First off let me say sorry, this will be unorganized because I suck on the computer. I found out my W had a monthlong A about two months ago. We are trying to work things out and they are getting better slowly. The problem I have is with her best friend, they started hanging out about a year ago and immediatly I noticed changes in my W. She acts like her friend is a gift from God himself, I liked her at first but thought she was kind of shady. I also think she helped encourage the A and know she helped hide it. She watched our little girl for my W so she could see the other guy, went out with them, and even let them use her house to hook up. I also thought we were friends, but she helped hide this secret from me while she put on this front. I have told my W that I don,t like her hanging out with this girl becuase I don't trust them together, but she got upset and said I was just bashing her friend and none of this is her fault. My friends would have talked me out of anything like this because they care about me AND my W. I'm scared that her friend may try to steer her in the wrong direction or help hide the truth if my W is still seeing this other guy because she likes to start drama in other peoples lives. Am I just paraniod or should I tell my W to stop hanging out with her friend. any advise would be helpful. Also I was wondering if anyone in this site would be willing to corespond by email or IM sometime because I need to vent sometimes and I'll just ramble on making no sense if I do it on here, a friend who has been thruogh this would be helpful too. I think my address is in this thing somewhere.

helpme,

You'll get more advice if you move this to the In Recovery board. This one doesn't get much traffic. Please include information such as what measures you and your W have taken to recover from her A. Are you in counseling? Is she being an open book to you, such as providing access to email and cell phone information? Have the two of your read SAA? Are you spending the recommended amount of time together every week?

I agree that this friend is a negative influence on your marriage. And I hope that there are people on the Recovery board who can give you some good advice on how to deal with her.

I have no clue how to move this

Helpme
If you try to tell her not to hang out with this friend, you can be sure that she will tell her that. If this friend has a negative influence on your W she will probably try to stear her from you if you show that you don't like her.

I would leave the friendship alone ond work on your relationship with your wife.

Can't really move a thread. you can start a new one in a different forum.

Hello,

I would think cutting off the friendship with this woman who encouraged the affair and allowed her to use her home for sex with the OM is the very least your wife can do for you. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed your wife would not tolerate this. Your wife is continuing to humiliate and disrespect by continuing this friendship.
What have been the consequences to her behavior? It seems none since she can hang with this friend who betrayed you, encouraged your wife's affair and allowed her the use of her bed to have sex with the OM. There is an old saying:
"No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change." The very least of her consequences should be for her to cut off the friendship. By her continuing to stay close with this person is really shoving the affair in your face. Ask yourself if she cannot bother herself to cut of this friendship despite the pain it causes you; then why do you think it says about her feelings toward you and your marriage. I think you are foolish to accept this behavior from her and I think you deserve better than this.
I wish you luck.

Ok, "help me", Bryan had some good advice but I went through this crap with my first marriage and I would like to add my crazy two cents. Here is the big kicker: You cannot blame friends for the bad, crappy behavior of your spouse. Period.
If your spouse has a brain at all, (and, scarily it sounds like she doesn't)the decisions were made by her and not her friend, who is the ACCOMPLICE, not the INSTIGATOR. Is your wife that weak? Let's lay the responsibility where it belongs and just put the blame on your spouse. She is being an [censored], a liar and a cheat and that is not respectable or good. I don't give a flip what her reasons are. Can she not handle conflict in a more gracious manner than with lies and deceit? Yes, girls can be bad influences on each other as can guys, but BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER. With so called friends like that, she will always be on the downslide. Just wait until the "friend" she has betrays her! It WILL happen, if you are telling this like it is. She must put it all behind her (and yes, give her a little time to get her act together, Rome wasn't built in a day) and work on your marriage. If not, then save yourself as best you can. I hope for the best for you.

I am the person that everyone is talking about in this post. I thought this website was to help people. Whats really funny is that this doesnt help any. First of all my friends house was never used for sex and she didnt do this. The affair was my fault, not my friends. She stayed out of the whole situation. I take most of the blame for what has happened in my marriage. I know what I did was wrong and that it hurt my husband and I know that it takes time to make things right. I do everything I can so he knows that I love him. If I go anywhere, he knows. We are trying to help our marriage, not end it. It's hard to put your advice in when you don't know the whole story. When he was told about the affair, the person that told him told more lies then truth! This is the first that I have heard of me have sex in her bed.

I have tried to tell him everything that happened and I have tried to answer all of his questions. My friend is the last thing I am worried about right now. We need to work on "us" not her.

I have never had a close friend until I met her, she does not pass judgement on anyone and no one should pass judgement on her. This friend watches our daughter so I can go to school at night. She never even watched my daughter when I was having the affair. She had NOTHING to do with the affair, she didn't influence it and she didn't push me into having an affair. That was my decision alone!

I did not want to type a reply, but I am tired of being dogged and the affair ended the night H found out. No one knows what is in my head. No one knows what I have been thru. I love my H and I don't want him hurting and I am doing everything I can to save my marriage. O and btw I
am not trying to shove the affair in his face by being friends with her! I have never been able to have friends, he has never liked any of my friends.

EDMP

Many people here draw their own conclusions based on their own experiences.
Understand that no one here claims that their advice or opinions are right. Everything is open to your own interprtations.
Most people can give good advice if they have true information to base it on.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When he was told about the affair, the person that told him told more lies then truth! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems that in helpme187's case, the information was inaccurate to start with so advice of othe posters will also be inaccurate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have never been able to have friends, he has never liked any of my friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have found myself jealouse of W's friends because she has more fun with them than with me.
Like you, I have not been able to have friends either. Not because my W didn't like them, but because she didn't like what I did with them(drinking)

It's great that the 2 of you want things to work. Many others are trying alone.
MB is here to help, again, not all advice will be helpfull, but MB concepts are.

Have the 2 of you tried the questionairs?

EDMP

I am curious. You said that you immediately ended the affair when your husband found out. Are you saying you had planned to continue the affair and only ended it because you were caught and fearful of losing your marriage?

Me and my H marriage has been rough for the last year. I felt like he didn't care. We have been together for 10 years now (at age 17), married for 6 and everything changed in the past year. He didn't talk or give me the attention I needed, and the alcohol didn't help either. The OM gave me the attention I had been craving. I ended the affair because I knew what I was doing was wrong and I realized that my H could change and I realized how much he did love me when I thought he didn't. He has stopped drinking and that was the biggest problem with our marriage and I plan on doing anything I can to keep our marriage. At this moment in time, the only thing I am worried about is my H and my daughter. The affair never should have happened and I wish it wouldn't have. Now all I can do is try to help my H thru the pain. I am doing everything that I can to help him.

EDMP

I have read some of your other posts and it is good to hear a couple trying as hard as the 2 of you(Bubble Bath <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I wish the 2 of you the best of luck. Show everyone that MB is here to help and does work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />