We are a recovering couple and have been to marriage counseling when I found out my husband was sleeping with a friend of mine. It has been about 8 months but at times the wounds seem so fresh. We are in the same house but trying to sell it. I hate the house because they had most of thier meets there. Anyway, I use to think that my husband and marriage came first but now I put our 2 year old first. I thought we were going to be okay but lately i think we are not. I have seen a counselor on my own and it has been suggested that I am just feeling a relapse oof the affects the affair had on me. If I hang in there they will subside and I will feel renewed. But I can't help it for a about 2 nmonths now I have noticed that my husband has been acting different around our nanny and I saw the same thing when I found out about him and my friend. I am also dealing with a very sore subject in a 17 yo step daughter who completely disrespects me, us and our family. When I ask him to address the problems we are having with her he just says what can I do she is 17 I can't make her do anything. I am very frustrated that he will not do anything with her and now I think he is building to an affair with our nanny or is already having one. I am about at my wits end and I am thinking of taking our 2 yo and leaving. I love him and I want to work it out but I feel like I am the only one putting any effort into our marriage and family most of the time. When I try and talk to him for some emotional support he just seems to twist what I say around and say well I don't know what your talking about or I can't do anything about it. Help any suggestions?

Dear Lee Ann,

You have several challenges. I should start with the most important first, but it seems that there are several important issues.

Teenagers can be challenging. I am working on reading Gerald Patterson, 1987, Adolescent Parent Training, Castalia press, 2 volumes, ($35.00) When your husband says he cannot do anything, point out the 5 miniute chores that Patterson recommends. Also the short withdrawals of privileges. Actual Book Info: Parents and Adolscents Living Together, 2 Vol, by Gerald Patterson and Marion Forgatch, 1987, Castalia Press, 1-541-343-4433

My wife and I always did better after taking a parenting class. Classes usually last 6 weeks, one night a week. Try Churches, Schools, School Board offices, Private schools, Department of Social Services. Get some dates to propose to your husband.

Do you feel that your husband has problems with self-discipline? My wife and I took the Silva Method, from Laredo Texas, classes offered around the world. It is a few evenings or a weekend, costing about $350.00. The course also helped my Wife and I relate better.

Is it possible that your husband has a bigger sex drive than yours? You do not mention any steps you have taken to pick up the slack. My wife cycles through giving and withdrawing POJA on errotic videos in the marital bedroom. I feel errotic videos help keep my drive in check. For tips on making up a difference in martial sex drives, there is a book: Kosher Adultery by Shmuel Boteach, Hardcover: 336 pages; Publisher: Adams Media Corporation; (September 2002) ISBN: 1580627927. The last lady I recommend this book to never posted back again. I don't know if she got angry at me, or if it actaully worked. Certainly there are some feminist issues that get discussed in MB, that TV and Newspapers overly employ scanty apparell.

One of the problems with an affair, by the husband who felt shorted on marital realtions, when an affair is discovered, then the wife is less interested in marital sexual relations, and there is a downward spiral.

There is a book referred to as SAA, Surviving an Affair. People on the is board have largely praised the book. Surviving an Affair, by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D, available from the MB Bookstore, from main Home Page.

There is a section of Infidelity, and In Recovery, or General Questions II, where more posters with infidelity questions post.
I personally try to keep posting back, until the poster does not post any more, under Resolving Conflicts, so we can continue a dialoge, if that is helpful to you.

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

PS Here is an excerpt from a Parenting article I picked up someplace on the web:

Article on Coordinating Parenting Strategies

In order to achieve this balance, I would first sit down with my spouse and each of us would write a list of behaviors we wish to change in our teen, beginning with what we feel are the most urgent. Next I would take the items we are in agreement on and take a critical view of their priority. For instance, say you both hate the way he dresses but you both know he needs to attend school, refrain from drugs and alcohol, immediately cease being verbally or physically abusive. Getting the problems on paper helps to set your priorities. Yes, pants that hang off the end of his butt are repugnant to say the least, however, this just means you won't take him out with you in public unless he dresses properly. His mode of dress should obviously not be given the energy you should learn to reserve for managing the more serious behaviors.

After setting the priorities we are in agreement upon, my spouse and I should then tackle the behaviors where we conflict. This can be tough, so I'd suggest getting tubs of your favorite ice cream, and sitting at a candle lit table in order to relax the atmosphere. There is an excellent web site on my links page called Re-Evaluation Counseling. This is a terrific resource for learning deep communication skills and I highly advise making the effort to go through each step. You may find amazing reasons why your spouse feels the way he/she does about your areas of parental conflict. You will be able to empathize with his/her feelings and in turn you both will be more able to find a compromise.

Next, you should prepare a list of logical consequences. One parent I know assigns the duty of daily toilet and bathroom cleaning for the offense of "potty mouth". If your teen is found to be secreting away drugs, paraphernalia, or alcohol in his/her room, you can take away their privacy by removing their bedroom door. Choose your consequences carefully, they must make sense to you, your spouse and your teen, and they must be followed through. Nothing will lose you ground faster than backpeddling on the consequences. When your teen argues, do not sway from the consequences. If your teen has a legitimate grievance have them discuss it with your spouse IN YOUR PRESENCE, and then discuss the problem with your spouse IN PRIVATE. Once you have discussed the problem and reached an agreement then you can sit down and discuss your decision with your teen. Do not back down on the decision you and your spouse reached in private, and never, ever hide your teen's behaviors from each other.

Remember that troubled teens need to see healthy, stable relationships. Be affectionate with each other, joke, tickle, and even "smooch" in front of your teen. Remember to do these things with your teen too, even if they say "eeeeeewww!!" they still need to know that in spite of everything you still love them.

END OF ARTICLE

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Thanks for the reply. I have the book Surviving an Affair and I found it to be informative. I have been struggling with many things on top of rebuilding our marraige. Until recently I saw our progress as very good on the recovery stage. However, recent events with the 17 yo and the behavior I have begun to notice in him has thorwn up some red flags. I am in a quandry, my counselor says to "pull back" from the 17 yo and allow him to take a more active roll and to not approach him with my suspicions about his behavior (another affair possibly) until I have more proof. I don't want to pull back because I don't think he will step in and I don't want to wait to approach him because it may be too late. Then again if I am wrong I could destroy the progress we have made so far. It is a hard choice.

Dear Lee Ann,

Is there any way to coordinate to some incremental step to better coordinate wtih your husband, and the issues with your 17 YO step Daughter?

A slight modification of the Article: "Hubby, these are the problems with 17 YO Step Daughter, This is what I plan to do. Please let me know if you have better ideas." Subject dropped.

I strive for ideal phrases for difficult situations.

"Honey, I am feeling jealous of the nanny. I certaily don't want to discharge her, because I think she is good with out daughter. Is it possible you could be a little more distant from her, and I will try to step up my communication with our nanny?"

Start looking for another nanny. It is going to take a certain amount of time for him to get close to the next nanny, keep firing them. It is only a year till your son is in day care. Is your son potty trained? Put him in day car now.

I used to think fidelity was automatic in marriage. I now try to manage fidelity, looking for signs putting in extra attention here and there. Are you planning another child? What are your thoughts about that?

How is the marital bedroom doing? Are you able to utilize visiualization components for maximal depletion of husband's sex drive? Does that help?The author of the book I mentioned, Rabbi Boteach, has fallen into disrepute because of a friendship with Michael Jackson. I just read the reviews, but a poster who saw the book said it was spicy.

Rcap, 17 Yo step Daughter, H no control, H past afair with close friend, 2 YO son, with nanny.


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>