Dear Enchantress and Jackie,
As Smile a Day pointed out, none of us posters are experts. The experts that are here, are here to handle complaints, by locking and deleting threads. However, just because you pay someone 500 or 1000 Dollars, does not mean you will get good advice. Also, many of us posters think we give pretty thoughtful and considerate ideas.
Smile a Day and some others often have helpful tips. If you continue to post back to the threads you started, people often raise hepful questions over time.
My wife and I have gotten along better after we have taken a parenting course. At least we can discuss our differences from the same frame of reference.
Fighting is a rather broad term. You mention disagreeing on how to punish the chidren. There are subjects of fighting, and there are styles of fighting.
In Marriage Bulders, you might look up Love Busters. Fighting implies arguments that overlap into the emtional. One thing that any spouse can do, is to try to stick to the subject at hand, and avoid unduly critical remarks about the other spouse. Easier said than done, but keep a chart for yourself, so see if you can improve.
At least you can avoid being part of a sprialling downward.
Space and Time agreements. If you feel that your spouse is going overboard on an issue, what agreements do you have in place for taking a breather? POJA. Policy of Joint Agreement is a healthy tool to evaluate disagreements, and avoid getting the other partner started.
My household drier needed repair. I could fix it, but there are now larger capacity diers available, 7.5 Cubic Feet that will dry blankets. I felt it was time to buy a new drier, rather than spend time and $120 repairng the old, small one. I have been hanging clothes to dry on plastic hangers for 6 months. My wife charged a new drier at Sears to be delivered the 15th. I refused to fight. I waited. I refused to start a fight. I waited for my wife's enthusiastic support. We have saved a bundle on electricity, in the meantime. My wife yelled at me a few times over the weeks and months, but I just said, "It is up to you."
For ways to arrange breathers, I read the INTIMATE ENEMY books. If your spouse is getting emotional, and you continue to argue logically, you are probably just going to antagonize your spouse further. Go to another room. Do something else. Go to the store to get a loaf of bread or a half-pint of milk. Give space and time. Come back to issues that can be decided later.
Best wishes,
Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling
