Hi, My name is Kelly I am 26 I am married to a guy that I have been with since I was 15 years old. We have 3 children together ages 7,4, and 15 months.
My husband works usually 6 days a week as a fitter (works with building things out of Metal) he is gone from 6 am to about 6pm. I do not work right now I am a stay at home mom, but I do go to college *trying to get through Nursing school) Itis a slow process but I am almost done with all of my pre-req's and then I will have a year and a half of core nursing.

Our problems have reached a point where I am so tired of doing the same things over and over, like having the same fights, or not talking or him pressuring me to get a job. I would love to get a job and have some money for myself, because I am tired of saying to him hey can I have 10 bucks. But when should I work. I am home with kids all day and its not like I sit around doing nothing. I stay very busy and it is emotionally taxing having somebody around that is constantly wanting something from you. I never can even use the bathroom by myself. I feel trapped and imprisoned in my home. The problem is I cant work during the day because I have to get my kids off to school, My 7 year old goes at 7:30 am and my preschooler goes at 10:30 then I have a 15 month old home with me all day. I do not have anyone who could babysit for me regularly and I cant afford daycare. Besised I wouldnt want to work just to pay for daycare that seems to defeat the purpose to me. If I worked afternoons I would never see my oldest 2 kids, and I wouldnt be able to take classes for school either, Usually I go 2 times a week at about 6pm til 9 pm. If I worked midnights I would never get any sleep, and plus my husband leaves for work at 6am I probably wouldnt get home until 7:30am who would watch our kids then. I have tried to find a job were I could work from 7pm -maybe midnight...but noboday has called were I have applied and there goes college time too.
I feel like If he would be a little supportive and realize that in 2 years I would be done with school and have an education that would allow me a good paying job and flexible schedule. He is not supportive, I feel very alone, and like i am paddling up a creak with no paddles and little holes in my boat. I am overwhelmed. He accuses me of doing nothing all day and taking naps all the time PFFFT I wish! There is no respect in our marriage and usually every weekend we get into an arguement about something stupid and then he wont talk to me for days as of today we are going on the 4th day of no talking. I am very lonley and upset. We separated about 4 years ago for 2 years and in that time he paid me no child support but did take the kids every weekend. I honestly feel like I would feel much better on my own but I have an extra child that I didnt have 4 years ago and I have no job now like I did then. I was very self sufficient then , and was proud of mysekf for being able to handle taking care of myslef and kids with out welfare. I am scared now though, I more than anything want to get through school
My biggest complaint about my Husband is that when he drinks he is usless the next day. He will sleep all day or lay around and do nothing. With his schedule and me being here all day with a baby I would like our weekends spent together as a family not him recovering on the couch. I have told him how I feel repeatedly and he doesnt even care anymore. I love him, but I am not in love anymore, I am hurt and fed up. I would be lobely if we got divorced and I would feel bad thinking about if he was lonley. But I am not happy right now. I have changed so much since I was 15 years old, I feel like he hasnt changed at all. I feel like we are so different, our values arent even the same. I dont know what to do. I think I should leave, but then I feel sorry that he will be alone.
Any advice thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated. I do not know what to do.
All I want in a my husband is a freind, and he acts disgusted with me. Like he doesnt even like my personality and who I am. I do not want my kids togrow up and see a crappy marriage like this. I want them to have a chance at healthy marriages.
Thaks in advance for replies I know this is long sorry. Thanks for reading if you made it this far <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ----Kelly

Dear Kelly,
So you get some perspective of where this reply is coming from. I am a 40 year old male who is happily married with 3 beautiful children of my own (6, 3, 16 months).

First I would have to ask you if your husband is a good father and does he show up for your kids. I mean does he participate in their lives on a regular daily basis like a father should?

If the answer is no then I would have to state that he's got himself into a position where he needs to make some changes. From what you've told me it definitely sounds like he is totally unappreciative of what he really has. It may be that he just doesn't care right now for those things that he should care about the most.

Don't deny yourself the option of leaving him just because you're afraid he'll be alone. He doesn't seem to care enough to treat you like you deserve to be treated so don't allow yourself to be abused like you have been abused.

I assume your husband is filled with his own selfish needs and isn't looking at the big picture. He needs to be ACCOUNTABLE for his end of his relationship with you and his responsibilities to his family. If he isn't willing to step up and do what is necessary to cover his duties to the family then he is best left to live his life without the family.

If he feels you do nothing around the house then maybe he can assume some of your responsibilities. After all if it is nothing you do then he shouldn't have any problems doing them.

If you really care for this person and believe you can make a go of it then you have to convince him that things need to change. And when you say change admit to him that you are willing to change somethings too. Whenever you discuss a change that requires compromise always work to find a solution that is a Win-Win situation. Neither of you should have to give up something to get something.

I don't have all the answers but merely wanted to reply to you because it sounds like you deserve better than you're receiving.

I myself am the complete opposite of your husband. My wife is a stay-at-home Mom and I feel she does a lot around the house. Taking care of 3 kids is an extremely and almost improbable duty especially for one person. I help out around the house doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, etc. I don't do as much as I could but I do a fair share. I spend countless hours tending to the needs of my kids and my wife. And I expect nothing in return except their love. I no longer drink because the thought of wasting a day laying around the couch hungover no longer appeals to me. Having a family does that to a lot of people. Just not your hubby I guess.

Continue with your education. It is always good to continue to work to improve ourselves. Your husband should be appreciative of the effort you are making for the benefit of everyone in your household.

Good luck,
Jon

justamom
You sound a lot like my W. I don't think I was as bad as you describe your H but maybe I was.

Reading your post, it sounds like you get a lot of the same thing over and over again.

I sugest you check out divorvebusting.com. There is also a book called Divorce Busting.

The basic concept is to identify patterns and habits that cause problems and avoid them.

Jon
Thank you for replying. As for if he is a good father. I guess my opinion varies. When he is home on the weekends sitting around doingnothing, or if football is on No I would say he isnt a good father. There are plenty of things that would mean a great deal to my kids if there dad would pay attention. Like taking them to a movi or out to visit his grandfather, or playing outside with them. But he doesnt really do anything with the kids.

I do care for him and love him but at the same time I feel ike the kinks should be worked out by now, and he should realize that some type of change needs to occur. But he avoids the situation , never wants to talk, and never puts any effort into finding a solution. I would be happy if he didnt drink, and then lay around the whole next day cause he doesnt feel good. I have told him that. There have been times i have gone out with my friends on maybe a Thursday and had to get up at 6:30 am with my kids to get them off to school. I dont get to lay around all day and I realize that. I guess I am waiting for him to change his bad habits.........

Like for instance. I am broke right now, Have no money, he is a smoker. I bet he will get money for cigarettes but will the thought of milk for the baby even cross his mind....I doubt it.

I do feel sorry for him because I feel like I should help him if he has a problem, But I guess I feel like he should help himself. I would feel guilty if he was alone but at the same time I feel like I deserve a REAL marriage where I am appreciated.
where there is somewhat of a "partner"ship.

Your wife is lucky to have a man that cares about her, and appreciates that raising children isnt easy. I Thank you for replying to my post It does help.

I dont know if I want to be married to him at this point I feel completley allientated and I feel like he is not on my side. I feel like he throws personal things about me or past arguements in my face all the time and I dont know how something that has so many issues can work out. I dont know If I want to be married, & work things out because of all the times we have tried that before. I am only 26 but I feel much older and I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I feel like a piece of Road kill and my husband and kids are vultures just picking away at my carcus. I am so tired, and frustrated and sick of trying.

I guess that is a poor way to be, but that is honest. I feel bad for him, and I feel like there are things that are my fault but I also feel like I have changed several things about myself to suit him and make him happier, and he has changed nothing. I am numb, I dont think making up for another week or two will make the numbness go away. It will take a lot of work, and I dont see him taking the initiative to put forth any effort. I cant do it alone, and I am sick of feeling this way. I want a friend and a "partner"

Thanks for listening , Kelly

Kelly,
I would add that it is easy as an outsider of your situation to make statements like 'Just leave him'. But I know all too well the reality of loving someone and wanting to stick to the committment you made when you stated your vows.

I would ask that you don't allow yourself to be run over as you put it. Take a long hard look at the changes you've made. Did they make any difference at all? Think hard about what is left for you to change about yourself that may help save your marriage. Inform your husband of yoru intentions and ask that he show somes signs of caring by making changes too. Follow through on the changes you identify. Then if nothing changes in your H then I believe you should be able to walk away without feelings of guilt or responsibility. It takes two people to make a marriage. You do your part until there is nothing left to do and if you get no reciprocation than get out.

There are a lot of men out there who are just waiting to worship the ground you walk on and would love nothing more than to show up everyday as a true loving, caring husband and father.

Do you have anyone that can help assist you and/or your husband in this situation? Sometimes a relative or common friend can be just what a marriage needs to work out differences between couples who can't seem to get the ball rolling.

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: MyAlias ]</small>