Whenever my husband does not agree with my opinion or my feelings he instantly becomes violent. Screaming, throwing things calling me names, putting me down--all in an attempt to get me to shut up and drop the subject. How do I get to have the dignity of voicing my opinion or my questions without having him fly into a violent rage?

Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? I wouldn't be able to put up with behavior like that-it's abusive as far as I'm concerned. Maybe he needs to take an Anger Management class seek some sort of counseling.
I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but that just isn't healthy for you.

Dear Praying,

Susan has a point that your husband's temper tantrums are not good for you.

I am reading a book on temper tantrums, and how it is important to get them under control as children and adolescents, so that they don't carry over into adulthood.

My 25 year old son, living at home, uses this tactic more than is healthy. My phrases, are do you think this is a good idea to have a habit for being recalcitrant when a team mate makes an easy suggestion?

My wife uses temper tantrums occasionally also. What I try to do, is to have my Wish list honed down in advance. One reason the book gives for temper tantrums, is making too many requests, in too short a time frame.

You might set up the mood for requests a little bit more thoughtfuly, in advance. There are some articles on Negoitating in Marriage Builders, and they recommend setting up a time for easy talking.

Usually, I try to think out my wishes, so that I have a request simplified, and my wife can either say yes, no, or negotiate. That is why I took the name Quipper, because my wife has a very short attention span, so if I don't get the thought complete in a few words, it is all over.

My wife started in on me the other day, and I said, well I want you to listen to me describe the situation, that I see as a potential problem, and then I want to hear your ideas, in a polite manner. You want me to hang the blinds for you, so first let me hang the blinds, then we agree that you will listen to my concerns peacably. She agreed, and it worked, to an extent.

Best Wishes

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Your husband is being abusive. You have every right to voice your opinions and your feelings without being attacked by his violent words. You can't change him though, it isn't possible to "fix" another human being like that. All you can do is set boundaries and let it be known to him that you will not be disrespected by him like this anymore. When he starts and angry fit about something say to him "I will not be treated with such disrespect" and then walk away from him or if he disagrees with something you've said then say "I see that is your opinion but it's not mine" and then walk off. You can't try to explain or defend yourself because that just puts him on his own defensive and he won't stop until he makes you agree with his point of view. If you allow him to continue to treat you like this then it'll only get worse over time. I know because I've been there for a very long time and have only recently begun to set boundaries. Without boundaries then people will walk all over you because they know that they can, there is nothing to stop them from doing so.

Dear Jade,

I read a little of your other posts, and you have read some books that I have not read. The tendency to have temper tantrums is natural, and has to be socialized out.

So we can help in the socialization of others. Not that that has to be a primary goal, but when we are objecting to anger, we are helping the individual become a better member of society.

Can you share some of your successes with setting boundaries. Could you give some examples?

I walk out if things get too tense. My son asked "Where are you going, dad?" as I drove away at 12:30 AM. I said, "I am going to for a RIDE." I supppose that is setting a boundary. My wife had started in about how she could boost me out of the basement, and not help with the housepayment. That argument is not over, but I had a peaceful few hours, and came back at 3 AM when she was asleep. My wife was yelling at me the next morning about her red sweater.

I have several people in my life who use anger as a way to negotiate with me. Sometimes I find that swtiching the subject is a way to set a boundary.

My son is recalcitrant and slow on the uptake, and refuses to help with hardly any chores. He is 25 years old, going to College, and living at home. He is a spoiled brat. My wife sometimes agrees, when she is not trying to spoil him further.

I changed the subject on my son today, when I suggested that he might want to improve his teamwork skills. He responded that he thought he had excellent team work skills. I said "I am glad you agree that it is a good idea to have good teamwork skills."

He was without words. For a few seconds.

Once someone begins using impoliteness as a means of discussing a subject, I think it is important to quickly switch the subject to the issue of how we are negotiating.

"You seem to have some feelings on this issue, can you let me know what your feelings are about this?" This is directing the discussion from the point I was originally trying to make, to the feelings that my teammate has about the subject area.

Maybe I should collect a list of phrases to use in switching subjects when anger is threatended. Some people naturally command respect, but I have to work at it. I am a dreamy sort of a person, naturally.

This subject thread is a challenge for me, so I will return.

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

Hi Quipper!

Yes I have very strong opinions about verbal abuse. There are 3 LB's that I have opinions on. All 3 that I am going to talk about are a means to control by one person over another.

Disrespectful judgements imo are used by a person in order to make another person feel inadequite. IE: Partner says "that is stupid for you to think that" and imo the way I take that is that they are saying quite simply "you are stupid and I am smart therefore you better come over to my side because I know what is right". Just because they disagree doesn't mean that the other person is "stupid" but that makes it easier for the controlling person to make you see it their way because then you begin to think well gee they say I'm stupid all the time so I must be and then when you feel low or inadequite you will tend to believe what they are saying as "the right thing". It's a means by them to control and overpower imo.

Selfish demands come next and imo says that they want what they want and don't give a hoot whether it is something that you want or not. IE: Partner says "I want dinner cooked and on the table at 6:00pm". Now he/she hasn't even considered the fact that the other person works until 5pm and that means that they have to rush home from work and immediately begin the chore of getting dinner ready. They don't consider that the other person may want to come home and relax and unwind for a 1/2 hour. It says "I want it and I want it my way and I don't care if it is an inconvenience to you." It says everything revolves around what I want and there is no room for compromise. It's control.

Angry outbursts/temper tantrums happen when the person doesn't get there way by disrespectful judgements or by making selfish demands. It is meant to make you feel as though something bad will happen if you don't do as they say. IE: Partner says "It's 6:15pm where the hell is my dinner, I've worked hard all day and I am hungry and I am hungry now. Why do you do this to me? and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda." I say blah blah blah because that is what I hear after a certain point. You know how on the Charlie Brown cartoons when one of the children is on the telephone and all you can hear of the person on the other end of the convo. is this muted muh muh muh sound? Well that is what I begin to hear when an angry outburst takes place after I've heard mean nasty things, I tend to tune out and ignore their tamtrum. So in reality the angry persons point never gets across completely because I find it annoying and disrespectful.

Setting boundaries is a little difficult after you've allowed these behaviors to occur for many years because the person doing the LB's are used to getting their way in that manner. But that doesn't mean it is doomed to fail it just means that one may have to clarify their boundaries until the other person sees that their controlling behavior doesn't work anymore.

In the case of disrespectful judgements (name calling and cutting down your beliefs and your own personal opinions) If someone says "you're stupid (or anything nasty and hurtful)" then you could set a boundary by saying I will not be called names and hurt and to set that boundary you would need to stress to them that that hurt you and you will not be treated that way. If it turns into an angry outburst/temper tantrum then you simply state that until they can discuss the matter in a normal tone of voice that you are done listening and then walk away or leave the house if you must and then come back and discuss it later once everyone has chilled out and calmed down. There has to be a consequence to their bad behavior imo otherwise they will continue to use bad behavior to get their way. Selfish demands have no place in a relationship! You can request something nicely to your partner and then discuss it if you have disagreements about it but demanding something without regard for the other persons feelings is disrespectful and downright rude and completely selfish. I always say if you ask me nicely then more than likely I will be willing to fullfill your request but if you demand it of me I am likely to avoid it like the plague because I feel that a demand devalues me.

In a physically abusive situation though, these things most likely will not work because the abuser HAS to have total control ALL the time. They can never be wrong because then they lose control and if they lose control then you had better look out because then you will get it tenfold and then they will gain back that control and then some. If someone is name calling and belittling and demeaning you very agressively with a loud voice and in your face then all you can do is walk away. If you try to say I am not thus and so or say that they are taking it the wrong way then that just leaves the door open for them to prove that they are right. Defending and explaining shows them that you are trying to prove yourself to be right and you being right would make them wrong and that means losing the control. I do think that change is possible but it is very difficult with an abuser if they don't want to change. They need to control another person because they lack something within, there are emotions within that they don't want to deal with and they bury those emotions by overpowering someone else. It makes them feel more important when they overpower someone else, when someone else is lower than they are then they feel better about themselves at that moment that they are being mean, I think that afterwards they probably feel bad about what they have done or said but they most likely will not admit that because that would make them vulnerable. So if someone is being physically abused the only option is to leave for their own safety and end the relationship. I wouldn't want anyone who is being physically abused to try any of this and them to get hurt because of it because I don't believe that a person who is that angry can be reasoned with .

There is a huge difference in someone being angry and someone being abusive.

Anyway those are some of my views. I have much more to say but I am running out of time today but this topic about LB's is something that I have been trying to work on in my relationship with my man and things really have been changing for the better lately but not without a lot of hard work and patience. I am a very patient person, sometimes that's good, sometimes it can be bad lol. Anyway when I have more time, if you don't mind, I would like to touch on your spoiled son situation and his lack of responsibility towards helping out and doing chores.

Best wishes to you too!
Jade

Dear Jade,

Your post is an avalanche of information, and it will take me a while to fully understand it all. I will post again when I have a better handle on more of the concepts that you presented. Very helpful post.

Glad things are getting better for you.

This morning my wife started in on me, about how much of the housepayment she was going to help out with. I switched to a discussion of POJA. I said, please have confidence that I am not going to do anything on this issue without your complete agreement. I'm going to do exactly as you want it done, and no more. She calmed down at the time, and went to work

She called me a few hours later, and agreed to the amount that we had previously agreed upon weeks and months ago.

The books I am reading now, by Gerald Patterson, Castalia Publishing, Oregon, suggest that irritable conversation is a pre-cursor to verbal abuse and violence. Therfore, rewarding periods of time without irritable conversation may be a behavioral objective.

From Silva Method, programmming may be for confidence that I can make my point without expressing any frustration that I might feel.

One guy at work can get me going, as his general outlook is fearful. He makes comments to LOOK OUT FOR this, or LOOK OUT for that. My instinct is to argue to a more postive point of view. But lately, I just say, "That's good advice" I have agreed with him that the world is a fearlful place, and his life mission of having others see the fear he sees, is accomplished.

More later as I try to apply your concepts.

Truly thank you,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Dear Jade,

My wife has been going off on a temper tantrum whenever she finds a light left on in a bathroom, or other remote location, that has been overlooked.

This is the YOU ARE STUPID accusation you were speaking of. So she started in tonight, as the first floor bathroom light was on, when she came home from work, and went to use that bathroom.

The wonderful thing about talking to you, Jade, is that I now have an attitude of hope, that I can take rsponsibility for the negativity that is impacting me, and I can find ways that are incremental, and not confrontational.

So I said to my wife, "Honey you are ruining the atmophere in the house. You can point out that someone has left the bathroom light on, without being irritable." You could say something like, "Someone left the light on in the bathroom. I hope everyone likes to work overtime, because we are wasting money."

So my wife switched to a silly attitude, rather than an appropriate pleasant attitude. But I think she is starting to get teh point.

I think it may be important for my family members to have a clear idea of how splitting up will look. If they want to do things that reduce my energy, rather than synergize me, then a primary purpose of the family is kaput.

I'm not trying to be evil, but let's get positive, or let's get lost.

I have been procrastinating on some work that should be done for the family. This is a bad cycle for me, because I am a master procrastinator. So they take pot shots at Dad, and I procrastinate, because what is more perfect to express my resentement, than what I love to do, which is wait till the last minute, or longer. But that is a sideways expression of my feelings, but I am feeling more confident in my sequential expressions to combat negativity.

Thanks again,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still stuggling.

Dear Jade,

The concept of control leads into the idea of a power struggle, and I would suggest the guilty party may be feeling a lack of respect, and control is one way to regain or measure it.

Therfore, I am trying POJA when irritability occurs. Perhaps the woman who the husband thinksw should have dinner at 6 PM, could have an agreement, that at least a salad or an apetizer, pigs in a blanket, egg rolls, something that can be popped in the microwave or oven with short fanfare. Then the main course coming after the news of the NewYork Blackout can be seen on TV for a few miniutes.

Still workin on this issue.

I am working to get the contingent positives in place for my son, before I start with the negatives. I am trying to identify instances of catching my son doing good, for a timely pat on the back.

Will post back

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Thank you for the support and the ideas. Unfortunately, my husband says that he has the RIGHT to be violent if he does not want to discuss something or if he does not approve of how I feel about a situation. He is a top executive at a big company and many times the people there are rude or insulting to me (and to other "outsiders") at various functions that we must attend. I tried not going to one of the dinners a few months ago and he simply took one of the ladies that works for him. He picked her up, took her to the dinner, out for drinks after and did not come home until after 1:00 a.m., when the dinner was over at 9:00. He says that because I don't work there, no one has to be polite to me and if I don't like it, there are plenty of women who would be happy to be with him. We have been married for 34 years and I don't want to throw everything away, but I am just so miserable.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> *PRAYING*

LOOK .... at what you wrote ! * !

"I don't want to throw everything away, but I am just so miserable."

Don't you realize you are holding on to that misery .... and that's what you don't want to throw away?

You have a choice.

Be miserable, or force a change.

You choose.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Praying,

Your husband may have a right to act however he chooses to act BUT you have a right to say that you will not put up with it! Just because he thinks that he has a right to act violent doesn't mean that it's an appropriate behavior and doesn't mean that you have to hear his nasty mouth. If he gets violent simply say I will not listen to this and walk away.

I have been in my relationship for 16 years now and have only begun this year to set boundaries and say I do not have to hear his negative crap nor do I deserve to be treated with disrespect. I allowed him to treat me as if he were the MASTER and I was the SLAVE. When he would demand something of me I would just do it even if it was something that I didn't want to do. Well that is not how I want to live so things are changing because I am changing and speaking up when I don't like something. His opinion is his opinion and I do not have to agree with him. I have my own mind, my own thoughts, my own set of values and beliefs, my own likes and dislikes and I have a RIGHT to be and do what I want to (as long as it doesn't hurt someone else or step on their boundaries of course). I was miserable and I would blame him for my misery but you know what? I have a choice here, I can make changes within myself, I can set boundaries to say I will not be treated with disrespect. I allowed him to treat me badly so he thought that it was ok to continue to act out badly. It was not ok with me though but I was afraid to speak up for fear that I would make him angry. Oh well if he gets angry, thats his problem. He chooses how he will react to a situation and if he chooses to be angry then thats his behavior to own not mine but I don't have to listen to it anymore.

I have learned so much about myself and about his behavior. And what I've come up with is that I allowed him to treat me badly but I can set boundaries to NOT allow it anymore. There are many ways to avoid or stop an arguement or to stop rude behavior but defending and explaining your point of view is not the answer right now because that will only allow him to prove to you that he is right and you are wrong.....you just don't get anywhere like that....you can't win with an abusive person because they always have to be right but you can say I see your point and walk away. That doesn't say that you agree with him and it is not confrontational, it simply says I hear you but don't care to discuss it any further.

You said that you are miserable with him but you don't want to lose everything. What is it that you will lose? Material posessions? You've been married to him for 34 yrs do you know how much you are entitled to? 1/2 of everything and monthly support. Think of what you could gain by not being abused anymore.

You have 3 choices. You can stay and not change a thing and keep on being miserable or you can stay and find ways to change yourself and set boundaries to not allow his bad behavior or you can leave and start a life without him. You have a RIGHT to live peacefully and without criticism and disrespect.

Oh and his disrespectful co-workers do not have a right to treat you disrespectfully either. If you don't like something then call it out. Say that was a bit rude and walk away. That shows that you will not allow others to walk all over you. Assertiveness is something that I am learning because I am tired of saying yes when I really want to say no, I'm tired of agreeing with things I really don't agree with.

I feel for you because I know what you are going through. You don't have to live that way though.

Some books that I have read are "Controlling People" and "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans. She has other books that I have not yet read. I have found her books to be a great help to me.

Dear Quipper,

I've read your replies and I think in a lot of ways we sound a bit alike in personality traits and such. I tend to be quiet and reserved and let people walk all over me. I procrastinate terribly also. Generally I am a happy person, very easy going, sometimes too nice.

What I've learned lately is that I am not responsible for other peoples happiness. I can contribute to their happiness but I am not responsible to make all people happy all the time. We are all responsible only for our own happiness. We are responsible for setting our own boundaries to let others know what is and what is not acceptable to us. I tend to try to do all I can to make others happy and thats not necessarily a bad thing as long as I don't comprome myself by doing things that I really don't want to do or feel like doing at that moment.

I am trying to learn to be more assertive. I read a lot and do a lot of research on the web. Assertiveness does not mean being aggressive at all as the links below will show.
assertive
article about assertiveness
Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. on assertiveness

There are many ways to diffuse an arguement without being confrontational. Attacking someone when they attack you isn't the answer...that only adds fuel to the fire and makes it escalate into something even bigger.

I think that we could be of great support to one another with learning to deal with our situations in a more positive manner and to not allow our partners to use negativity to get their way. I agree that it is all about power and control or the lack of within the angry person. They use power and control to gain respect but in actuality they lose respect by trying to overpower another, though I wonder if they gain self respect in some way by acting out....or maybe they are gaining self empowerment by running over others or maybe they think that they will gain the other person's respect somehow. Anyway they feel they are gaining something when they act out otherwise they wouldn't act out imo.

Jade

Dear Praying,

One thing that comes to mind, is the concpet of throwing things and having a violent fit, and asserting his right to express himself violently. The law of Assault is fairly well settled in most jurisdictions, that if someone is behaving in a manner intended to make another afraid, and the other person becomes afraid, of an offensive touching, then there is an assault. Battery does not have to occur for an assault to occur. Battery is injury from an offensive touching.

One of your options is to contact an attroney to help you assert your rights. One of the duties of attorneys, and counselors, is to keep client confideces, within certain exceptions. One of the exceptions is if informion is provided that a crime is going to take place in the future, then the there is a duty to report the likelihood of a future crime. It is not clear to me, as to how an attorney, or counselor, might interpret the duty to report, in your case, and more would depend upon how you presented the information to the professionsal. Your husband's assaultive behavior seems to be ongoing, but has not caused you much physical injury to date.

In the books the INTMATE ENEMY, about marriage difficulties and solutions, they recommend having an overnight bag ready, and having a pre-arranged place to go, so that the other spouse is comfortable about where you are going. If things get too tense in my house I will leave. I go to a motorhome 3 miles away. My wife can go to her mother's house or to her brother's house.

I heard a term on a self-improvement tape, Walk Away Power. It seems that you do not have your walk away power established or entrenched in your marriage. The length of tiem you stay away can be varied with circumstances, be a few hours may bve enough fo a fesh perspective. It does not seem that your husband has any idea that that he is committing a criminal act when he throws a book on the floor in a manner that intimidates you.

Hopefully you have not been injured.

Let us know what phrases and tactics are working, or not working, for you.

Deeper sympathy,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

Dear Jade,

I have tried to post to the less traveled Categories, when I might be able to raise some isssues or questions for the poster.

As for Me, I drew up some tracking charts for behavior change yesterday. I thought if my wife and I got started with the tracking charts, that I could bring my son on board, with positives, at first.

So my wife had been thinking about getting a better house, and asked me to look at some she had found. I went to look at the houses she had found, but did NOT go along with the idea, so my wife threw a temper tantrum. I left, and she said she was leaving, and that the current house we have is a disgrace. So when I came back at 5 AM, she was gone. Ordinariy when I go out, she will be there when I come back in the early morning. She knows I am not going to visit another woman, and can call me on my pager.

So I got 5 bills paid this morning, and found my spare checks after several hours of searching. Cancelled on unauthorized charge for $139.00. I do not know how destructive my wife will get, so I don't know how much stuff to keep in storage, and how much it is safe to have around the house. Last time I left in the face of her temper tantrum, about a month ago, she tore up my $400 speakers, and a box with family improvement notes and books.

My phrase this time was that I did not want to say things back to her that I did not mean, so I was leaving. As her temper tantrum started, I told her she was just an unhappy person, but she is not unhappy all the time, so that was not accurate, and a signal that I should use my walk away power.

I will try to do some things that I have been procrastinating. One self-improvement tape says to divide the procrastinated task into small units, and then start with just one slice, and stop, reward yourself. Then try another slice later. Like sliced lunch meat from the butcher.

Thanks for your past compassion,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

Dear Quipper,

Sorry to hear that there are problems going on right now.

IMO your wife is being selfish. When house hunting you don't just jump into purchasing without looking and researching. And you don't just buy a house because one spouse likes or wants it and the other doesn't. Try using the POJA. Has your wife been to this site? It could be very helpful if she was going by the same set of rules as you are. Maybe you could print out the basic concepts and the POJA and the 2 of you sit down together and talk about things.

I am curious what you did not agree with about the houses she had you look at. Did you explain to her what you felt was wrong about these houses?

When she began to throw her tantrum because she didn't get her way....she was wrong for acting like that but I also think that you telling her that she is just an unhappy person was wrong too. All that statement did was to add fuel to her fire. That was a disrespectful judgement on your part. Rather than making it a statement about her you could make it an "I feel" statement about yourself to let her know that you feel thus and so when such and such happens. That way she doesn't take it as an attack on her, because when she feels personally attacked she is gonna attack back.

How does your wife feel when you walk away? Are you leaving for the whole night? When things get heated in my relationship I leave for no longer than an hour normally, just enough time to cool off and get my thoughts straight and to let him cool off too. I think that if he left for hours or all night that I might feel that he was running away or avoiding the problem altogether. Have you talked to her yet today? Has anything been resolved?

Let me know what you think of what I've said.

Jade

Dear Jade,

I agree that I was wrong to say that she is just an unhappy person. A better way to say my feelings might have been, "It seems that there are times when you are irreoncilably happy.

My feelings about the houses were that there was not enough parking, and not enough storage space, and that the deals were good, but not so exceptional. The way my wife proposed dividing up the house does not seem realistic, and we have issues with the similar house that we have now.

My experience is that my wife will go on til 2 or 3 in the morning, once she starts, so coming back before 3 is unproductive, but I may test the waters earlier next time. Actually I left around 9 PM, and returned aroudn 11 PM to get some bills, and encounterd the same attitude.

I have asked my wife explain POJA to others, and she has to some degree. I have mentioned the web-site to her, but she has no interest in doing anything except what she feels like doing.

I am trying to get her throught he behavior change book. Maybe 10 pages read.

I will probably call my wife and thank her for doing some laundry.

Thanks for the quick response.

More to come.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and sill struggling

Hello again Quipper,

As far as her fits....would it do any good if you told her that when she yells and throws a fit that you cannot and will not talk or discuss any matters with her if she is not willing to be quiet and listen while you talk and that you will give her the same respect? I have a link about anger Get your angries out maybe this would be something good for your wife to check out. I have found a lot of good information there.

When you leave and then when you come back does the matter get discussed again and resolved or does it get put on the back burner because you don't want to listen to her tantrum? I used to just not discuss it again in order to not start another fight. But that doesn't work because you will resent that nothing ever really gets dealt with and solved eventually.

If you guys don't agree on a house then let it go and look for the next one. You have to find something that you are both happy with.

Things are going pretty good for me right now. He has been getting dinner started some nights which is a huge help and cleaning up a little around the house instead of griping about what needs done. At the moment things are looking up. I hope it stays that way.

Hope things get better for you,
Jade

Dear Jade,

Thanks for the reference to Get Your Angries Out. I will try to look it over more carefully. Ideally, I could be a coach for my wife to work through her anger. One attitude for anger is antagonism, and if the person comes up to antaognism, Boredom is recommended. I guess I could come up with some targets for may wife, The Economy, The War, The Middle East, The Contractors, My Pay at my job, Lack of OT, etc.

I am trying to avoid love busters, and change what I can reasonably change. I left a message for my wife at her work. I called her when she was getting off, and she apparently figured it was me, and hung up.

I mailed 6 bills and got some work done on one project that I have been delaying. So I am trying to do well. My marriage is not totally under my control, so I will just try to stay positive for my wife, should she choose to allow interaction. I will occasionally try to intiate positive interaction, but I don't have a timetable on this one.

Thanks again,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

On the issue of verbal vs physical abuse. Obviously the physical is seen and the verbal is hidden. One can be done and no one know's it the abuser can deny it. Why tell someone to say in an emotionally abusive relationship and to get out in a physcially abusive?

I have been in an emotionally abusive situation for 18 years. With people telling me to work it out or its really not abuse. Bull****. I have been apologized too more times than I care to remember and told it will never happen again, just to watch it start over and over and over again. But, there is just enough time in between the end and the beginning of a new episode that I start to believe and then "Boom".

The only time I was able to get my H, in couselling was after my A, this past year, after two sessions she gave us a clean bill of health and told us we were her easiest couple ever to counsel. Why, because abusers are manipulators and she was manipulated. Is the abuse all gone? Is the problem fixed? Well I guess so, because here I am back in the marriage and six months past D-Day. Well, guess what I see, I see things sneaking back in that were supposed to be gone forever, after all, the IC said he was cured. So everyone sees the outward changes and nobody sees what's going on in the house. But, don't worry, I've figured out from all the respones here that it's all because I strayed from the marriage vow to be "faithful", not because he has a real problem and needs help that I can not give because I'm just not trained in that field.

Do me a favor, don't encourage people to stay in emotionally abusive relationships, encourage them to get help for themselves. Even physically abused womem will tell you the emotional abusive is far worse.