I am new to this BB, In fact have never posted anything anywhere before and confess to being a little nervous. I have read a lot of the articles and various posts. Like other first posts I warn of being a little long winded. But here goes...

My husband and I (both 34 university educated middle management) have been married 12 years. We have four kids, aged from almost 8 down to 2 and a half. Yes we were busy.

It has been difficult from the outset. I think I only stayed the first year through pride (I did not want people to know I had made a bad choice) and believing I had made a promise before God. Year 1 included my husband giving up work from stress and sinking into a clinical depression, many violent outbursts from my husband including broken doors, furniture, my bible being ripped to shreds and a few punches swung at me.

Things sort of calmed down he got a new job, we bought a house. Yet the verballing did not stop and under stress erupted into physical acts sometimes against me and sometimes against property. I was just about to walk when I found I was pregnant with our first and he treated me like a princess when I was first pregnant.

Over the years things have mellowed a little bit... I think... or have I just gotten used to it. We go through the abuse cycle I guess. If you know what I am talking about then you know what I am talking about. Stability for a while, build up, tension, outburst, back to relative stability and hope for a better future. Sometimes relative stability can last for months at a time.

2 years ago when our youngest was a few months old I asked him to leave because I had had it four littlies to look after which meant less time for attention to him…. Bad scene. After screeching off into the sunset in his 4WD (Aussie for whatever you guys call off road vehicles) he came back saying he wouldn't leave. He agreed to counseling, this again stabilised things but he wouldn’t continue when counselor said it would be beneficial for him to continue alone. Around the same time I had a severe crisis of faith. If you’ve been there you know what it’s like to have been praying and praying but with no seeming answer. Well I was about to give up on everything when Jesus broke through. After 11 years of not feeling God closely in my life it was like wow you are real. This is real you are with me. The only way I can describe it is deliverance he took me through my past. Helped me forgive sexual abuse suffered in my childhood and early adolescence at the hands of my grandfather. It was not intercourse so I had always down played its significance in my life, never told a soul except my husband about 8 years ago and he used it to mock me and level totally unfounded aspersions against my father.

My husband both craves and loathes my relationship with Jesus. He is intensely angry with God for things in his life and insanely jealous. Recently I have felt a major attraction to a very close friend of my husbands (no mutuality and no action on my part). I felt God telling me I should tell my husband but I didn't want to because I feared his reaction. Well my husband came home very worried last week about his health. He was sure he had AIDS very paranoid in the health department. I said the only way you could get that is if you had unprotected sex with someone else; he went onto admit he had visited a prostitute but not for intercourse. I forgave him immediately and although what I told him next might have seemed like tit for tat it was not. The only reason I told him of my attraction for his friend was because God had impressed the necessity of it on me over the last week in my prayer time. At first I thought he took that OK considering any man would die a little…a lot inside if his wife told him that. But as the night wore on he got nasty. Calling me all sorts of things then he got into the alcohol after the kids went to bed. He didn’t touch me physically but he purposefully smashed a half-full beer bottle on the kitchen floor it went everywhere and I had bare feet. While I began cleaning he took my bible outside and doused it with spirits and set it alight, he came inside still leveling verbal abuse then got hold of a can of spray paint and wrote God is a c*** on the wall. Under emotional duress he made me ring some friends to tell them why he was so mad at me. Actually I was happy to oblige because then I knew somebody would know what was going on. I have appreciated their continued support before and since then. He also made me ring his friend to tell him. Well this was all a revelation to his friend all the while my husband was making threats against him in the background if he came anywhere near me. After the calls my husband ripped the phone out of the wall. I kept wishing he would drink enough alcohol to pass out but he didn’t. He watched me clean up the entire mess rub the graffiti with turps and repaint it so the kids wouldn’t see it. Then I said I’m going to bed, which I did. Then for the life of me I don’t know why… I participated whole heartedly in make up sex. Yeah I’m a sorry case. What has happened since last Tuesday? Wednesday he went to work and I felt numb. He came home from work and things were not much better, that night he hit himself so hard he has actually left bruises around his middle and he threatened suicide particularly if I should leave. I told some intimate friends about what had occurred. I have the best friends and mentors, they stand by me and offer prayer, assistance and advice without making me feel like a complete idiot for staying though I am aware that option runs through their thoughts. The poor guy caught in the middle has also been on a slippery slide of emotion and a little fear at my husband’s threats. However my husband has made a most gracious apology to his friend for his behavior acknowledging there was no excuse for his behavior. I know this because my husband showed me the letter he wrote. I was really grateful that he had made the move to confess and reconcile. I wish he would be as nice to me. My husband and I went out to dinner without the kids on Friday night we spent much of the night in serious conversation about how I feel and why he feels the way he feels. He has agreed to seek counseling again. I pray that he sticks at it I pray also for a miracle of change. I have hope because of my God however I have leveled an ultimatum go to counseling or we go (kids and me). I guess most of you will think I am loopy for giving him another chance. Pray that I have the strength to go if I have to. No more chances.

I don’t know what I expect as a response. I am half hoping for someone to say change is possible and half-hoping for what??? Support to go.

Help am I insane.

Dear Hilly Girl,

I like your handle.

I may get interrupted, so I'll post some ideas and come back. I put a recap at the end, due to my inadequately photographic memory.

My style of posting is to raise questions and give ideas and references. Please do not consider my ideas as advice. You are closer to the situation, and if you feel it is time to get out, then go.

I basically post from the standpoint of staying together. One problem with conflict is that it makes marital realtons difficult. You say you might be considered loopy for making up. Actaully, I see it as saving the marriage. When there is conflict there is a greater role for marital relations to play in calming things down, but a greater reluctance to give in under adverse circmstances.

Give your husband a copy of the Love Diet, click below,
The Love Diet for Husbands to Keep wives interested

The books the Intimate Enemy recommends having an action plan when things get out of hand. Sit down with your husband and work out a way to give each other a breather and space, so you can do this witout affronting the other.

There are a number of resources on the web about abuse issues. Do a seach under Emtional Needs and Resloving Conflict for Member No. 26189, jade72. There are a lot of books and web references in her posts.

You might read about Radical Honesty, RH, on this board Articles. I apply radical Honesty by, watching for the flag of a temptation to keep something secret from my spouse. If I such a temptation arises, then I work to avoid doing the act, until I can get POJA, Poicy of Joint Agreement (MB Articles) If there is something in the past that would hurt my wife, I make a jusdgement call, based on a number of factors. If it comes out to keep a secret, then the difficulties of keeping a secret serve to remind me not to get in that position again.

It must be tough trying to stand on the bottom of the world. I hope you can read this from that far away. Must be nice to have a Universtiy education.

There are a number of powerful individuals who post on this board. Sometimes they have slammed Jade 72 or myself for something silly. Don't take slams too hard. Just keep posting and make some small effort to be considerate if someone says something.

So post back, and I have plenty more ideas, when you are ready to direct me to more details.

Recap: 4 chilren 8 to 12, Husband depressive trends, gets agitated, destroys property.

Posting is therapeutic.

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 23, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Thanks Quipper,

I will try and get hold of a copy of the Love Diet Book. I am hoping for a better future but I don't want to stay if abuse continues it is really beginning to affect the kids. He takes it out on them too and I feel horrible attempting to coach them how to behave around him so as not to upset the applecart.
He has said this time he wants to start all over again. Maybe he is there and is ready, I live in hope. I have a vision of what the future could be together. I will not perish for lack of that.

By the way your memory is shocking
its me 34
H 34
D almost 8
D 6
S almost 5
D 2 and half
Dog just went to live on a farm

Hillygirl,

The resolving conflicts forum is a low traffic forum so if you don't get many replies try reposting it in one or more of the other forums. (EN or GQ for example)

In the meantime, welcome to Marriage Builders. Here is an introduction to the forums: Introduction to MB forums