I am hoping that by trying to address my feelings and emotions out in the open to people who DON"T know me that I will know whether I am such a bad person or not.
I just recently turned 40. Have been the sole breadwinner in the family for the past 4 years. I have a problem with being honest. About the simplest of things or even about my feelings. My husband is a more open person, wants to know what everyones feelings are wants to know what makes them tick. People find him easy to talk to because he does listen. I have been with him for the past 13 years and we have three children 12, 9, 6. For the past two years he has been in prison. For the past two years I have worked and taken care of the kids, the bills, the cars to the best of my ability. I wrote almost every single day. I would try and be more open to him in those letters than I had ever been in the past face to face. I visted him every week-end. I took the kids in the car for the four hour drive each week end. I was told be people, what he does not know will not hurt him...don't tell him everything that goes on in the day it will just upset him and make him more angry. I guess I should not have listened to these people.
After 20+ years an old boyfriend of about a month tried to get in contact with me. He had heard about me through an ex husband of mine who had gone back to where we had grown up and spread some nasty gossip about me. He was curious and concerend and finally got ahold of me. It started with emails and very friendly. He wanted to apologize for our break up of many years ago. It was unfazed but felt flattered by the thought that someone actually thought of me for that long. We started talking by computer on a regular basis and eventually talked sex. It was easier to do on the computer instead of face to face. If that had been the case I know that I would not have done it. I told him that I was going to have to tell my husband about our communicating and he told me that would not be a good idea (oh and it ended up that he was a prison guard in another state...this bothered me a great deal). We continued on for a while...I was beginning to get uncomfortable with the discussions and usually tried to avoid them or avoid emails that pertained to it. At the same time I had met someone I worked with and we developed what I thought was a flirty friendship. I had invited him over some night when I knew that the kids were going to be out - deep down...I really did not want anything to happen and was glad when he did not get the hint. I think he felt we were just friends and continued to flirt back in forth and once I found out my husband was coming home, voiced some concerns as to whether we could survive...well my husband has been home since July. He found a copy of an instand message that had sexual comments on it one night and he went off...I had not told him about the conversations and tried to explain that there was nothing else going on, that it did not mean anything to me any longer...I also told him about the guy at work...he said he knew all along that I was 'seeing' someone. He says he is not jealous but he always refers back to the fact that I lied about the relationships. I did not sleep with either person (course one was 1200 miles away). I was glad that I didn't but this has built up to a point of distrust with my husband. He acuses me of lieing to him each day when I am not. He says that part of the radical honesty I am supposed to always volunteer information about my day instead of waiting to be asked...but it is the same question day after day...have to talked to so and so what did you talk about-your lieing...I purposly avoid talking to this person and have told my husband this...he says it does not matter about me flirting with him just be honest about it...when I do he throws it back in my face. He is telling me to move out the first of the year...that means leave my children behind and go out on my own to find someone who can deal with me...I am frustrated...for two years I stood by him when people said I should leave him. I did the best I could in my situation...I know that I could have done better and been more honest but I have had times of lack of emotional support from him because he says that I have mentally abused him in the past...
Should I finally give up? But he is telling me to give up my children...he says it is my fault that the family is breaking up because I cannot be honest. Even when I am honest about my feelings or the day he says it is not true...I cannot convince him otherwise. I know it is because of my past history. I don't want pity from people I want honest advice. I do love him but to lose my children and my family is tearing me apart. Does anyone have any suggestions?
