Why do we females have to be the one to initiate talking about disagreements we have with our mate. My H thinks that everything is cool in the house when infact he has a problem with his attitude. Last night I talked with him and I asked him why de does not interact with his two boys and his response was the; "I have a good excuse, I am in the mourning and grieving over my brother's death and becasue of that I do not have the time...." WHAT???? It that a good excuse to neglect the boys who are 10 and 6. They want to interact with their dad but dad does not have the time - he does have time to watch tv all the time while I spend time with my kids in doing homework or reading to them nightly. I told my H that when and how do you expect to get over your B death. it's been almost 7 months ago and he hardly ever interacted with him when he was around so I know that the connection was not all that good until now. He claims that he is hurting and depressed but when I decide to make the move to go places or talk to other people then he gets involved. He is so controlling by way of telling me who to see and when I can go places. He is so insecure with himself and I can not take that. I have lived with him for 19 years and I am getting tired of him coming home and just eat then lay down to watch tv until 11 pm each night. When you ask him to do something with the kids he says that he feels depressed and not interested. This attitude hurts my kids and it makes me mad - Is this just an excuse or is it okay for me to accept what he does? I am at the end of my wits to throw him out but I feel sorry for him becasue he claims that he has no place to go. His mother passed on about 5 years ago. Has his dad but they are not close. Has 3 sisters but they are not close. Can anyone suggest what they would do or maybe have similar situation such as mine???? HELP!
I talked to him about his criticizm and depression but that is getting old - Am I understanding or is he playing games with me..... SHould I throw him out?
THanks for your response.

Dear Confused,

I am struggling to bring a more positive atmosphere into my home. I am trying to focus on things to celebrate. Try to get your husband interested in postive aspects of the family, and let him know that it is important first to celebrate, as a basis for the family. Click on my name and view my recent posts about my struggles.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and stil struggling

dear Confused,

It sounds awful, and would be hard to understand. But, everyone deals with grief and GUILT differently, especially men. You said he and the brother had not been close. Why not? Is he trying to deal with that? Is there something in their past unresolved? Maybe he needs to speak to a counselor or minister to work through this, then he can be there for his boys. God bless you all.
Tenbo

First of all, trying to force your husband into doing things that he doesn't want to do will make him angry and bitter. Trust me, I have learned from a lot of years of yelling and screaming. Experience has taught me that sitting down with him and asking him nicely to do something with you and your kids will work. If he says no, say ok and try again later. He WILL come around in his own time. Evidently he needs to talk about the events that he has or has not been dealing with. You just might be the most important person he needs right now. I know it's hard to be supportive, but kindness and caring will take you a long way. Try sitting down with him and discussing the issues in a calm manner. If the discussion gets out of hand, just tell him that you will need to try to talk later when you are both calm and collected. I am sure that you will both become better people in the long run. If you haven't read the book Love Busters yet, you absolutely NEED to. If you want to talk again, please email me. I would love to talk to you some more.