Dear IrishClover,
There are several issues you bring up. One is physical abuse, and under a thread entitled VIOLENCE, started by praying under this Resolving Conflict category, there are a number of suggestions for dealing with verbal abuse.
It is not that you were wrong to try to continue a discussion when your husband had lost his cool. I simply suggest that when a spouse starts to lose it, emotinally, that you find ways to give the spouse space, and time, to cool down. Going to another room is one way to give space, (Gerald Patterson 1987), also the Intimate Enemy books on marriage. You and your husband apparently do not have an agreed upon process of giving each other time and space to cool down.
Whether you were flirting or not, your husband became emotionally jealous. Jealousy is part of love. You could thank him for displaying his love, and try to be considerate by dropping the subject for the time being.
One of the things mentioned in MB articles on negotiating, is to select a time when emotions are calm, and there are no other pressures, so a relaxed atmosphere can prevail.
Two nights ago, I took my wife to dinner to discuss some of our differences. We discussed a number of issues, and moved on to other issues, but we came to a point where my wife became irritated. I said let's stop discussing things, untill another time. we need to take a breather. Thanks for all your listenting so far. We left the resaurant, she was upset, I drove her to her car, which we had left at her work. She said she needed some time to just sit in her car and think. I drove home. She came back a little later and had sorted things out, and was in a normal mode.
You can participate in creating a downward spiral by continuing to insist upon discussing issues when emotions of your spouse have risen above logical. Family members sometimes need time and space to cool down. Illogical, but part of being human.
Your claim of inocense did not need to be discussed at that time, and you could have said, "I feel I am innocent, but I am honored by your anger over jealousy. When you are ready to discuss it calmly, let me know. For now, it seems like you could use some space. In the meantime, I will try to be very discreet at work."
Another issue to negotiate, is to let your husband know that women have maternal instincts, and that is often expressed as a love toward animals. You should probably sit down, at a calm time, and discuss the issues, so that you are not in public, with a diagreement. "If you feel that I am overly affectionate to an animal, just let me know, and I will make it up to you, when you mention the issue later. Just mention that I have some making up to do, when we are in private."
Hope things are back on track, by now.
Best wishes,
Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling
