My husband and I have involved for 12 years and married for 8. I have always been physically faithful to him. I have two older step-children and we have one child together.

My problem is that I am having trouble trusting my husband. Before we got involved, he was married for 13 years and was unfaithful to his wife on several occasions. He felt trapped in his marriage and sought marriage counseling but she wouldn’t go. He stayed as long as he did for his kids’ sake. I myself, was no prize and had been involved with a married man whose wife was cheating on him. I’m ashamed to admit this was my life, but it was.

I spent years in therapy before and at the start of our marriage. My husband spent three years after the end of his marriage deciding what had gone wrong and what he wanted for himself. Part of that time he worked on the issue of whether he could be faithful. His experiences in his first marriage shook his confidence. He emerged from therapy satisfied that he could honor his commitments. We had a two year engagement (I wanted to make sure of what I was doing and didn’t want his kids—who I love—to go through a second divorce.) Finally, we married and though our relationship has always had lots of stress from his ex, he and I have been a good team and have worked through it all.

Now…I’ll get to the problem…at the start of our marriage (within one week of our return from our honeymoon) my husband received a promotion and now had to travel 40% of the time. This was a real shock for me as I was now dealing with his 12 year old daughter virtually alone. He was honest about the pluses and minuses of the promotion, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be alone so much. To add insult to injury, he wouldn’t talk to me about things which I felt would have helped me understand his ex-wife and which would help me in raising his daughter. I felt abandoned. He felt the issues weren’t constructive to discuss.

Once, when he was out of town, when he didn’t call me at the time we had agreed on, I found him online in a general chat room at AOL. He wasn’t in private contact with anyone but when we did talk, I went through the roof. I accused him of cruising. He made no attempt to deny or cover-up what he was doing and said he was just looking around and why was I getting so upset. His lack of understanding made me furious and I felt sure that he was minimizing my feelings. I retaliated by going out online whenever I felt like it and flirting with anyone who would reassure me that I was attractive (believe me, I’m not proud of those moments.) One day, I began to realize that I felt very threatened by what he had been doing and was really acting out to get back at him. I decided, though, that I wanted to act honorably because that was the person I wanted to be not because of what he was doing or not doing. I ended all online contact immediately and have never been tempted since.

Last year I told him how I had reacted at that time. He was very reasonable about it and just wanted to make sure that these were random and not repeated contacts. I never met anyone in person and have since then felt totally ashamed of myself for stooping so low and not just telling him how terribly upset I was. He listened to me and trusted what I said.

When I made my confession last year, I also asked if there was anything he hadn’t told me and that I wanted to be closer. At first he said he would have to think it over, that nothing came to mind. About a month later, he said that once a friend had taken him to a strip club (and that he had looked at the women), that he had had a dance with a paid escort he felt he had to take while in Korea and that on a trip to Puerto Rico soon after our wedding, that a woman had made a pass at him. I wasn’t bothered by the first two statements (not my cup of tea) but the last statement really bothered me. I couldn’t see how he hadn’t told me right away. It shook my sense of our common ground so much and challenged all my ideas that we were best friends and truly honest with each other. I was sad, angry, scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop (even though said he had told me everything all at once so that I didn’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop!)

When he told me, he took my by the hand and attempted to do everything to be reassuring. Still, I grilled him for hours about how he could have gotten in this situation and was totally unglued that he hadn’t told me sooner (you may now be thinking he had some sense based on the reaction he got!) It took months for me to regain any sense of trust in him. He was very patient with me in examining why he hadn’t said anything and said he would never do that again. He feels that I should be over the issue now and says that it hurts him that I don’t trust him that he didn’t do anything wrong.

I spend most of last year working with a well known anxiety program and dealing with my own trust issues and self-esteem issues. I feel bad because I want to trust him. He’s a man who is treated by coworkers and friends with near reverence because he is so honest. He is the kind of guy people go to when they want the truth and has worked hard to build himself into someone he is proud of. He says he sleeps well at night because he has a clear conscience.

I have spent hours working on my self-esteem to try and accept why this bothered me so much. Part of the problem maybe that I have no brothers and don’t understand male/female differences too well. I don’t understand how he could not have told me when I would have told him right away. Is this a chick thing?

Anyway, I know this issue probably ranks pretty low on the list of serious issues at this forum, but I would appreciate any feedback which would help me in building my trust. I want to believe my husband is what he says he is but am afraid of getting hurt.

Dear Another View,

Trust is an important concept in marriage. The are layers of levels of trust.

One concept I will suggest, is to list out the ways that your husband has been trustworhty to you. I was recently on a thread with dean 790, and he pointed out that there were some things that he did not tell his wife, as he thinks whe wil not find it any big deal. Many men avoid mentioning things to their wives, like topless joints, that have the risk of herting their wives. Other guys have posted about going to strip clubs without tell their wives.

Maybe your husband misclcualted the hurt his disclosure would have for you. H probably was trying to help you fee comfortable, with your disclosures.

You may do some reading on the MB board on Radical Honesty. I apply RH by avoiding doing anything that i would want to keep secret from my wife. Once something has gotten into the past, I make a judgement based on what I understand of my wife's expectations, and what may hurt her, and trhe chance of inadvertent disclossure.

The incidents you describe for your husband, were chance of the moment things, which would have been diffiicult to back out of. He couldn't really call you at that moment and get POJA, as teh circumstance developed quicker than that would allow. Once the situation was over, then it bacame a matter of timing disclosure. Since it was realy no big deal, and he has worked to avoid these situations occurring again, then telling you perhaps did not seem like an important priority.

What is important is now and the future. What agreements do you have now about out-of town entertainment? Have you told your husband, "Hey, its no big deal, but I want to hear about it the next time we are alone, not years later. OK? I want a chance to wash those images out of your mind."

One of the problems with feeling betrayed, is that the marital bedroom may get backed off a notch. A better planning option would be to make sure the marital bedroom is overflowing, rather than backed off.

If you want to study more about how to evaluate trusting people, Science of Survial is a book by L. Ron Hubbard, ($55.00). There is a category of trustworhiness. I have to locate my copy fo the book.

Blessings,

Quipper Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling