have other posts for history. WH affair over 2 wks ago. We are 1 wk into "trying to work on us" as he puts it. We are still living apart. He is in the town she lives in and is a cop there. OW went back to her husband. Supposedly there is no contact between the 2 of them. It seems that he has not yet let his defenses down to me... thing is he has not reason to have them up. I have not done alot of yelling a screaming. He wants to try to become friends and see if we can become husband and wife again. I am trying a plan A. But my preacher tells me I need to let him contact me next. It hurts further when he goes a day without any contact. He does not seem to want my trust back. I have no idea where he is ect. at any time. I have so many doubts. It feels as if he is playing a big game with me. I feel that he does not want to work on us that he is just holding me here incase OW really stays with her H. I know he is in withdrawl, I know it is still foggy out. I don't know whether to continue contacting him on my own. Is he testing me or am I smothering him. Everytime I check my email and there is no message from him, everytime I check my answering machine and there is nothing from him I feel like another brick was just piled on my chest. My chest is feeling so heavy by now it is hard to cary around. I know I am lucky the affair is over. But can I trust that it is truley over. How do I trust in anything. He says I can call him at any time, he says I can come visit him anytime. But I don't feel he is being sincere. I just wish I could get a sign from him letting me know he is serious about this.

I am trying to once again make him part of my life but he is not doing the same. When we do just shoot the breeze I am the only one doing the talking. This weekend we are going to relative's wedding 7 hrs away together. That is going to be one long car ride if he won't converse back with me and he does not want to talk about "US"

I just don't know what to do from here. I am just so sick of playing the games. If I want to talk to H I don't want to agonize over it. I want to just pick up the phone and call and not worry about what he is thinking. Then after we get done talking I want to feel a peace instead of worrying should I have called him. Did I do the right thing. my H tells me the uncertainty is killing him. But he does not realize how much uncertainty he is putting me through. I am just so up and down about everything. I was getting a giggle about the fact that my book SAA should be in the mail box today. Should I take it with me to read on the way, should I get a book cover so to not make him feel uncomfortable with it. Or should I just say I am trying to help myself understand and cope... So many decisions so little time. I suggested this website. I told him that it explains the stages of affiar, why the happen how they end... his response is I have lived through and affair and 1 time is too much for me. He said I know how the begin and how they end. But yet he still loves her! OUCH!
pinch me again.

Any advice! How do we go to this wedding and just have fun as he wants to when we no longer know eachother?

So many questions.... so little answers in my mind at this time

Tami,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can kind of relate....my wife left a little over three weeks ago. She won't talk to me except a her MC's office and her parents won't let talk to her otherwise (she's 28, and yes, I said her parents). It has been a hard struggle for the past 3 weeks as I felt I have done nothing to provoke this.
The best advise I can give is to try to occupy your mind. I've learned that the more you do to try to make a person love you, the more they feel they have the "upper hand" and will be a "taker" only. Who doesn't love someone gawking over them 24/7?? I don't claim to be an expert in any sense, but I've been reading a lot of try to understand my situation. One thing I've realized is that if a person is involved in a loving, happy relationship, they will stay and be happy. But, that relationship doesn't just happen overnight...or by one person...especially when mistrust and infidelity is involved. The best advise I can give to you is to read all you can and even though it will be very, very hard at times, try to accept who he is and try to do things to make him want to be with you. This is not something that will happen in a week or even a month...it is also not very easy. But, if you make him feel like he is in a stable relationship where there is love and friendship, why wouldn't he want that?
About the games...again, I feel like I'm being played right now also. This is the approach I am going to take. I am going to occupy my mind (I've been spending a lot of time here at graduate school, I've joined a softball league, and I got season tickets to the College Football Season) and just try to make as many "love bank" deposits as possible whenever she will let me. I have to understand that it took a long time for her to build up that wall, and it will take a long time to pull down the wall brick by brick so I can get back in. I am seeing the marriage counselor with her twice a month (that's the only time she'll see me) and basically doing anything she wants. I feel that if I can prove to her that I want to make things work by giving her the space she needs and making her want to come back, she eventually will. If I nag her and keep bugging her, she will get turned off and feel the power of someone groveling over her. So, in a nutshell, I am going to play her game for awhile and do whatever I can to regain her trust. If I'm not constantly knocking on her door, maybe soon she might wonder where I have gone and come out and look for me.
Good luck on your car ride. I hope all goes well!! Hope my reply helped a bit!!

-Mike

Tami:

Just a couple of friendly suggestions for the car ride and wedding. Bring some of your favorite music - talk about current events - stuff like that - and most importantly - look drop dead gorgeous - I mean everything - shoes, purse, jewelry, hair - the works. Remind him of who he married - you. Hold your head up high and remember you did not have the A and you are a good person. Try really hard to have fun.

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: k57mo ]</small>

H actually called me last night. First thing he said was I am sorry for calling you. ( is this what he really feels that I did not want to call) I guess my silence over the past 2 days was heard. I told him that I have been waiting for his phone call because I was not sure if I had been smothering him with me calling him and that I needed to know he wanted to talk to me. He did sound in the best mood I have heard him in, in the past week. I did not bring up much of relationship talk other than telling him I had a bad day due to our lack of contact. He invited me down to his new house. I brought a movie and we watched Miss Congeniality on ate ice cream. He finally actually talked to me almost like he used to. I did not want to bring up anything down as we were having a good time and the less uncomfortable on our weekend wedding trip the better. I did leave a letter at my house on the porch where he is coming to pick some stuff up today that explained that I wanted him to call me whenever he wanted and infact I would like him to. I told him how his lack of communication with me affected me the past 2 days. He said last night he felt we were becoming friends again. I asked him if he wanted our marriage back and he said some days he does and some days he doesn't. I just don't know what to think. 1 wk ago I stopped it before anything happened. But he was more than willing. We did not touch at all last night. He followed me out to my car when I left under the pretense of shutting his garage door. It was just awkward. (should I have made the attempt to hug him?) I imagine this weekend will be interesting with us sharing a hotel room. He said he would get one with 2 beds. Reguardless I bought a new pretty night gown. Just got my hair colored ect... If he does not touch me hopefully at least he will have wanted to. he he he. I am feeling much more up today than I was yesterday. Thanks for the helpful posts. But I still don't know what is crossing the line with intimacy! I guess I am just worried about getting hurt again. I am going to have to get rid of that thought I think.

Does anyone know how you know what is too far in this. At the moment he is not willing to move back in together. What is that telling me? He tells me I have had 10 wks to think about what I wanted and he screwed up and really has only had 1 or 2 wks to really think.

tami

I understand how you must feel. But if you want him back, you have to let your pride go. I understand you are worried about trusting him, well can he trust you? Can he trust that you will ever forgive him? Can he trust that if he does everything right from now on, will you not throw this back in his face. Not judging, or saying what or how you should feel or hold him responsble; just some things to think about.

Because if you can't or are not willing to completely let it go, it won't matter what he does or feels, you'll never get past where you are now.

This goes completely against the TAKER, but if you want him back, let go. Accept that he wants to try (sincere or not). He needs encouragement too. If he's full of pride, he's not going to want to try if you are going to hold this over his head forever. What's most important, being happy (the chance at it) or being right?

Good luck. Getting it back is hard and takes a long time. Pride has to be banished. You have to act and treat him as if things were the way you want them. Enjoy your weekend. You're married, how do you go too far? Listen to KMO; the weekend should be great and a great beginning. Tenbo

Well we are back from the wedding. Was a very up and down weekend. We went to Southern Illinois and we have spent much time down there with his aunt. But turned out to be a big trigger for him to remind him of OW because she once told him a story of taking her kids there. Unbelievable! A life time of memories taken away by 1 story. It just about killed me. But I did not react badly to it. I just said I understood and tried to help him through it as the reception was at one of the very places she told him she took her kids. We went for a walk and I told him to try to make new memories. He got angry at me at one point (nothing abusive just mean) He asked why I had not gone ahead and divorced him. I asked if that was what he wanted. He said that is not what he was saying. I told him why I was still there. I told him I deep down I loved him, and I also realized that 50% of our relationship problems were my fault. However the affair was 100% his decision of how to handle things. I told him I had faith that it is possible to have the relationship we had always wanted and I was not ready to throw away 12 years together with out trying to save it.

He told me I was a stupid fool for not kicking him to the curb. He really upset me. I got up and went and took a long shower, he took a nap. He woke up and said he was sorry and he had felt like he had just violated me. We ended up getting up and going out for supper and a drink. We then went back to the hotel and went to sleep. Nothing happened between us except he grabbed my hand at the wedding ceremony as I began to cry. I can not tell you how warm that made my heart feel. At the reception several times he put his hand on my back. I can not believe how such a simple gesture can make you feel. Ride home was long. I did a lot of crying as I finally told him all I was feeling. He asked me to have patience with him and I told him I could try my best but he had to help me through this some. He needed to keep in touch and try to give me some comfort and reassurance. He asked several questions as we got to his house... Why did I ask him on our first date? What did I expect to happen as a result of our first date? What has he failed to give me that I wanted? only thing I can think of is that at one point (when my sis was pregnant) I desperately wanted a baby and he refused... but I now realize that I wanted one so bad because she was going to have one. I told him this and he wanted to know if I still wanted kids. I told him that he had given me many small opportinities in the past ex: I forgot to take several Birth Control pill's and he said oh well lets have sex anyway... but I would not do that so obviously I don't want kids.
He said he knew I would refuse to move into his new house and he did not want to live back in the town I am in so it did not matter anyway. I told him later in the evening that I will move into his place if it comes to the point he wants me to. I told him that he needed to know I was not happy that he had made that decision for me by moving there knowing his town board would want him to stay... and I told him there were things we had to work out such as we have a cat and dog.. the dog is allowed at his new place but the cat is not. ect. But I was willing to move to the house he is in now.

I just finished Surviving and Affair and it was very helpful. I left it at his house and asked him to read... I doubt he does.. I hope he does.. I think it would help him.

He does not think it is fair to move back in with me while he still has feelings for OW. I feel without being with him I can not gain his love back for me. Do the reasons he wants to move in together matter as long as the recovery goes as planned and the love is regained? I don't know the answer.

I also told him that I wanted us to go to counseling. He said he did not need a shrink to tell him he was screwed up and talk about the past. He already knew that. I told him the only thing about the past that has to be considered is what went wrong with our relationship and from then on we need to concentrate on the presant and future.

I have decided to try to give my relationship to God and try myself to continue to become a better person for me. I hope God will see it in his plan to lead us back together and help us try (H to decided to) change our relationship for the better. I just have a very very very hard time with the patience. It hurts so much when I don't hear from him. I think I am going to make a doctor's appt. and see if doctor thinks I need some medication to calm me down some.

I just find the need to vent and hear from others that I am normal. It helps me to talk about it for some reason.

Thanks,

Well this week has been a little different. H has called my house several time a day... I have not been home but when I get home I return his call. He invited me to his house for dinner Wed. and Thursday. Tomorrow He invited me ride with him on an errand 2 hrs away 1 way as long as we don't discuss the relationship. Now we have not discussed this at all the past week since our trip to the wedding. I don't want to discuss our Relationship unless we have set time aside to do so. He has made no attempt to touch me at all no hugs, nothing. I am afraid to innitiate for fear of pushing him too much. Still communication problem. I quit my job as I had not been paid in a few weeks and could no longer drive that far for no money with the price of gas. I mailed a resume to a company in the town he lives and cops. He called and wanted me to put an application in there if I had not already. I told him I had already done that and he wanted to know what address I used as my address on the resume. I told him I used my home address. His response was I should have used his. (later in thinking of it I should of said why I can't lie on my resume and I don't live with you right now) I have no clue what he was thinking. As far as the "relations" go I am carrying protection incase some night something happens at least I am that prepared. Not that I see that happening anytime soon as he won't even touch me.

What really confuses me is the night we decided to "work on us" He came back to my house with the idea of having relations. We were very close and he asked if that was what I wanted. I told him that was what I wanted very much but I did not want it to be a mistake we made one night. Kind of it was either a step towards fixing things or it was a mistake. He says he has not spark for me yet it was him that wanted to that night. Once I said that about the mistake he had a panic attack and ended up leaving.

I don't know if I could have "relations" with him right now. It would be very hard to get these things out of my mind. But I do need the comfort of a hug or his hand on my back. I do need to be shown he cares other than in words ect. I guess maybe you would call that intimacy.

I have asked God for help in the patience dept. I know I need it. I know things won't be better overnight. I have decided to give my marriage to God and trust him to guide me in my decision as far as it is concerend. (very hard to do but I am trying) As someone wrote on the board even our money say "in God we trust".

I was in a very good mood tonight at supper, Wed. I was in a bad mood. These thought of H and OW would not stop going through my head. So we ate dinner but I was very quiet.

I wonder if he will ever be ready to discuss our relationship.

Tami