My Wife came to me the other week and told me that she loves me as a person, that i'm a wonderful man but that she does not feel that passion for me anymore. she says that she never expected to feel this emotionally numb for me. when we kiss she feels nothing for me.

now i know there is an EA going on. and we have talked about it. my question is that with her feeling so numb towards me, so not in love with me, is there hope? Am i fighting a losing battle? I love my wife very much and know that i have made mistakes in the past and i am taking steps to fix those mistakes. but is it too little too late? I'm scared to death of losing her, and what my life would be like without her, but i also don't want her or I to be miserable in a marriage that was once wonderful.

Can we be saved? am I fighting a no win situation? this would be so much easier if i was mad or not in love with my wife. a quote from "The Last Boy Scout" " I wish water wasn't wet i wish the sky wasn't blue and i wish i did not still love my wife. But they are what they are."

Can I ask if there are any children involved?

In reply to your question, most definately love can be restored. Go through the concepts on this site for starters.

no kids. she says she is having feelings for someone else. right now she is in a EA with a coworker. i'm worried that with her having feelings for him that her feelings for me can not come back.

SC909

You absolutly can have hope. You need to crank it up a few notches. You need to run at 100% in letting her how much she means to you. You need to give without getting, you need to keep at it without fail. In time she'll start to see you differently...she'll start to feel for you the way she thinks about you.

The reason I'm so optimistic is that my wife was in your shoes and she loved me back. She's an amazing woman...she showed just how unconditional her love was for me. Today we have an amazing relationship where we can share our true feelings in a safe enviroment.

If you want her...show her...without anything in return. Do all that you can do...win her all over again.

You can do it.

Beemer

Beemer,

thank you for the encouragement. but what about her feelings for this OM? can i over come that?

Time will tell. My wife is dealing with your issues....as I was unfaithful to her. All that I can say is that I found a new love for my wife. I love her more today than I ever thought possible. I know the OW was the biggest mistake of my life and if I could take it back I would. Today I just try to show my wife in real ways hom much I love her.

Good Luck,

Beemer

SC909, I'm going through the exact thing you are. We've been married for 18 years, we have to great kids and I've never cheated on my wife.

On Dec 17th she told me she had no feeling for me. Packed up and left. She's been living with her girlfriend has come back for a couple of days here and a couple of days there to see the kids. We've talked alot. But in the last month I've seen no change.

I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and help her back to loving me. Though I cann't see that she wants too, and I know that she isn't trying.

I've read everything on this website. I can see where we've gone wrong. But how can one person get the other to even try. I love my wife with all my heart. I'm trying to help her through this for us and our children. But she doen't seem to want to meet me halfway. All I can do is keep trying.

Keep a Smile on your Face!
Al635

I'm sorry for jumping in here. This is my first time on the site and am at a point in my marriage close to yours. I have done almost everything wrong I feel in my marriage, to the point that my wife has taken a lover. When I approched her about it she started crying and wanted to know what I was going to do. MY answer was "find someone else", which was my anger speaking. She has made comments such as "who said I was ending it", "why can't we have seperate lives" "I could handle you a couple of hours a day". Well enough, its bad here. She is still in contact with him, as a matter of fact I took the kids bowling and checked the phone when I came home tonight and his number is on it. She was short with me as we passed, she going to her mothers to eat and me returning with the kids. She doesn't want to talk about it and has said that she doesn't know how long the contact will last as it is something she just can't do as a person. Her main request is that I get a life and start spending time away by myself. Yes I'm a home body. She doesn't know how she feels, but has not said why she wants me to stay. This by the way has been going on while we are buying a house. She has lied to me about remaining in contact, the length of the affair, (she said only a couple of months but after checking it has been at least six and I feel even longer)and only when confronted does she admit it. To protect myself I'm trying to accept that she will go back to him when possible and have even made arrangements to be out of town with the kids in a few weeks. My questions. Should I just start thinking about me and what I want while still trying to win here back or use the 180 method. The other think to consider is that she has made attempts to re assure me where she is but I feel she thinks this is me trying to control her so I've told her not to do it anymore. The info I've gained is from reading her SMS on her mobile. I'm going to buy her a new one as a sign of faith or uninterest, I'm not sure which. Man this sucks (sorry for the language by as you probably know ensomnia is taking its toll).

Hi

I am also going thru pretty much exactly the same situation as SC909. I hav had one counselling session and was told to love her with all my heart and soul even if i rec'd nothing in return, this is the deepest love anyone can give. the H can not fix it for the W but can be a positive influence only. I do have 2 kids. My W is also talking to a coworker, male. I had no idea how much hurt my silence had caused for her, I also have changed immensely, no affairs going on with either one of us as far as i am aware. Her love has vanished, and she dos not know if she wants to be together any longer. I can totally feel for you sc909. I pray a lot and am working on improving my relationship with God. without God i would completely lost.
Keep praying and try to be strong, even though this is a very difficult time for all of us.

Daryl

What if she has stated she doesn't what affection or attention???????????

Hi campsoup

If she doesn't want any affection has she asked you to leave the home? Do you have kids? Be a great parent to them even though that is hard at this time. this is what i am trying to do. my wife accepts some affection but i try to balance it with giving her space , time, freedom. t this point my wife has not asked me to leave so i am staying and trying to show her the changes that i have made.

Daryl

She has made statements about moving out and not doing it over any man, that if we had been in the new house by now she thought it would be a good ID. Two girls, 8 & 5, I feel they are feeling the effect of our unhappiness. And no my wife has given me no indication of wanting any affection from me. We just started saying "good bye" or "see you later" when one of leaves the house. What I would give to sleep eight + hours like she does, yes this eats at me too.

campsoup

campsoup

my wife also does not want affection but allows me to kiss her cheek, or say something nice to her , or occasionally at the appropriate time hold her hand for a bit, but she doesn't feel much when i do these things, she just allows to to do it. she is also wondering if we should be apart for a while. she starts counselling on friday and hopes to get some answers thru this, i hope she does as well. I am also going to couselling and have had 1 session so far. I think my wife needs to find out who she is? where she wants to be? and does it include me in the picture? I think she does have love for me somewhere but will she find it? I sit and wait, like you. I also have 2 kids, boy and girl, 8 and 6 yrs old. I think they are also feeling the lack of love in the house and the fact that we don't do much socializing except for what we have to do as we both don't feel like being around people right now. Best wishes and I hope God will provide answers for all of us.

Daryl

Do not sit back and wait for your spouse to find out who they are and what they want. Discover what has changed in your marriage and work on bringing it back again. What is missing from the days of courting eachother. Take the challange and step up. The Book His needs her needs by Willard F. Harley helped me become a better husband and as the book would point out...The love bank system works. I now have overdraft protection. you should be able to get more information on the book at this very web site. Good Luck Spouses!

Herneeds04 -
I'm in a similar boat at this fellow. Wife of 16 years, w/boys 7 & 9, is Icy, and angry. She's very angry, resents ALL the males in her family. Claims to love the boys but they are very frightened by her actions. I'm a christian and have resolved myself that I'll humble myself and be the best person I can be, not engage in any Love Busters I can help (I Snore). I'm uncomfortable fighting a 'rear gaurd action' What type of actions are you refering to? She's very resistant to any help, atention.
Thanks for your time, I am putting in the effort as well.
Mike P

Hi All:

I am trying to love my W with all my heart even though there is no love in return right now. Patience is key and to show her the changes I have made in the past 4 weeks.

Are there any woman out there that fell out of love and regained it? What is your story? How did it happen for you? What was going on in your mind? Did you resolve it thru counselling? any info you have woman would be helpful.

Keep praying.

Daryl

You might want to read "What Does She Want From Me Anyway?" by Holly Faith Phillips. I thought it was a really good book and wish my husband would read it. I recently read "When Love Dies, How To Save a Hopeless Marriage." It is written by a woman from the woman's point of view, but it might be helpful nevertheless.

I've often wondered about this myself. I am the Wife, I am 44 and been together for 20'some years, I have had some EA's. Not currently in one right now though. H has had numerous A's.
I am numb. I am icy, cold and resentful. I hate my H and I'm teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Am I starting my journey through menopause, where a woman's hormones go wild? Or am I so tired of all my H's disrepect(and he maintains he respects me)...that I no longer care?

I don't know the answers, I've question myself a hundred times to no avail. I've been in IC and MC. I want to restore our love, but seem unable to do so. I'm beginning to think I have some sort of chemical imbalance and plan to ask about it at my next GYN's visit.

I wish you guys luck with your Wive's. I posted here today, because some of your stories sounded like my life, maybe by telling you all how I feel will help you to understand.

Where to begin?! It's amazing how one day you can just wake up and fall out of love with your H or spouse. I think unconditional love and acceptance is what was missing in my M and led me to fall for a coworker and an EA. For any of you men out there that know their W is interested in a co-worker - take action quickly! It's sad how much time and attention we spend at work and how vulnerable that makes us. Try to find ways to spend quality time together, compliment your W whenever you can, be spontaneous - take her to lunch, send her flowers, write a note, do something with her that she loves to do. I too am the cold, difficult W that wants to find love in my marriage again if only I could heal the wounds. Even if your W doesn't like kisses, hugs, or signs of affection, there has to be something she likes that maybe you don't do (foot massages, back rubs, warm baths, long evening walks, love letters, date nights) get creative and stay involved in some sort of activity together that you both enjoy. GOOD LUCK!

I have the same problem, wife says she no longer is in love with me. I was guilty of many LBs and of not meeting her emotional needs. Fortunately, she did not have an affair. She just came to believe that I was looking elsewhere for love. (Not the case) But, she left unnanounced. I cannot show her that I have changed, and want to meet her needs and stop the LBs. I have read HNHN and LB, and agree wholeheartedly with the basic principles. Not nice to know I was an abusive (mentally) hubby. She will not spend enough time with me to allow me to prove anything to her. I guess I will wait and see, and continue to love her with all my heart and soul. Maybe, in time, she will realize that our marriage is worth trying to save. I can only pray that she does.
Unrequited love is the deepest kind? Then why does it hurt so much?

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: Itsmylife ]</small>