My wife and I had an argument today. I accused her of turning me against my family. She wrote back and said exactly this:

" ... you are always using every little thing i say against me. you don't
****ing EVER open up and tell me how you feel then you turn around and
use it against me like i knew you were thinking that. and you have the
nerve to twist how i feel and the things i say to make me look like a
bad person. youre nothing but a ****ing *******. you gotta learn to
make decisions and take responsibility for them and not always blame
them on someone. you've always been a ****ing coward and i don't want
to spend the rest of my life with a lying [censored] who is always
looking for pity and looking to blame other people for being a
miserable ****ing [censored]."

Is there anything wrong with this reply? I thought she was a bit too harsh and degrading.

Maxwell

Looks like you're both lovebusting. What's the history here? Is this the way you two communicate normally or are there events that sparked this anger? IMHO, you're both wrong if you're making accusations and she's reacting in this manner. Instead of asking if she's wrong, I think you two need to ask yourselves if you're both willing to learn how to communicate your problems in a healthy and loving manner.

Dear Max,

Your question is whether your wife's response was a little overboard.

Dobie surmised that your wife did not just come up with that response out of the blue.

Dobie's advice to find a more healthy, and loving ways to discuss your problems, is excellent advice, that cannot be topped.

Your wife may have considerable frustration built up. Is this her normal response to your bringing up problems for discussion? Is ther a way to discuss past issues and to release her frustration?

You might step back from the issue at hand, and ask what are the goals you have in common with your wife? Can you discuss your shared goals in a friendly manner?

You have not listed any redeaming qualities for your wife. You may be posting because your wife did take something out of context, and repeat it to you, to set you against your family. You might have assumed your wife's version was accurate, and then turned against your famiy. Have you now found out your wife gave you a deliberately false twist on the isssue?

If this is typical of her responses to issues, then I would recommend that you understand angry and sneaky people better. Your description sounds like a sneaky person who got caught being sneaky, doing back stabbing, and is reacting to being found out, with anger. Anger is sometimes used by sneaky people to cover up their secret acts, once discovered. To understand more about sneaky people, you might read Science of Survival by L. Ron Hubbard. I hope your wife is not a sneaky person, but that is what came up for me, with what you presented. Sneaky people have been a real challenge for me to understand, and handle. How did your wife turn you against your famiy?

Best wishes,

Quipper
married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 06:39 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper and Dobie, many thanks for your response and advice.

Its been a while since I made my posting. My wife and I have reconciled, and things are slowly getting back to normal.

Just to answer some of your questions, I think my wife was right in getting angry at me. I have a very bad habit of not discussing my ill feelings and thought with her, and about her. I store them up without making any attempt to clarify them. And the only time that I let them all out is when we start to argue about something. I would start to tell her about things and matters that happenned weeks, months, or years back. In this case I told her something that she said to me about a year back.

She has been asking me to stop this bad habit, and that I should talk about things as and when they happen. I agree wholeheartedly, but for some reason I can't bring myself to point out her mistakes or wrongdoings.

So I wasn't suprise at all that she was extremely angry that I did it again.

But I do not agree to the way she dealt with her anger. The use of offensive language and words is something I do not consider appropriate when venting out anger against a loved one. I wouldn't do it.

I guess I am just not so used to being sworn at. So I have now made an attempt to open up. I do have difficulty discussing it, so I have put all my feelings and thoughts in writing. I will give this to her, and then we will set a date for discussing them. I hope I am on the right track here.

Dear Max,

It sounds like you are on the right track.

I am happy to be wrong about suggesting that your wife might be a sneaky person. It sounds more like she was just temporarily angry and agitated.

In the MB Negotiations Articles, it suggests finding a time, circumstances and atmosphere, in which problems can be discussed, and planning issues can be raised, and complaints about the past discussed for future planning to avoid unhappy circumstances.

I occasionally catch my wife in a logical mood as she is going off to sleep. She will talk calmly and plan things out. Sometimes there is too much going on in our usual lives, and I ask her to go to dinner with me, after work. I usually try to make a list of things I wish to discuss. I persoanlly carry a pocket spiral pad and a cheap PDA. Sometimes I just bring things up, not expecting any solution to the issue, but just to get it discussed, and back on the table. Our disagreements and complaints are unlikely to improve without discussion. Discussing problems and complaints in a calm manner, retrsospectively and prospectively, is a primary way to build hope for improving things for trhe future.

Blessings,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling