Hello. I'm new to this forum but not to Dr. H's concepts. I was wondering if anybody has learned how to avoid conflicts successfully perhaps by predicting how and when the "rules" change. Is there some way of predicting HOW to prevent a fight at any given time. It seems that whenever I decide to deal with any issue the way I was instructed to during the last conflict we had on that issue, it isn't always seen as the correct choice which leaves me very confused. Sometimes I will literally spend all day long trying to decide how to do or say things but despite all the mental gymnastics, I STILL do it wrong...Even when it comes to stupid things like finding out the work schedule. I don't think I have ever had to face this problem before in my life but I also don't really maintain any other friendships anymore either so it is hard to isolate my errors.

Also, is there a way to know when your gut feelings are valid and not paranoia (my family is full of paranoid people). ALSO, is it possible to talk about gut feelings without starting a fight. How do you figure out the source of people's anger: Is there a way of knowing whether or not a person is mad because you expressed your feelings or that you have the feelings. What do you do if you have feelings that are wrong, incorrect, invalid enough to cause anger, even when you try to hide them.

Having said all this. How can I turn all of this mess into a Dr. H success story. Or is it even possible.

Dear Geni 4,

Welcome to posting on MB,

You raise a number of questions. You don't give many specifics of your situation. I try to answer best I can, with whatever info a poster cares to share. I usually ask more questions, but understand if you don't care to answer.

Under MB Basics, there is a subject at the left, Four Guidelnes to Negotiating. There is a section that describes the advantage of selecting a calm time for beginning a negotiation.

I usually confirm that I can have my opponent's attention before beginning a request. The best words will not help you at the wrong time.

I personally carry around a spiral pad in my pocket. I have envelopes of papers at work and home. When a problem comes to mind, I take a page in my little spiral, title it, and start writing down some concepts. I took the name Quipper, as my wife has a short attention span. If I don't get my idea out in 10 words, max, I have lost.

Anger by the other person is a signal, from my perspective, to back off. Another set of phrases to have in mind, is how you are going to gracefully handle rejection of your ideas. Sometimes I can just change the subject, sometimes I need to go to another room, and sometiems I need to leave the premises.

When you say you do it wrong, what do you mean? Just because your idea got rejected does not mean you did it wrong. Perhaps the person needs to hear the idea presented several times over a week or two, before going along with you. My disagreements with my wife last months and years. I just bring it up once in a while, and see if there is any room for negotiation. I usually get rejected 5, 10 15 times before "Winning".

Most people posting here are aware of Dr. Harleys concepts, and try to use them first. Dr. Harley does not claim that MB principles are complete, and all you will ever need. Posting here, others bring in ideas, books and web references, to supplement the good ideas in MB.

If someone expresses anger to you, when you are trying to present an idea, the cause of the anger may not be as important as how you handle the anger. Anger is natural. Anger is often effective in getting your way. Babies cry and get angry. Children are taught more socially approprite ways to express themselves in the society, as they get older (Patterson 1987). The more important question is, why did the person fail to curb his anger?

How can you help to direct the individual's anger in a postive direction? How can you assist the person to exhaust his anger, so that he can begin to reason, and negotiate?

IMO, feelings are not invalid, wrong or incorrect. Feelings stand inviolate, as what they are. Your expression of your feelings is a choice. It can be a wise choice, or a regrettable choice. Feelings can change as more information is acquired, but the original feelings are valid for the circumstances in which they occurred.

Before expressing feelings that might upset someone, you might check your information first. I have found that a successful way to break the ice with an opponent, is to express some innocuous feeling, "I'm feeling a little confused, can you explain how A and B concpets work together?"

To gain more information, to make sure your feelings are based on correct information, you can formulate questions, that are geared to lead to the conclusion you are expecting.

What is the mess you are in? What else are you afraid of?

Welcome,

Quipper
Married 28 years, raised two challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

I agree with Quipper that feeling are not invalid but that you have to make sure that your feelings are based on the correct information.

Gut feelings are not always correct. You can't always go by the gut feeling. A gut feeling is an assumption and I don't think that is is wise to base feelings on an assumption.

You said "Sometimes I will literally spend all day long trying to decide how to do or say things but despite all the mental gymnastics, I STILL do it wrong..." Is it really that you are doing it wrong or is your SO verbally abusive or controlling? If that is the case then I'm afraid that no matter how you word things or what your intentions are your mate will always see it as wrong. A person should not get angry at you because you express your feelings. Feelings are expressed to let someone else know how you are feeling and a person should not get mad at you because you feel. But now when you express your feelings don't say "YOU" statements because those are blaming and put the other on the defensive and that can turn it into a huge argument. And don't base your feelings on assumptions or "gut" feelings because those are not based on fact.

If you can give a specific example of an argument that happened when you expressed yourself.

No marriage or relationship is ever perfect or flawless or without argument but the more you can learn about communicationa and expressing yourself then I think the less arguments there will be.