I have been with my boyfriend (now ex) for almost two years. In these past two years we have grown into bestfriends and what we both truly feel to be soul mates. We have been talking about the possibility of marriage in the next few years, but really want to make sure that we are individually put together before we unite as one in marriage. About a month ago my boyfriend and i decided to take a break and step out of our relationship and take a good look and it and see what we were really all about without being in the midst of the love rush! When my boyfriend brought up the idea i was (ok) with it and decided to do it. But he sliped up and also said maybe we should see other people on this break and see what were missing be apart. !!!! holy cow!!!! that was not what anyone should say if they are trying to build us up and work on us. I have been in 2 really heart breaking relationship in the past and been cheated on. At this point my heart is crushed and scared. I told him i thought it would be disrespectful to see others and so he said your right and we left it at that. I had trust issues with him after this and tryed different things to see if he was intrested in see other people. Well as it truns out on one ocassion he bit, and i was heartbroken. Its hard for me to hide anything im an open person and he began to wonder if i was beind this issue. He asked me and i said no (LIED *** dont do that****) and in the end he found out that infact it was me. During all this i was emaling an friend of his that is away for a while and is finally comming back to the states in 2 weeks! While talking to his friend i told him that we had taken a break and i really thought that my boyfriend no longer wanted to be with me and that it was only time before it was over. His friend and i talked throught email and flirted a little but nothing in out of line. The most said was that he couldnt wait to get home and cuddle me, and go out to dinner! My ex got into my email and found the emails between his friend and i and is now heart broken. I dont know how to make him see that i had no intrest in his friend other then friends and that i love him and have only ever watned to be with him. Please help!

Hi...welcome to MB. I'm really sorry about what you are going through. I don't have much advice to give, but I'm in a similar enough situation that I might be able to help you see what is happening from different perspectives.

Some background for you. I am 27 and my BF is 26. We have been together for 4.5 years and are talking about marriage and children. I feel strongly that my BF needs to want marriage as much as I do...to not feel like I coerced him or forced him into it in any way. I came to MB asking people what we can do to help him make a decision about marriage. We uncovered a few really important issues. What we've discovered is that my BF definitely wants to marry and have a family and is pretty sure he wants to do it with me, but that he is not 100% certain of it. He feels that he did not date around enough before me. Basically, he does not have enough of a basis for comparison to truly appreciate the relationship that we have built together.

Some posters at MB (as well as our premarital counselor) suggested we separate so that he can date and decide if I'm 100% who he wants to be with forever. My BF is a scientist, very logical thinker...he will choose to marry me based on the logic of it rather than the emotion which he blocks out so that he can make a good decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But he sliped up and also said maybe we should see other people on this break and see what were missing be apart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok...I think something you should try to realize is that he didn't "slip up". He was finally able to be honest. That's not a slip up, but a prerequisite for marriage. He needs to not only be honest with you, but with himself. He may not have been admitting to himself certain fears and uncertainties up until this point. My BF didn't, either. We have very open communication, but he never told me that he might like to date around to make sure he is ready to marry me. It wasn't because he was being dishonest so much as not being honest with himself.

So that you know, my BF and I decided not to separate. We are seeking alternatives to help my BF come to terms with his concerns and resolve them.
Here is the thread on this topic:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=017233

One thing that someone said to us was that although we may be living like we are married, we need to remember that we are not married. This is extremely difficult as you probably know. There is a lot of information in this web site that will help you see that in terms of marriage, the EA (emotional affair) you had via email with his friend was not okay. You can choose to address the issue from the marriage standpoint (treat it like an emotional affair), or you can address it from the standpoint that you are not married and the EA was necessary to help you decide if marriage is an option...just as he chose to separate to see if marriage is an option.

The advice I want to give you is to be open to the many different perspectives you will receive here and be honest. I have to constantly check to make sure I'm not replying defensively. I have to constantly make sure I'm being honest about the problems in our relationship rather than masking them so that I can convince everyone that we really are ready for marriage. Be honest.
Another piece of advice is to get to know the basic concepts in this web site. Read read read.

I hope that you will get more responses here, but if you don't, copy and paste your original message and repost in the Emotional Needs forum. There are many more people there that will respond. The Resolving Conflict forum gets relatively few posters.

I think we're in similar situations, so please feel free to ask me questions. I've given this a lot of thought and have received a lot of feedback from people here at MB.

Smile

Thank you so much for your thoughts! I widh more then anything that he and i could come to a mutual ground where we could sit and talk about everything that has happened and be open about it all. I really want more then anything to sit and here how he is feeling inside and tell him how i am feeling inside and open up the communication again and try and rebuild from there. how can i get him to open up to me. All he wants is to shut me out and be alone. ( i still need to look at the link) thanks so much

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how can i get him to open up to me. All he wants is to shut me out and be alone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now, he feels betrayed. Not just by you, but also by his friend. It will probably take some time for him to work through some of the anger and pain.

My BF did cheat on me. The first time, he wasn't really cheating. We lived in different cities (about 4 hours apart) and agreed that he could do what he needed to do to determine if our relationship was what he wanted, but I didn't want to find out about it. I found a used (but empty) condom in his trash the next time I visited. It was a ONS (one night stand) while drunk. The pain from that forced me to change my mind on our arrangement...he had to decide to be monogamous or let me go. He decided to be monogamous.

Several months later, my gyno discovered that I had HPV. I confronted my BF and he admitted that he had had sex with a different girl (also ONS) and the condom had broken. This really tested our committment to each other.

We worked through it, but what I learned is that emotionally I don't think I could survive us separating for him to date around. The circumstances while we lived long distance helped me understand what happened, but for us, separating will be a big risk.

Something you may want to consider during this painful time is whether or not your BF is using this opportunity to break up. He wanted to date around. His reasons could be different than my BF's reasons, but they are important. What you did with his friend might have created an opportunity for him to pit everything against you so that he doesn't have to be the one that causes the break up. Consider that he may have wanted to break up before, but didn't want to hurt you. This might not be the case, but is something to think about and perhaps talk to him about.

When I started posting at MB, I let my BF know. I encouraged him to join in. Once I started being accused of speaking for my BF, I told him that there were questions that I really wanted him to answer directly. He signed up and poked his head in every once in awhile. This has been a good medium for us to express our honest feelings and expectations.

You've got a lot to think about. Feel free to vent and ask questions here at MB. If you want to email me directly:
thepurpleferret@yahoo.com

Smile

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: SmileADay ]</small>