I am trying to figure out the best way to live with a step child when I have hardly any say in what goes. I have to constantly watch what I say to her. We have 2 children together and another on the way, and he says that he trusts me with them but not her. I don't think that it wouldn't be as much as a promblem if he was home everyday, but he traveles for 4 days at a time every week. I think that he is so worried that she is going to move back to her mothers if anything is said to her. My problem is that if I try and back off and say nothing, I come off as if I'm moody. Its like there is another wife in the house and I am always put last. My opinion doesn't matter. I can't even ask her to help around the house w/o getting a bad look from either of them. Even though he made the rule up that she would be asked to help around the house. If I don't have her laundry done on time, I get heck and he doesn't even say anything in my defense. I'm clueless on what to do. Any advise?

How old is your SD? I'm sure it's your H's fear that your SD will wish to live with mom instead that is making this so difficult. This will take some time to talk through so be as patient as you can.

If you have little say in raising your SD, particularly with your H being out of town, I think you can gently point out that this arrangement is not working. You will soon have a total of 4 children and the lion's share of managing the household AND children falls to you. If SD is going to be treated differently from the other 3, it will breed resentment for the other children and create a difficult to manage attitude in your SD which may develop into bigger problems in the future as she matures. It is also putting a wedge in your marriage itself.

When talking to your H about the issues, remain as calm as possible. Accept what he has to say as his feelings but do not back down from nicely presenting your feelings as well. Your SD will benefit from your motherly influence more than if your H shields her from chores and learning experiences.

One thing that helps in stepfamily situations...if a child is balking because "that's not the way I have to do it at MOMMY's house," simply say "it is the rule in our house, dear." (after discussing those rules with your H, of course)

Ask your H to present a unified front with you...and if he refuses to work toward agreements on how to handle things in a way that pleases you both, DO let him raise his own D. But what a shame to create an invisible line down your house.

My SD is 12. She will be 13 on May 20th. The baby is due on May 11th and I'll try to have it before than because I know that she resents my other children. I tried to talk to the both of them tonight and I don't think that we got anywhere. He did step in and back me up a few times, and that was nice. She also let us know how much se resents the other children because she thinks that they get away with everything..(they are 3 and 16mths) Thank you for your advise and I will keep in touch.

When H and I got married, I had 2 boys, 11 and 13. He had a boy 12, and a daughter 14. Also he had their 2 half sisters (9 and 7) most weekends, and during the summer. It was a big job, just feeding them all.

But here is what works. You have to develop a relationship with his daughter, just you and her. Of course she is not happy with the situation. All of a sudden she has all of this competition for dad's love - you, your children, and now new baby on the way.

I would start on a campaign to engage her. Make cookies, take her shopping, make jewelry, find some classes - dance, or martial arts. Sports is another good outlet. I know you are very busy with little ones, but you need to shower her with attention and get to be her friend. Otherwise there will be constant friction in your family.

I just got married in November and my kids grew from 2 to 5.
Step-Daughter 21 (disabled)
Step-Daughter 17 (Honor Student/Athletic)
Son - will be 17 soon (Average Student/Athletic)
Daughter - 14 (Average Student but emotionally immature)
Step-Daughter 13 (Average Student and Emotionally matured)

At first, my step daughters didn't want to accept me however, without using words, my actions showed them I love their mother and I want to take care of their mother. Once they saw that, they accepted me as their step-father.

Also, I gave my wife's kids complete access to their mother at all times regardless what we are doing. They saw that and felt secured.

Once feeling secured and loved, they are willing to work with me in any issues as long as their mother backs me up.

Actions = Acceptance

Communication and LISTEN. Step-Children wants to be accepted and loved without conditions.

My wife and I are on the same page in "our" childrens' lives.

Teamwork.
Jim