I have been married 6 months and my wife just informed me that a few months before we met she was involved in a lesbian relationship. She said that it lasted less than a month. She waited until after we were married to tell me about this. I feel suddenly like I don't measure up. If she was interested in a relationship with a woman directly before meeting me, should I be concerned? We had discussed this topic at length before we were married, but she never disclosed this information. Part of me wonders if she is still interested in women or if she's totally happy with me. Should I be experiencing these feelings of inadequacy or (sorry to say) anger at not being told about this sooner? I am forthcoming with her, I guess I expected the same from her, or is this asking too much with this sensitive topic???

I think you should know more not as a basis of comparison, but so that you have a better understanding of what makes your spouse tick. I would be mostly frustrated by this because that kind of sexual preference is something that I think pretty much anyone would realize that their spouse-to-be would want to know about, thus I think she made the choice to keep this from you because you might not approve. There is a distinct difference between not sharing every detail of your past with your spouse and choosing to hide things that you know might be controversial.

Some people believe that in the spirit of Radical Honesty, EVERYTHING about one's past should be shared. I'm not sure if I agree with that, but if it is something that could knowlingly cause static, pain, confusion, anger, disapproval, or the feelings of inadequacy that you have, than I think it is extremely important to be open and honest about them voluntarily.

I don't know your W's side of the story, but given what you have said, I think what she did was a cruel mindf*ck and unacceptable in marriage.

It happened, now how will you handle it? If I were in your shoes, I would explain how important honesty and openness is to me and that I was hurt by how she opted to keep me in the dark and that she didn't feel safe being open with me. I would focus on bringing radical honesty into the relationship and try not to dwell on the what-ifs and whys of her lesbian relationship. Work on the things you can do to make her happy and stop beating yourself up by wondering if you are good enough. You cannot control or change the past. She married you. Work on the marriage.

Smile

Dear Desert,

Marriage means your spouse will sometimes let you down.

I dated a woman who had gay relationships, but she was not the aggessive partner, and she had little temptation when our relationship was going well.

Try to offer your wife varieties in your love-making styles, to see how you can best keep her satisfied with the marriage relationship.

Certainly you had a right to know about that. But it is best to just leave everything before the marriage day, in the past, and not open for further discussion. Ask her, that if she needs to discuss it, that it be discussed in complete privacy, and otherwise kept secret. In Chrisstian principles, a prime reason to forgive, is to forget about the past, and focus on the now and the future. Your wife has apparently asked for forgiveness, and Jesus said we should forgive whenever forgiveness is asked for. As a husband, you are also a Father confessor.

Your marriage needs to be about your marriage, and not about what went on before the marriage.

How can you improve your marriage? What is on your wife's wish list that you have not fulfilled? What is on your Honey Do list? Keep the grass mowed, and leaves raked, and don't worry about the past.

Your wife trusted that you would forgive her, I imagine, and that is why she did not tell you until after the marriage. It is apparently no big deeal to her, someting she was willing to put behind her, or she would have tried to get some better understanding on the issue before marriage.

Best wishes,

Qupper
Marreid 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>