I decided this morning to come back into marriage builders for help. It's been way to long since I have been here and my problem with jealousy has not been any better in the last year. I read the post from alx1970 and I could be his wife. However, he says he has never given his wife any reason to be jealous. My husband on the other hand has. Before we were married I knew that at one time he had a sex addiction, but he was open and honest about it from the beginning. Almost 2 years ago I found that he was searching and visiting escort service websites. I went belistic. You see I was secure in our relationship. He always put me on a pedestal and I thought he was my knight and shining armor. He pulled the rug out from underneath me. He claims he didn't do anything, but I found a post that he was inquiring on how to hide money from his SO. He says he never made that post. He has never admitted that he did anything wrong. You see, I was not insecure or jealous before this happened. We went through counseling for awhile and I think it would have helped me if he would be honest and just admit what he did. But, he says he will never admit he did anything because he didn't. I feel betrayed and it has detroyed my self-esteem. We have since moved to a new town and I really thought that it would help. I thought time would heal. But, I think I am worse. I try so hard not to be jealous but am always wondering if he is with another women. I know he loves me and if it weren't for that I would have divorced when this first happened. I want to save this marriage and am terribly afraid that I am driving him away with my constant questions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Jan,

Your choice of a name caught my eye.

Many Christians extend the principles in the Bible to admonish against the enjoyment of erotic visions. I have searched the Bible and challenged others, and there is nothing specifically in the Bible about pornography.

The problem you have is that your marriage is probably failing to meet your husband's sex drive. Regardless of the character of your husband, it is foolish to admit to anything, given today's court systems on divorce. A furhter spiraling of the problem, of the marriage not meeting your husband's needs, is that now you have become a less desirable wife, because you are challenging you husband, asking that he admit to his unfulfilled desires.

There are several aproaches open to you. One is to try assist your husband with his self discipline. I have taken, and recommend the Silva Method, Laredo Texas, that holds classes accross the world. It is a weekend or several evenings, costing some $350.00. My wife and I took it together and it helped us in several ways, including self-discipline.

Many of the Christians posting here extend the Biblical principles to extend to an admonition against pronography, Hurting Promise Keeper is one of those anti-porn posters. I challenged him on that a few days ago, and he has not responded.

The problem that the male sex drive is ordinarily larger than the wife's sexual tolerance is rather widespread. Many Christian men enjoy poronography, and agree at various levels, to some extent, that good judgement should be used in the use of erotic images.

Since you do not mention how you have used erotic videos in your marriage to better fulfill your husband's sex drive, I will post some of those ideas here for your consideration.

My wife is often willing to watch erotic videos during our foreplay and love making. Sometimes she takes a prudish attitude, and I back off. I try not to push it, and we wach an erotic video about once a week. Since your hsband is secretive, he may not make the suggestion. You may wish to keep the videos locked under your control. I keep mine in a sturdy combination lock brief case.

Other wives who post here find erotic videos to work in their marriages.

Wife POJA on Erotic Videos

This was a post by a wife, Aeryn, # 28648, and I thought it was inspirational, from my outlook.

POST BY AYERN:

I watch porn with my husband.

I don't have any problems letting him read magazines or whatever on his own. Sexual things are natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I find men other than my husband to be physically attractive, and I understand that doesn't mean I'm in love with these men or my feelings for my husband are in any way less than they would be otherwise. And it doesn't mean anything horrible if he looks at attractive women naked or couples having sex in videos/images.

I'm sorry your wife feels that way, she's missing out on something that could spark a great sex life for the two of you. As far as I'm concerned, all guys look at porn whether single, coupled, married, divorced...whatever.
--------------------------------------------------

This is because men are sexually stimulated visually. It's a biological fact.

Many women here view it through the mind of a woman. "How do I not measure up to the women in these movies/magazines". "What do they have that I don't?"

Sorry, ladies, men are NOT comparing you when they look at pornography. It has nothing to do with emotions for men.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual gratification through images.

If they were to go out and have an affair, yes, that is wrong. But being sexually stimulated by a photograph isn't.

Most women that are against it have looked at a photograph (not necessarily pornographic) or image of men other than their husband and thought them attractive or sexually appealing, so it's a tad hypocritical.

I know plenty of women that think Keanu Reeves is the hottest man since sliced bread, but if their husband is interested in Pamela Anderson, they raise holy hell.
END OF POST BY AERYN
Re-posted by Quipper


The human sex drive can be challenging to fulfill. Are there constructive ways in which pornography can help to fulfill the drive, and reduce the temptation of sinful Adltery?

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Jesus said it was adultery in the heart for a married man to look at another woman with lust. There were nude statues, paintings and drawings in the time of Jesus, but Jesus is quoted with the Greek Words words GUNE, woman, and AUTOS, her, in the passage, Matthew 5:28. The connotations of these Greek words are about an indiviual person, not about paintings, drawings, statues or other likenesses.

Have you read this book?

KOSHER ADULTERY recommends voyerism to satisfy any cravings for adultery and eerotic visions.

posted October 25, 2003 11:07 PMOctober 25, 2003 11:07 PM Today while at Borders looking for books on buidling back trust I went to the psych section and did not stay in the relationship section...There I found this book:Kosher Adultery by Shmuel BoteachHardcover: 336 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 1.25 x 8.72 x 5.84 Publisher: Adams Media Corporation; (September 2002) ISBN: 1580627927

Posted by Way2 under Infidelity, General Questons II.
here's more information:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of the international bestsellers Kosher Sex and Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments, is host of "Dear Shmuley," a nationally syndicated daily radio show on the Talk America Radio Network. For eleven years, he served as Rabbi to the students of Oxford University, where he founded the L’Chaim Society, which became the second largest student organization in Oxford’s history. His book Why Can’t I Fall in Love was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award, and his latest work, Judaism for Everyone, was published to critical acclaim. A winner of the highly prestigious London Times Preacher of the Year Award, Rabbi Shmuley has debated human relationship issues with such figures as Larry Flynt, Helen Gurley Brown, Elizabeth Wurtzel, the Rules Girls, Deepak Chopra, and Jerry Falwell. Rabbi Shmuley lives in New Jersey with his Australian wife Debbie and their seven young children.

Book Description
How can adultery-the worst of all marital sins-be considered "kosher"? As internationally bestselling author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach explains, what often leads to infidelity is too much trust and complacency, which causes routine, boredom, and waning attraction. You and your spouse must look to the principles of adultery-forbiddenness, danger, excitement, tension, and voyeurism-to achieve the outer limits of erotic excitement, passion, and pleasure in your own marriage.

In this revolutionary new book, Rabbi Shmuley explains how you can rekindle the fiery attraction and endless lust that existed before you and your spouse became husband and wife: Kosher Adultery. Husbands must turn their wives into mistresses; wives must turn their husbands into lovers. Through the groundbreaking "Ten Commandments of Kosher Adultery," wives become their husbands’ private WebCam girls, while husbands have sinful affairs with their wives, who are completely unaware of the real identity of their mysterious admirers. Rabbi Shmuley shows you how to:

-Create erotic desire in the mind, the source of all lust and attraction

-Look at your spouse with the eyes of a prowling suitor

-Bring the danger of an affair into your marriage without being unfaithful

-Turn attraction and fantasies about strangers into an electric night of passion

-Bring novelty into marriage by viewing your spouse through the eyes of an unsuspecting stranger

-Have a secret e-mail affair with your spouse without anyone discovering your identity

-Introduce erotic voyeurism into your marriage

-Increase desire and sinfulness through the use of erotic obstacles and barriers

Continuing where Rabbi Shmuley’s classic Kosher Sex leaves off, this highly controversial and electric work challenges all past and contemporary scholarship about the marital bed, ensuring that it will be the most hotly debated and discussed book of the next decade.


In most cases where I have seen posts of women complaining about pornography, it seems to me the wives could have been more cooperative with their husband's sex drive, and incorpoated pornography better into the marital love-making scenerio. Since secrecy is possible, wives who make prudish comments, may well be setting themselves up for failure. It may even be wise for a wife to occasionally rent a XXX movie, herself, to be sure that Hubby feels free to bring up his desires for errotica.

To me, Porno Addiction is a convenient term used by therapists who are trying to find a way to avoid telling the wife to stop being excessively prudish. Certainly SA Whitebook gives a large number of psychological disadvantages to over-dependence on pornography. But the causes of problems with pornography lies primarily with prudishness, which is supported by public pretenses of prudishness by many, cloaked behind private and secret enjoyment of errotica.

I have not seen this book discussed on the porn threads in Emotional Needs. Just picked your thread as the latest one I see. I have not read your story.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: Raizel ]</small>

I think the things that you mention are by far great ideas, the problem is I am not the prude in this relationship. My own desires for exploring sexual alternatives are much greater than my H's. I have always wanted sex more than him.
The one time that we allowed ourselves to discuss our desires I was flabergasted by what he wanted me to do. He suggested swapping ( this would clearly be adultery and I can't or won't be apart of that). It is one thing to have a fantasy and I don't have a problem with that, but being with someone else so that he can get turned on is not for me. This hurt me in a way I never thought possible. If I were a prude and not open to trying new things, I could have understood his suggestion better, but I am not. Its interesting that you bring up the point that Christians and their desire to admonish pornography. Since committing our lives to the Lord, my H threw out all of our sex videos and our sex life has become much of a bore. Same thing all the time and I have to beg for sex. For a while we would visit strip clubs (at first I didn't think this was a good idea, because of his previous addiction to sex) but I actually enjoyed it and wow the sex was great, but not anymore. Of course, this was before our walk with Christ. We are Christians now and it is forbidden. I have tried several different things, stockings, garter belts, the whole nine yards and the response I get is that it is a waste of money because it doesn't stay on long enough and that really doesn't do anything for him. Well, I am 5'7" and 125lbs, I feel good about myself when I look in the mirror and his comments hurt me and my self-esteem. I go to the pool and guys are always looking, I walk in a room and heads turn (even women)and it makes me feel so good. So, why am I not able to turn his head? He says he enjoys the intimacy of holding each other more than the act itself. I think this is wonderful and it is very fulfilling. But I want an active sex life as well. The problem goes back to How do I find out what does do something for him? It is really hard when he is uncomfortable talking about our sex life. How do I get him to open up? I don't have a problem with pornography at all. In researching the difference between men and women and fantasy, it was interesting to discover that it is in a man to think of other women several times a day. Yet, most women when they fantasize, do so most of the time about their SO or someone close to them. While men on the other hand fatasize about many women. I am not jealous of the fantasy. He claims that he doesn't want sex as much because he is older, cripes, he's 46 not 86. I am 43 and menopausal and my desire has increased ten fold. I think that this should be a good thing, but apparently he doesn't think so. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I still have hope knowing how deep our love is for one another. Where there is faith in God, there is hope. I will look for the book you suggested as well as research Silva Method in our area. Thanks.

Jan

Dear Jan,

I suggested a wide range of options, but I did not go to swapping. I knew a guy who had a wife who was willing to do swapping, and he ended up having a nervouos breakdown. I really don't recommend that. What he told me, was that he and his wife would go to a party, and he would tell his wife which woman he was interested in. His wife would begin negoitating with the wife's husband. He said his wife always got whoever he picked. He always ended up in bed with the woman he had asked his wife for. I don't feel sufficiently self-assured to try that. Perhaps it is partly moral fiber, but for me, it is mostly chicken. I would not feel in control.

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You are beautiful. So lets look at H's silence. Let us suppose that he needs a special atmosphere to feel like opening up. For me, getting into the mood, is largely a matter of feeling of trusting not to get rejected, or ridiculed. Even though you may have never rejected H, perhaps you might look for ways to set a mood of acceptance. Music, TV Video, lighting, scented candle. Perhaps bedtime could be a ritual of creating an atmosphere.

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Silva should give you better feeback when you are lying down, as to what area to massage to get things going. I have never had Rolfing, but I heard it was eroticaly stimulating. I watch my massage instruction tapes, I got off the internet.

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Raizel ]</small>