I recently had an affair. My husband and I are trying to work things out, but how do we get his mother to accept me back into the family? He has already discussed things with his family and told them that if they have anything negative to say then dont say anything at all. His mother is nice when he is around, but when he's not, it's a different story. Please if anyone can give some advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Dear EDMP,

My latest verbal self-defense phrase is, Could you give me a look that is a litle more considerate to my Ego and feeling of self-esteem? Words? Tone of voice?

Have you apologised to his mother? Have you asked for suggestions on attonement?

Click Here for Links to a longer version of The Love Diet Excerpt, and other good stuff TOOMCUCHCOFFEEMAN TCMB Garage

How about a gift of the book, WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW?

Have you looked in TMCM MB Garrage? It is at the end of 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negoitations, posted by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=26&t=000016

How about printing out the Love Diet excerpt, and giving it to your MIL, so that she can see where she could have done better in advising her son to be a better husband?

THE LOVE DIET

Us men often overlook simple things that can make a big difference to a woman. I recommend you read The Love Diet,

I will copy the first part of the post here, to get you interested.


quote:
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From Barbara DeAngelis book "What Women Want Men To Know":

The Love Diet: How To Feed Your Partner's Heart.

This is the "Love Diet". I've created it as an easy way to remember and practice feeding your partner's heart and being a wonderful lover outside of the bedroom. It's simple, it's fun, and it will make a big difference in your relationship.

When you study nutrition, you learn about the basic food groups -vegetables, grains, proteins, dairy products- and the importance of having each of these every day. Well, the emotional nutrition is the same -feeding your partner's heart means making sure you give him or her all of the basic "emotional food groups" each day. What are these? I call them The Three A's: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. They are the secret ingredients contained in the Love Diet that will fill up your partner's heart: You pay attention, you show affection, and you express appreciation.

If I asked you right now how often you need to eat every day, you'd probably answer that you need to eat at least two or three times a day, with a few snacks in between. Well, I'd like you to think about feeding your partner's heart in the same way with the following Love Diet.

*Love Meals: Your partner needs three Love Meals a day. What is a Love Meal? It's a time each day for three minutes when you feed your partner's heart with one or more of the menu items contained in the Three A's: Attention, Affection, or Appreciation. I call this the 3X3 formula, three times a day, when you choose to actively love your partner for at least three minutes. Think about it as three minutes of intimacy. Maybe it is three minutes in the morning together before you get out of bed,or three minutes on the phone in the middle of the day, or three minutes after the kids go to sleep. These are Love Meals. Just like you'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you have Love Meal#1,#2,and #3!!

*Love Snacks: Even when you eat several good meals a day, you need a snack once in a while, don't you? Well, the same applies to feeding your partner's heart. Along with the 3X3 formula of three Love Meals a day, give your mater several love snacks during the day. What is a love snack?:


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, stil struggling

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 05:52 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

His mother said many things when she found out about the affair that really hurt. She called my mom and told her that I was a bad mother along with alot of things that were hear say that really wasn't true. I feel that she needs to appoligize to my mother for telling her that she was never there for me. I just want her treat me as a person. She also insists on taking my daughter to her house several times a week. I feel no need for my daughter to be with her that often. I feel that if she wants to see my daughter that she can see her at my home. She also raises her other 2 grandchildren and her 30 year old daughter.

Dear EDMP,

It sounds like you have some clear goals. That is an important first step.

I have been deleted by moderators lately for being too wild. The following idea should be delted.

Get a restraining order prohibiting your mother near your house.

That idea shows you I am listening to you.

You could lift the restraining order once she appologises and starts reducing her kidnapings.

Since you are still married, you have joint custody. Both parents must agree about the children's privilegs.

But tell me what she says, or looks like. I keep a list of phrases in my locker at work. I have been meaning to review my phrases, as I am overdue.

Also, I need a communications drill partner. I should practice some of my preaching. You could do some role playing with a partner, switching off playing for MIL.

To get control of people, you can tell them what nasty things you don't want to do to them, so they will apreciate the privileges you provide for them.

"On Tuesdays, I need my daughter to have crochet lessons. I should have her take dancing lessons on Thurdays, but I know she enjoys her vistits with you on Thursdays and Sundays. So I am going to delay the dancing lessons. But I feel stongly about the crochet lessons on Tuesdays."

Recap: Wife, with husband and daughter, past A resented by MIL, MIL nasty, takes daugher too often.

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 cahllenging kids, stil struggling

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

You can't do anything to make her think or act differently. That is something you have no control over and never will. What you do have control over is how you think and act.

First, your MIL is your husband's responsibility. He has already set a boundary with her but now he has to be the person to enforce it. Again, you can't control what he does but you can express what she says or does to you, how it makes you feel, and ask him to work with you to protect you from her hurtful behavior. Work out a plan with him to follow. Come to an agreement about your daughter's visitation with his mother. (ie. Mary can spend Saturday afternoons with grandma but grandma will have to pick her up and bring her home at X time. If grandma is consistently late bring Mary back home, she will not be able to take her to her house anymore Further, grandma can come to our house to visit but she will have to be nice when she is here or she will not be welcome here) Come to an agreement about what you can do when she says/does hurtful things. (ie. If she is over here and says something mean, I will tell her that I feel that it was a mean thing to say and to please be nice when she is here. If she says something mean again, I will ask her to leave. If we have a consistent problem, she will not be welcome here when H isn't home.) Then ask your husband to explain to his mother the decisions that you both have agreed to. Then stick to them. She will test the boundaries (just like a child does) so you have to be firm to stick to the consequences. You aren't controlling her or making her think or act a certain way...she still makes her own choices only now she also gets to chose the consequences that come with those choices.

Dear EDMP,

My ex-daughter-in-law is an adultress. She chose to lie repeatedly to my son, to deceive him time and time again to be with her lover, to manipulate him into babysitting for their child while she went out to have sex with OM.

I was the one who answered the phone when he called at 6 AM to tell us about the discovery of her betrayal. His voice was shaking. He could not complete a sentence without stopping to catch his breath. A few hours later I had to book the quickest flight I could get to help him take care of his little boy because the trauma of dealing with DIL's betrayal caused him to develop an irregular heart beat. I hugged him as he wept while clutching the album of their wedding photographs. I listened as he weighted the decision to give up the home and job he loved to move to another state because DIL has taken their child there so that she could start a new life with OM. I watched him lose 20 pounds when he could not sleep and could not hold down food.

It does not take much of an imagination to know how I felt toward the woman who had caused my son (and the rest of our family) so much anguish. Please take a moment to consider what feelings your MIL has suffered because of what you purposefully did to her son. You grievously wounded her boy and struck a near-fatal blow to her family. Make no mistake. Adultery is an assault on the entire family!

Nevertheless, I maintained a civil relationship with my DIL as my son attempted for two years to reconcile. I even flew out to get my grandson so she could have some time alone to "think." I was not about to do anything that would jeopardize my son's attempt to save his family. I spoke not one word about what she was doing. I say "was doing" because the adultery and the lying never stopped. I would have been so relieved if she had wanted to rebuild the marriage, but she never intended to. It was a futile effort on my son's part.

It is unfortunate that your MIL does not realized that her behavior is threatening to destroy her son's chance for happiness. Her behavior is hurting the son she loves. She can't help her son be happy by antagonizing you. Your husband should make this clear to her.

How is it that she is allowed to call the shots about taking your child? You control that. However, can you not understand why she does not want to be in your company after the things you have done to damage her family? Give her time. You have to prove to her by your behavior that you will not hurt her family again.

Let her see her granddaughter reasonably often. In your daughter, she sees her son. She also has recently experienced the gut-wretching fear of losing this child if you broke up the marriage. (Been there; done that. The horror of the possibility of losing a grandchild when your son's wife takes him away is like dealing with the death of that beloved child.)

EDMP, your deliberate betrayal and the horrendous disrespect you have shown toward your husband have driven a stake into your MIL's heart. You must respect the damage you have done to her at the same time you establish boundaries that protect your role as wife and mother in your own home.

I sincerely hope that you are able to regain your husband's trust and rebuild your marriage. You and he must work together to make it clear that you two are a team. No one can attack one of you without attacking the whole family unit.

I respectfully ask you to remember that you chose a path of behavior that earned your MIL's distrust and contempt. I hope that your sincere efforts, your husband's support, time and patience will rebuild your family.

Estes

<small>[ November 22, 2003, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>