Me and my wife have been married for about 7 and 1/2 years and have one 3 year old. We have had our ups and downs and just recently we have almost been divorced. I know that I have not always showed my wife the affection and love she needed but I tried and I want to do better. I would get angry when we would argue and throw up divorce and say "We just can't get a long anymore! Maybe we just need to get divorced!" I would do that out of anger and also to see if that threat would make her change. Well she recently called my bluff and said that she is not sure if she wants to make it work and that she doesn't feel the same for me anymore because she thought I had quit caring about her. But I never did I have always loved her and cared about her. Her and my son are my life and I don't want to lose that. Well anyhow when she felt that I didn't care about her anymore she began to talk with someone else, but she assures me that they just talked and she was ready to divorce me. We have argued and talked and negotioated and now we are going to try and make it work but she still says that she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore and it hurts me so bad to look at her and not see that same person anymore. We don't touch, sleep together, anything besides a "I love you" hug and kiss. Thats all. She says that that is all she can give right now and when she is ready she will come to me for more. She says that she needs time to get those feelings back or even see if she can. What do I do? Do I just sit back and give her her time? Do I keep letting her know how much I love her and that I am ready to start over? She has promised to stop talking to this other person because she says if we get divorced she doesn't want me to think that it was because of another guy. Any suggestions? Please help! I am so confused!

This is an EA (Emotional Affair). Read SAA and start Plan A immediately. Do the EN questionnaires together and start working on stopping love busters and adding to her love bank.

She claims this OM has nothing to do with her wanting a divorce. Sounds like fog talk to me. She believes it, but that doesn't make it true. Ask if she'll do a No Contact letter to this other man and you'll see just how committed she is at this point. If she says no, don't stress yet. Things are still pretty early in the game and it'll take a while to see progress.

Best of luck. There's a wealth of good advice here.

Dobie,

I did make her call this OM and she told him that they could not talk until we would see if our marriage would work. I dialed the number and sat there while she told him. Was that good or bad? Do I still need to ask her to write him a No Contact Letter?

Dobie,

Also what is SAA? Thanks.

Brian,

Making her call OM was a bit of a lovebuster, but that can be worked on. The problem is that you have no way of knowing whether she calls him again later and apologizes, etc. "My husband MADE me do it." SAA is Surviving an Affair, a book written by the owners of this site. You can purchase it thru this site or Amazon. I wasn't patient enough to order online and found it at either Borders or Barnes and Noble, can't remember which. It has some tremendously good advice and I'd read it as soon as possible. Much of the advice is also on the home page here to get you started. You can also schedule a phone consulatation thru the Harley's counseling service. It's a little expensive, but much cheaper than divorce.

How does she know OM? Work, hobby, etc?

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Dobie ]</small>

She met him through work. He doesn't work were she does but some how they are affiliated in the same type of work. I am going to order the book but do I need to get her involved and ask her to read the book also. She feels now that I am blaming her for everything and I am pressuring her. I want to do whatever it takes to work it out. Each time I bring up the OM she get frustrated and says that she told me that she would not talk with him anymore. I guess I need to trust her and go on? I am so confused!

Have you been to the Steps to Recover portion of this website yet? It's a great place to start until you get the book. Don't pester her to come here or read the book. She'll feel like she's being nagged and it will drive her away from you. You can't change the way she's thinking by hounding her. What you can do is focus on yourself. If you feel like you're having problems with anxiety or depression, you may need medication to temporarily help you. If so, see a doctor. Learn about Plan A and it will guide you in the right direction. The main thing right now is to do things for yourself (diet, exercise, etc) and stop losing love units. The more you chase her, the farther she'll distance herself. Make yourself more attractive by working on yourself and giving her no cause to protect herself from lovebusters. Start at the beginning, Brian. You're fortunate that it sounds like this EA was caught before it became more serious. But you're trying to solve everything at the same time and that's not the way it works.

No whining, no pressure, no attempts to reason with her or educate her. They'll only backfire on you. Just educate yourself on how to deal with this and concentrate on what you can do for yourself.

Dear BJ,

Have you read the Love Diet at the end of the 180 Degree Divorce Busters under Negotiations, posted by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN?

Perhaps we can define one proplem as a need for approaches in seduction.


180 Degree Divorce Busters can be found under the NEGOTIATING category, posted a month ago and updated a few weeks ago, by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN. Any post by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN has the reference at the bottom of his post, and you can just click on it. I have not yet learned to put a link in a post.


But read about the 10 emotional needs in Marriage Builder articles. You are not mentioning what his needs are. Under QUESTIONAIRES, top bar of main Marriage Builders Home Page, you should identify your needs and his needs, so you can be sure you are doing the smartest selection of caring for your wife.

You have not told me of your massage skills. Baby oil is good for massages. Basically along the back are two alluvial canals, full of muscles, on each side of the back bone. The muscles go up the neck and back down to the shoulders and up to the base of the skull. Presssing with your finger tips on an area for 3 to 5 seconds and releasing creates a feeling of relaxation. You can use your knuckles with one hand upside down, and press the hand, knuckles down, into the middle of the muscles by leaning on the fist, with the palm of the other hand.

Posting is threapeutic

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, stil struggling

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Here's Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

However....I recommend using this in conjunction with Dr. H's Plan A.

Quipper.....here is a link that will show you how to add links to your threads:

Takola's Guide to Adding Links and Quotes