I am probably writing more to vent and feel like somebody is out there listening but here I am and maybe there will be some help. I have been married 16 years, 2 great daughters 13 and 11, for the most part there is nothing at all for me to complain about. My H has drinking issues and he has more or less tried to address them over the years but I just hate hate hate it that he wants it and craves it as he does.

Is he abusive, unfaithful, drunken, mean, any of the terrible terrible things that happen in marriages when alcohol is present? No. It just makes him STUPID. Just unfocused, not sharp, pulling answers to questions out of the air, not making sense. Not that any one thing would be bad, but if he is drinking it is like he loses IQ points or something. He drinks in the bathroom with the door closed. I hate it.

Last november I really unloaded how I feel and he did better. We went through a lot with this and he really seemed to change. I was stupid enough to believe that it was really over. We moved into a new house in August and I was so happy that THIS house I would not be talking to the closed bathroom door with the light underneath.

Oh, but now he has been, and of course to him it is no big deal and I am making a big deal out of nothing. It makes me feel so resentful and hateful and I hate how b**tchy I become, if I talk about it I feel like the "schoolmarm" and god, I just hate it. Who would find their quality of life to be wonderful drinking beer secretly in a bathroom?

I cannot tell anyone not one soul about this, I feel alcoholism is terribly shameful I am a person who can make changes, who would choose this? He would never attend AA and I have to admit even with my anger I do not believe the 12 step style would be an option.

Okay, I vented there, now I need to know what is the path to forgiveness? How can I talk about this? It is eating me up inside, I also feel stupid.

Juno

Welcome to MB.

Why does your H hide? What is he hiding from?

If he thinks he hiding his drinking from you then he is obviously wrong and I would make him aware of that. It is important that you do your best to avoid becoming "b**tchy ". You don't want ti fight about this.

I have been a drinker for a long time. I used to hide how much I was drinking rather than that I was drinking. I would slip in a few extra drinks when W wasn't looking because she would complain that I was drinking too much.
Dealing with alchoholism when it is at the extent of hiding and drinking alone is something that you should seek proffesional help on.
At the very least, you should seek proffesional help for your self on how to deal with the problem. MB is a great source for support and advice, but some things require a little more.

Coming here to vent is not a problem. As you say, there probably is someone listening
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Juno -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he abusive, unfaithful, drunken, mean, any of the terrible terrible things that happen in marriages when alcohol is present? No. It just makes him STUPID. Just unfocused, not sharp, pulling answers to questions out of the air, not making sense. Not that any one thing would be bad, but if he is drinking it is like he loses IQ points or something. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was my H. Drank. Got Stupid. Passed Out. He sat on the couch night after night and drank. Started going to bed later than me so he could have a few more beers and didn't think I knew or could figure it out.

My H is now in AA and I'm going to Al-Anon. It works. It helps. I'm not angry and *****y any more.

I used to be an enabler to H and his drinking. I used to tell my family and friends "I know H is an alcoholic but at least he's not abusive, mean, etc., etc., etc.". Made excuses for him. H is not mean or abusive, just stupid. I was an enabler.

If someone would have told me months ago that I was a very angry person, I would have laughed and said "Not me!". I look back now and can see that very, very angry person.

Alcoholics are selfish, self-serving and self-centered. They don't care about much of anything except when they can drink again.

I would go to an Al-Anon meeting and at least pick up some material and read it. When I read it, it described my home life perfectly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last november I really unloaded how I feel and he did better. We went through a lot with this and he really seemed to change. I was stupid enough to believe that it was really over. We moved into a new house in August and I was so happy that THIS house I would not be talking to the closed bathroom door with the light underneath. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You believe because you want to believe. I believed. I unloaded so many times and so many times things did get better for a short period of time. I wanted to believe.

Try Al-Anon. Even if your H isn't ready for AA, Al-Anon will help you deal with an alcoholic's behaviour and help you break out of your enabler mode.

IMHO

Good Luck.

SSS

Hello...I just joined this site a few days ago....I wondered who..if anyone I could help besides myself...well...here goes...
My husband is a recovered alcoholic and drug addict for the past 4 years he has been in recovery...I never felt as though I would be able to survive the shame of others knowing his problem...but when it hit the fan and my husbands but landed in rehab and the psych ward...I learned a lot about myself and my children..first and foremost I learned that striving for improvement in our lives could NEVER include hiding a problem..no we do not go shout our problems from the roof tops..but people do know them..and it is okay. You see...most people worth knowing look past the problem and see the recovered human being when the process comes to a maintenance period of recovery...ie:AA or NA. It is very VERY difficult to admit that there is a problem and take the next step...but it is well worth the effort. As his wife you will know that you upheld your end of the bargain by trying to seek out the help your family needs. I suppose I would have to question...if he hides in the bathroom to drink...and that is a sad existance...what sort of existance is that for you and the kids...I mean this in the kindest way..but really think about it. I feel bad for you...you are in a very difficult position...taking a step to remedy it at least for yourself will bring you comfort and strength...Our family now lives with our eyes wide open...we certainly have our problems still...facing them now may take some time...but we do face them...you know what? I just realized..you did take that first step...you admitted to others there was a problem...now maybe this can blossom into utilizing your own community resources. Many cities and/or counties have Alcohol services and counciling...these are great...you DO NOT have to be the alcoholic to participate in counciling. My daughters and I all participated. This became our sanity during a difficult time..we (oddly enough) have some fond memories..anyway...I ramble...Have A wonderful Holiday...and congratulations on the start of your journey to wellness...