I told my H about my brief affair (if you can call it that)about a month and 1/2 ago. He's done so well and accepting it and rebuilding our marriage. We have been happy and OM has been completely out of the picture. However, H still hurts a lot (understandable) and I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him feel any better! He said I was the one stable thing in his life and now there's just this crack in the foundation that will always be there.<P>I have been honest with him and showed him in many ways my renewed commitment to him, how much I love him and how important he is to me. He worries I will always have feelings for the OM and wonders if I will ever see him again. He never thought I would EVER do something like that. His ex W was a partying barfly, so this hurts him that *I* would be the one to betray him.<P>I love him more than life and there was never any choice to be made, except to wake up and realize "gee...I'm married".<P>I want him to be happy and comfortable with me, and I know he's doing well in accepting it and loves me, but there's a "gap" I can't seem to bridge....suggestions please?<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad4now, things do take time. Infidelity hurts, and people are afraid of being hurt. Only time will help you. You have to continue to be consistently showing your h that you want your marriage to work, and you'll have to help with his self-esteem which probably wil be low at this point.<BR>Keep communcation open and make it one of the priorities in you marriage. Let your h feel free to tell you about what he needs, and to vent if he needs to.Keep his love bank full, and rememeber the small thing that make people feel good and loved, but that are easy to forget when we're worried.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

Time will help, but as a betrayed person, I know how he feels. We are close to eight months past discovery. <P>I have come to see my H's brief kissy face thing as an accident...a curiousity that went too far. I believe he never meant for me to know or for me to be hurt...just a real bad brain time with a bunch of little contributing factors. I do not excuse his behavior...just have come to understand it. Kind of an out of the body experience when you look at the totality of our lives. We are married 17 years.<P>I have forgiven him for the most part. I even trust him.<P>We have used this to grow and learn. I expect more from him and our marriage and I have learned a great deal about myself and both of our needs. So I can honestly say that in most ways our marriage is better than ever. I believe I am a better wife, and he is a better husband. Our marriage is more clearly defined and better tended. Still, I could never say I am glad it happened. It ripped my heart out and it has left some stains.<P>I would have never believed this would happen to us. Never, never, never. I am sure it is a good thing to realize that the only one you can put complete trust in is God, but a residual effect is I may forever question my own judgement. I feel a bit wishy washy because I can never be "certain" of anything again in any area of life. <P>The other lingering issue is the residual hurt, not bitterness or unforgiveness, but plain old hurt that at that particular time my H was capable of this. This hurt has become much less acute and I certainly do not dwell on it or let it determine my actions, but it lessens me...makes me feel insignificant and anything but cherished. Even though my H didn't mean for it to hurt me, obviously not making me or our marriage his priority plain old hurts.<P>Then there is the shame. No one knows, but I feel less honest. My life has always been an open book. Now I feel marked. I hate having this secret. Not that I want to tell, I do not, but I hate having a skeleton in my closet.<P>It sounds like you are doing all you can do and I appreciate that people make mistakes and can be 100% remorseful. My H is, you sound like you are too.<P>Time will help. I began to feel a little more like myself after about 4 1/2 months. I was afraid of my H's feelings for a long time, but I have come to realize he doesn't have any affection for her or even respect...so that no longer is a fear. Plus the benefit is all the work you do on your marriage that will have positive results for the rest of your marriage. I don't know if your H has same issues that create the gap, but maybe understand what they could be and then giving as much reassurance as you can will go a long way.<P>I wish you all the best!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Sad-<P>Your H's story sounds so much like my own. Even when you said that you love him moer than life itself-my H says that to me all the time now. My H was my rock-the only stable sure thing I felt I had too. I also have an ex that was into drugs and booze big time-he wasn't that way when I met him.<BR>As the others have said-it just takes time. I am still very sad that this happened to me and I feel as though it will always be there. But one feeling I have now that I didn't think I would ever feel again is that I know H loves me-and I do believe in time the crack will disappear-I really do!!<BR>Show him you love him-and eman it while you are doing it <P>Best wishes to you both-<P>*heartache*

Thanks everyone...I'm working at this moment on how to fill his LOVE BANK even more...<P>Here's the thing: Before the affair, I was always very service oriented-cooked meals, was very loving and supportive, did many many special things for him, called just to say I loved and respected him, etc. Almost the perfect wife, in some sense. I still do all those things, but now I feel I need to find new ways to fill up his bank.<P>Any ideas are welcome!<P>Thanks<P><P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad use your imagination. Be creative. Surprise him.Do things in a different way than you usually do. Do things together. maybe you can cook together. SHow interest in the things he enjoys. Bring him a book of his favorite author, get tickets to go see something he enjoys even if it's not your favorite thing( naybe you'll start enjoying it too), show him you're happy for being with him, bring him a rose when you come from work, plan a picnic,( I'm not even suggesting "lolita the gipsy queen" it might not be your style ) there's lot of things that might help, and I bet you're probably doing many of them.<BR>The most important thing is being consistent and to help him get back the feeling that he's important to you.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

You may not believe this, but I've done almost all of these things! I send flowers to him regularly at work (I stay home except on weekends), we do Tae Bo together and make a point to do physical exersize together (Im not so fond of it, but he likes it), and as far as "lolita the gypsy queen", we have other roles we like to play I even give him one of those things guys LOVE a couple times a week to send him off to a peaceful sleep! Backrubs, showers together, every tiny bit of my attention (like I always have) but maybe that's the problem. I did those things even when I was seeing the other guy. So I understand why he might be unsure.<P>I will continue to do those things and show him continuity and stability and maybe with time he'll feel more secure.<P>Thanks again<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad I figured you were already doing many of those things. It seems to make sense that it's not helping as much because you were doing it even when the om was in the picture. So it won't make him feel any safer. SO we're back to the begining: time. Time and stability. You're doing all the right things - the problem seems to be that you were doing them even when the affair was on. Time will help. I'm not sure what else you can do, but if I think of something else I'll tell you.<BR>How's the communication between you? Have you tried ask him what can you do to help out? If you didn't maybe it's an idea. Not only he might be able to come up with something we haven't thought yet, but more than that he will now how important that is for you.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

Yes I've talked to him...he's very reserved about his emotions, and tends to tell me that he's fine, even when it really seems to me he's not. When I poke and prod, he will eventually tell me if there really is something bothering him (sometimes yes, sometimes it's my imagination), but for the most part, he keeps it to himself.<P>I think you're right, the problem is I did those things all the time. I'll keep it up though. He does know how much of an effort I've been making, and I did think of ONE thing-I was never very good at cleaning house, so maybe if I kept the place immaculate, he'd see it and think "wow..she really wants me to be happy"<P>Anyway, thanks for all your replies!<P>Tracy<P>P.S. what is Kat short for? I have a daughter named Kathleen and I call her Kat, so I was just curious.<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Hang in there Tracy, things will get better. It's just that it goes slowly for a bit. Hey things didn't get really better with me untill the 7th month, so there you go <BR>You're doing fine, really. Give it some time.<BR>Kat is short for Katya. I used to post with katya until there was some sort of technical problem here in the forum and I couldn't get in, so I had to change it.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

Dear Sad,<BR>I've been in your husband's shoes. You've gotten some good advice. I'm going through a recovery period with my wife who had a six month affair with a co-worker. A counselor told me the wounds of the affair still hurt. I've forgiven my wife and understand why the affair happened. My wife told me during the affair it was never a question of leaving me. She loved me wasn't going to go through life without me. But i wasn't providing certain needs. What's eating me up, is thoughts of her being with someone else while she loved me. It's difficult for the betrayed spouse to accept that the love of his life was with, and kept going back to another person. I'm sure he feels insignificant, lost his self-esteem, not ambitious, and probably moody. You can overcome this by showing and telling him where your commitment lies. My wife is doing that. The only problem is my wife works in the same school w/OM. My marriage will never fully recover while my wife works there with him. I don't suspect you are in the same situation. If you havent done it yet, show your husband that you understand the severity of what you did and reassure him that it can never happen again. Never downplay the affair. On that same note, get through the recovery through counseling. Do whatever it takes to get through each stage of recovery. Make sure you are conpletely honest with him. Don't leave any question marks or anything that will cause you to return to a particular phase of recovery. Once you are past a phase, do not and do not allow him to return to that stage. Always go forward, never backwards. If my wife and I followed our own advice, we would be over her affair. We are both too stuburn. good luck.