well, my wife is still suspicious of me... when I was in the garage working on my car she phoned home from work to check up on me...also asks me just about every other day whether I have email/phone contact with the OW...

always the probing questions...i read that its harder to maintain a marriage than it is to get a divorce and I have to totally agree...

last week i was thinking so much about the consequences of D on family life,
friends, work and my faith...

i have already told her to stop with the questions but she believes that this should not be swept under the carpet and drop out of sight!

i only feel intimidated when she lays these (and what I feel to be) "trick questions" where my answers will either "damn me if i do and damn me if i don't". When I have to think of what to say she says that I'm ignoring the question. When I reply that I'm thinking about it I should let her know that.

I'll have to bring this up with the counselor at the next meeting.

What do you people out there think of this?

Dear Dan,

Most MB posters respond the the question being asked. I usually try to look behind the question.

Another way ask a question related to your situation, is: "How can I regain the trust of my wife, so that she does not feel a need to call to check on me?"

A question comes to mind, "Why are you telling the truth now, when you were lying before? Why not start lying again?"

You posted your goals in Prayers. I do not see you posting goals for yourself. You do not specify how you plan to serve God.

You do not indicate where you went too far with OW. What feelings led up to your vulerability. What have you done to improve your satisfaction with your marriage? Where have you now decided to cut off a ralationship with a new woman, before it gets too far?

You make it seem like since you have NOW been honest with your wife, that you should be entitled to trust. Your wife understands human nature. Little children lie almost naturally to keep from displeasing others. If you don't understand what motivates people to lie, you might read SCIENCE OF SURVIVAL by L. Ron Hubbard. Then you might learn what your wife already knows.

The Bible speaks of REPENTING in the King James version. The word repenting is not in common usage today. In the Greek, it means to change to become more ethical. The Bible gives examples of Baptism or accepting Jesus as pivotal points for Repenting. Going to counseling is one way to accomplish changing to a more ethical perspective in today's world.

I still see your list of Goals as dishonest. I am not a big fan of RH, Radical Honesty, and you may be wise not to post your real goals. But you might be wiser to be more honest with your wife. You need to put some semblence of selfish manhood into your goals. What about getting laid every so often?

There are limits on what I am going to do for my wife. I am going to put forth a reasonable effort to contribute to the family income. But I am going to limit the risk my health. I am ging to limit my job contraints on activities that I feel serve God, including advocating before government bodies on upcoming legislation. And I expect to have some time left over to do some political writing.

I have not read all your posts, but I have not seen that you understand your sexual desires, and the role that your wife plays in satisfying, and hampering the fulfillment of your climaxes. If your wife is not leaving you limp before she goes out in the morning, then your partnership needs more work.

For me, errotic videos enhance my satisfaction in foreplay and climax. I do not see that you have let your wife know how she can best keep you from being interested in other women. I do not see where you have let your wife know how she can better encourage your abitions in the workplace and the world.

I personally see many reasons for your wife to question your honesty.

You seem like you are in recovery. It seems like you are recovering from an affair. In the Infidelity section, there is considerable traffic in Just Found Out, General Questions II, and In Recovery.

You also seem dishonest to me, because the way you talk about your counselor, seems like he is some hero to you. My rules in couseling were never to criticise my wife in session, but if the counselor said something with which I did not 100% agree with, I would let him have it, big time. I showed my honest anger. It does not appear that you are being honest with your counslor.

What is most importnat, is that you be aware of what your feelings ARE, and find a civil manner to get your needs met. I did not read all your posts, but I have not seen posts describing your ideas of where your wife can improve. You should have your wish list firmly in hand, and I don't see it.

There are other posters who are more gentle. Stephan got tired of talking to me, and listens to LadySheep, who is more supportive of what posters want to do. I'm just telling it like I see it. I am happy to change my opinions as I am shown to be in error <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 25 years and still struggling.

<small>[ October 02, 2003, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper, I like what you had to say about the goals and looking behind the question that made a lot of sense.

Where do you locate and post goals?

Dear She Will,

I recall that Van Dan had written some goals in one of his posts under the Category Praying. I went back to look for his goals, but I did not find them again.

To see what another poster has posted, you can click on their name at the left, and click on VIEW RECENT POSTS near the top of their profile. Another way is to use the posting number, and search, selecting a posting category.

I felt that Van Dan could elaborate more fully on his goals, and that his wife might feel she was receiving a genuine communication, rather than simply his calculation of what she wanted to hear.

I cannot think of any threads that I know about that are specifically about setting and defining goals. By reviewing the 10 Emotional needs, and the QUESTIONAIRES, and instructions for QUESTIONAIRES, you will be getting in touch with your goals, and the goals of your spouse.

If you wish to discuss goals further, we could just set up a thread, Let's discuss Goals.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, and still struggling

Good Idea, Quipper!

Now I understand where you are coming from.

My hub and I did do the emotional needs questionaire about 4 months ago. I'll have to pull them out of the drawer and see if I've been doing my part.

Will you start the thread?