Hi. I'm new to this BB, as you can more than likely tell. Recently, I was physically abusive towards my wife.

We had been having problems with infrequent sex and my wife's sexual drive had been on low for a about 5 to 6 years. A few weeks ago, I had finally had it and explained to my wife that I can no longer suffer this way in our relationship and she needed to get it resolved. I told her that I had thought about infedelity, but I had not done anything yet. I felt quilty just thinking about it, so I decided to tell her before I got a chance to do it.

The next week, I found out that she had been emailing an ex-boyfriend from before we were married. When confronted with the email address, she lied and said it was one of our neighbors. I told her I already knew who it was and got really upset. This was the first time in the whole 10 years we had been married that she had lied to me, that I know of. At first, she would not tell me the nature of the emails. I broke into both of her email accounts to read them. Not very many. She told me there were 6 total emails. She said that she didn't tell me because she was afraid that I would get angry (which I would have) and that with our sex problems that I would have taken it the wrong way. One of the titles of the email had the subject, "SEX". She explained that she did that because she wanted him to read it because unless it had those words, he would have deleted them. So the argument came to a close one Friday night.

That Monday I re-broke into her email accounts to finish reading them. Then I realized that the oldest email listed was from March of this year! I had been under the impression that she only emailed him to discuss our marital problems because he's a Marriage and Family therapist. I flew home and had more arguments with her about the nature and the true length of the conversations. She informed me that this correspondance had been initiated by her on 9/11/2001. It was started because she knew his sister lived around the NY area and she wanted to make sure that she was ok. It was devastating to me. I couldn't understand why she would keep something like this away from me. So the argument got settled, we watched Monday Night Football together.

Towards the end of MNF, we started arguing again. I just couldn't let go of the pain of her lying and keeping that secret from me, if it was so innoculous. Then she stated that she had spoken to someone at my work and said that I had been getting chummy with a person named, Veronica. I had no idea what she was talking about. Realize too that by this time, I had consumed almost 3/4 of a 5th of whiskey. I got angry with her for trying to turn the tides on me, when I had done nothing. I started yelling at her to tell me who it was that told her this, so that I could confront them and ask why they would say such things. She kept refusing. I got an idea in my head. Why don't I go downstairs and get my short sword and scare her into telling me. So that's what I did. I walked downstairs and came back up with the sword. I put it up to her neck and told her to tell me. Her reaction was to push me back. Between that reaction and mine to keep my balance I gave her a very minor cut on her neck to her chin.

She ran out of the house to the police station right next to our house. They came and arrested me. I spent the next week in jail with no one to call.

Anyway, now that you all know the story, I need some help with how to win her back. I want her to know that it was an accident and that I'm really sorry this happened. I found out through a friend of hers that she is not contemplating divorce. I will do anything to have her back. We have 2 small children (ages 3 and 2).

On a daily basis, I go from wanting to win her back to realizing that it's an unsurmountable feat to do so. I really don't know what to do. Please help. I have counceling starting on Monday, which may help. My legal case is still pending. She has an Order Of Protection in place, where I cannot contact her at all. I will be going to court for that next week to attempt to have it dropped or at least some communication possible.

Hi Kolathdragon,

This isn't going to be very MB-like of me, but to be honest, that kind of treatment is where I would draw the line in any relationship. If someone put a sword to my neck (AND CUT ME?!?!?!?), he'd never see me or his children, again.
I am very pro-marriage, but I would absolutely draw the line at my life being threatened.

You've got some serious problems. You've got obvious anger issues, verbal abuse issues, PHYSICAL abuse issues, and alcohol issues.

I'd encourage you to stay the he!! away from your wife until you've sought treatment for ALL of these dangerous problems. If you love her, you need to get yourself help before trying to win her back. Chances are, when she sees you trying to get help, she'll start to forgive.
YOU need help NOW. If you think all of this started because of lack of SF, you're walking around blindfolded. Those issues I mentioned above don't just suddenly reveal themselves one day. Maybe you are just now seeing them, but I'm sure your W has been suffering through them for years.
Get help, PLEASE. You are a danger to your W and likely your children, too. According to what you wrote, you are a violent man. I can only guess that the alcohol contributes greatly to his. If you truly love her, you should get into an Alcohol recovery program and individual counseling for your anger, verbal/physical abuse. You are a danger to your family. You are a danger to your family. You are a danger to your family. You need help working on YOU, not advice on how to work on your wife.

Good luck. It was painful to read your words and I'm sure you are hurting more than words could ever describe. I wish you luck in facing these problems and starting to deal with them.

Smile

Wow not good.

Ok first can I ask if you've been verbally abusive in the past? Meaning name calling, belittling, being disrespectful, controlling things like that towards your wife?

I have been and still am in a verbally abusive relationship and it hurts more than you could ever imagine. It tears you down to nothing, makes you feel worthless and you get depressed cuz you can't understand why someone that loves you would say and do such hurtful things.

Anyway if you are or have been verbally abusive in the past and you want to change then therapy is a good place to start. I have a ton of web sites that would be beneficial to both you and your wife. It isn't something that can be changed very easily but if you truly want to change for your own sake and not just to get her back then you can do it if you work hard on yourself and learn to understand what this kind of treatment does to your wife. It causes so much pain and hurt and a lot of people just don't realize what it does to a person.

I will wait for your response and if you want information on the web sites then I will post them for you.

ps if you are verbally abusive and controlling then that has a HUGE HUGE impact on a woman's sexual desire/drive!

Jade

We have both been verbally abusive. She had, a few months ago, stated that she's never been happier in her life. We hardly ever argued or fought. Just when it does happen, we both bring our big guns out and fire at each other.

I don't believe that I would be capable of doing this egregious act again. Between the hurt I put on our relationship, the absence of the children, the legal rammifications, and the jail time I served, it will definately deter me from EVER doing this again.

I love my wife with all my heart. I can't even imagine what she's going through right now. I have a counciling appointment already setup for Monday. I have renouced alcohol, and as soon as I can communicate with her, I plan to try anything and everything to win her back.

*

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: jade72 ]</small>

Well it's gonna take time and you need to give her some space and absolutely don't pressure her in any way. Let her know that you are in counseling but I really think that is is best for you both right now not to live together. You need to do the counseling and be honest and open with the therapist about the abusive behavior so that you can work it out. It isn't easy and it doesn't just go away just cuz you say that you don't want to do that again (I've been down that road and if you don't learn new ways to cope and handle your anger then the violence WILL come back, it may not be physical but in other ways). You have to learn not to be violent when you get angry, to listen to her without raging back at her and vice versa.

Here are a few sites.
recognizing your anger this site has other things that would be beneficial to you too...just click the block on the left that says "online articles"
get your angries out
Dr. Irene's abuser pages

These are just a few of the sites that I have found in my research to find solutions for the anger and violence problems he has.

There are no magic words that you can say to win her back and right now it wouldn't wise to rush it because you could very well slip back into being violent since you haven't learned new ways to cope. So take it slow and all you can do is let her know that you love her and that you are working on making yourself a better person and that you are going to counseling and learning to not rage with your anger. Just let her have some space.

Keep posting. Please let me know if the sites I posted have helped you, I would really like to know.
Jade

oops I somehow posted part of that twice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> don't know how that happened.

Wow - I don't even know where to begin!

I think that before you can win her back - you will have to convince her that you are really willing to change your behaviour. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that she was right - but neither were you. In fact you have both hurt each other - but now she may be fearing for her safety.

If you are serious about winning her back - no apology will work. It will take lots of counseling about your slight temper problem, counseling about her dishonesty, counseling about you two working out whatever caused you two to get to this point - and honestly - some hard prayer.

I wish you luck. I know if anyone put a sword to my neck - I doubt I could be forgiving .... but you never know - she might be willing - especially if she loves you. Just make sure getting her back is the right thing for both of you - not just an emotional desire of yours.

Miss Kitty Kat
an emotionally worn out wife

The links were good. The time-out idea was something I had already thought of as a way to get myself out of an angry situation should it arise again.