I am trying my best to work with my husband and perhaps save our marriage but my heart is not in it. I am still deeply in love with OM and can't put him out of my mind. I have tried to tell my husband that I need time to get OM out of my system and it is difficult. <P>Last night my husband became angry and took off in the car..he was gone all night. He returned this morning and he had wrecked the car. He told me he had driven several hundred miles trying to find the rest areas on the interstate where OM and I had met twice. I don't understand why he would feel such a need to find these spots...would it not just hurt him more? He punched a hole in the wall and then broke down in tears asking me why...over and over again. He smelled from drinking. I tried to comfort him as best I could but I feel cold towards him. We have tried making love several times since my affair ended but I break down in tears each time. I want to rekindle our love but I don't have much feeling for my husband at all. I don't want him to hurt this way...I wish I could turn the clock back....but all this damage has been done. I just don't see how things can get back to the way they were before.<P>The OM and I still have some contact,and we still say we love each other, but we have also accepted the fact that it is over because we have hurt too many people. We figure we will just drift apart as time goes on. I wish I felt the same intense love for my husband as I do for the OM, but I don't know where such feelings could ever be found. <P>------------------<BR>AnnieL

Dear AnnieL,<BR> I can understand what you are going through. My h is going through an agonizing time also over the ow. If you really want your marriage to work you must stop all contact with the om. you cannot tell each other how you feel. Your h is in the most enormous pain of his life. He is just trying to make sense of what has happened. When you contact the om you are reopening the door to all the hurt that he has endured. Believe me I know. My h still has contact with the ow and has plans to leave me on Friday. I honestly believe you are doing the right thing by wanting to work on your marriage. But from all I've read here it takes time and tremendous will on both partners but the results will be worth it.

AnnieL,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The OM and I still have some contact,and we still say we love each other<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do you realize how detrimental this is to your rebuilding and rekindling your relationship with your H?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>but we have also accepted the fact that it is over because we have hurt too many people.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's not over if you are still meeting with, talking to and professing love to one another. So, you're still hurting people, namely your H. I'm not at all surprised that your H is at his wits end.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We figure we will just drift apart as time goes on.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And what is your H supposed to do in the meantime? Oh, AnnieL, this is so naive. I don't know what to begin to tell you except to read everything on this site about ending the affair and to get counseling ASAP! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wish I felt the same intense love for my husband as I do for the OM, but I don't know where such feelings could ever be found.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Feelings aren't found, they are worked on and cultivated. You may have better results if you stop wishing and you start taking positive, assertive steps to making that happen.<P>AnnieL, I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. If you really want to make your marriage work and rekindle and rebuild your relationship with your husband, you must end all contact with the OM. Your marriage doesn't stand a chance while you are still living in the fantasy of the OM. You've got to make up your mind what you are going to do. You are killing your H, and I know you probably don't mean to, but just the same, you are. It's cruel. If you really can't commit to him, then I think you should make up your mind and release him from this hell so that he can find someone who can commit to him.<P>Should you decide to recommit to rebuilding your marriage, there are lots of people here who can give you insight and support in your withdrawal. No, it's not an easy road, but there is help here, if you want it. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Annie, the only way to rebuild your marriage is to cut off COMPLETELY from the OM. Continued contact will never give you the chance to go through withdrawal and you'll never break from the OM and feel love for you H again.<P>He deserves your complete heart and you should love him enough to try. I would know!<P>I also understand how you feel, and would say that's like pulling teeth, but it can be done, and must be done.<P>Counseling might be a good idea, prayer definately is. If you love your H, put him first and think of his feelings. If not, let him go.<P>My prayers are with you<P><BR>Tracy

New woman, just to say that I've reading your posts, and I very much agree with most of what you say. Learning from our mistakes seems easy but sometimes people have trouble with that. You seem to have learned a lot from what happened and I like the open way you talk about it, without trying to defend yourself or overdo it with guilt.I'm glad you're in this forum.<BR>AnnieL, I'm sure you understand that an affair is not over if there's still contact specially if you're still professing love to each other. How can it be? How can you forget this person and work on your marriage if you're keeping the feelings alive?<BR>I understand the diffculty and sympatize with youthis person fulfilled your needs in a way that they might not have been fulfilled by your h, and because of that is so important to you. But, since you seem to have decided not to hurt the other people involved anymore, you have to give your h a chance to fulfill those needs himself. Waiting for the feelings to go away while you're still in touch with the other person will not work I'm afraid. If there were needs your H wasn't fulfilling before,maybe you should talk to him, in a non-threatning manner, and tell him about the things you need, he might be trying but not know what your priorities are. Or , just because of the situation itself,even if he's doing the right things, you feel overwhelmed by them. I remember my H having a problem accepting me fulfilling his needs. Because if he did, he would have to accept that the rest was really over and it was difficult not to cling to it, even though he realized he shouldn't.<BR>COmmunication is very important at this stage, how can your h not feel bad? You say it's over because you realised you're hurting to many people, surely you see that you're still doing it?Give it a good try, not a half-hearted one. Cut all the contact and give your marriage a fair chance. Wishing that it didn't happen doesn't work, because it did and can't be taken back. What might work is concentrate on how you can regain the feeling you once had for your h - which can't be done with another person in the middle, no matter how innocent you think it is.<BR>Like new woman, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to understand that the way you are thinking you'll have a lot of trouble getting somewhere.You're expecting things to go back to what they were without realizing that you have to work for that to happen.<BR>DO take care<BR>Kat<BR>

AnnieL --<P>You should definitely listen to these people! Both new woman and Sad4Now are or were in your shoes (they were the betrayers).<P>In building your marriage back, you want your husband to be patient with you while you forget the OM. You in turn must be patient with him while he attempts to deal with your betrayal. And you're going to have to be understanding if he's not always calm and under control. Believe me when I say this is going to be the toughest time of your marriage.<P>And as the others said - cut off all contact with the OM. I know this is going to be very VERY hard! You think withdrawal is hard now? After 2 or 3 or 4 weeks of no contact, you'll feel like crawling out of your skin! But if you really truly want to save your marriage, you'll have to endure that.<P>I wouldn't even WORRY about building any kind of passion or loving feelings back into your relationship until you both get over the pain and grieving of the affair. Once that is over, building back those feelings will become your top concern and focus. From my experience, it's awfully tough to get any kind of passion going if you're both feeling so sh*tty... I think alot of bad stuff happens when people try too hard.<P>Anyway, get over the OM and let your husband recover from his intense pain. Then you guys will be able to figure out what to do next. Even if you end up divorced, you'll know you at least tried to work things out and the decision came with both of you thinking clearly.<P>--andy

My husband and I are seeing a counselor. The counselor thinks I have already disconnected from my husband. I think so too. I love him as a dear friend...but I feel no passion at all. In fact, I am turned off. I feel ashamed to say that..but my feelings for him have been waning for 5 years. I stayed in this marriage because we have a business together. We were together 24 hours a day and never were away from one another. Now I feel like he is attached to me..and can't function without me. It used to be the other way around. When we first got together, I used to look forward to him coming home. I used to anticipate the sound of his truck coming down the street and pulling into the driveway. I used to think about him alot through the day. That no longer happens. I haven't had to think about him because he was always there close at hand. I don't know if any of this makes sense at all. But things just are not the same and I have tried to tell him this. He won't let go. Says he will die without me. Even with OM gone, I still feel this way about my husband. I still want distance between us...for awhile.

Annie L,<P>I'm wondering what's happening with this now?? I never saw this thread until today and it made me feel just awful. My H went through all the emotions of your H, but the difference was and is that I actually did end the relationship with the OM. It KILLED me when my husband fell to his knees in pain, when he cried out in anguish, when he lost weight in front of my eyes, even when he asked me the most painful questions I've ever had to endure. I'm at the very, very end of withdrawl, even though I have to work with the OM. Even though I was once betryed by my H, I have to say that he is taking things much harder than I ever did. I was just so happy to have him back... even though I never forgot or properly forgave him, at least until now. Your husband is dying inside, and I hope that if you are THAT unhappy that you will give him the space and time he needs to heal. If you REALLY TRULY feel the way you write, it might be time for you to leave H so he can heal. Remember, I am the betrayer, so I'm in no place to judge. I just really feel terrible for both of you.

AnnieL,<P>I can barely post to you because I am the betrayed, and understand exactly how your husband is reacting. Yes he is a wreck, but I would guess it is normal. <P>Your counselor was right, you have disconnected. That is no excuse for an affair or for a divorce. You now know the problem, and you need to find a way to reconnect. You have a responsibility now.<P>End contact by NO CONTACT.<P>

AnnieL--<P>I must stress again. Give yourself and your husband some TIME. Don't even WORRY about your feelings for your husband right now. Concentrate on forgetting about the OM. Concentrate on being open and honest to your husband. Wait out the pain of the affair. You both have plenty of that.<P>Eventually, if you stick to it, you'll both come out on the other side and then start to wonder what next? You've got a huge advantage in that you REMEMBER how you used to feel about your husband. Later on, you can definitely use those memories to help build back the loving feelings again.<P>Just give it some time...<BR>--andy

Glenn,<P>That was very big and honorable of you to apologize to Annie. I hope her H does email you as you and Carol can provide them with some great insight into how to beat this.<P>I bet she will be more receptive with this approach. Again, thanks for showing your true colors! <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.