normal, instinctive response when someone lets us down. It's what we do with that irritation that's important. If you've never read the book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", you probably should. It's been a great help to me. There's a technique in it called the love letter technique. The gist is, when your husband does something like this that causes you irritation, sit down and write him a letter. Express your full range of emotions (I'm angry because, it makes me sad that, etc.) Don't leave out the fact that despite your anger or disappointment, you love him and you desire to be close to him. After you sign the letter, add a PS that BRIEFLY describes the response you'd like. (The response I'd like from you is...) Throughout the love letter, be brief but clear. Men respond better to brief statements that get to the point than they do to long lectures that recount everything they've done wrong since time began! LOL Also, be careful not to attack, demean, or accuse him. Stick to the facts and how you feel about them! After you write the letter, put it in the desk drawer and let it sit for 24 hours. Try not to dwell on what you wrote or on the incident that resulted in the letter. After 24 hours, re-read your letter. Does it still make sense to you? Or now when you read it, do you sound irrational or overreactive even to yourself? If so, return the letter to the desk drawer (or a place he's not likely to accidently discover it) and re-think your position. Try to really get to the heart of the matter. You might even have to work on this for a few days and a few love letters before you even discover for yourself what the issue really is. If it still seems like a legitimate conflict, then give him the letter. Make sure you pick a good time - he's in a good mood, he's not too tired, he's not busy with something else, etc. Let him read it in your presence and see what happens. If he's not ready to give you a response, allow him the same 24 hours you allowed yourself. The key to this technique is really the PS. Sometimes men give us the most horrifying responses possible because they really have no idea what we want them to say. And most men would agree that if we gave them a nudge in the right direction, they'd bite because they really do love us and want to please us. Sometimes, they just don't know how to give us what we want. Oh, and one more thing about the love letter technique. Just because you write it, doesn't mean you have to ever show it to him. You may end up with files of letters that you wrote but never showed him. This technique is as much for yourself as it is for him. Sometimes, just writing it out is enough for you to work through your anger without instigating unnecessary conflict in your marriage. I've found that when my husband I are playing the blame game, it's because we're both right - we're both to blame!

Dear Mrr,

Your husband is perhaps defending himself from blame.

I often bring things up to my wife that she ends up angry about it. So, I try to list out what I want to bring up, and wait for a calm time, and find a way to bring up the issue in a way that is least likely to trigger blame.

I can say, "Dear I can't find my glasses." and she will yell back, "Well I didn't move them anywhere." All I really menat was that if she saw where I had forgotten that I laid them, would she please bring thenm to my attention.

Best wishes

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.