Hi,
Thanks for reading this. This is my first time here although I'm familiar with the site. I'll try to be brief - I've been in a relationship with a lady since Easter 2002. I'm 41 and she's 37. We got engaged at the beginning of October 2002 but then between Christmas and New Year 2002 she broke it off and i was devastated. She said that everything was getting on top of her, small house (her own), kids, job and me. The easiest thing to get rid of to relieve the pressure was me. After about 3 months during which time there were mail conversations and the occassional face to face, we agreed to try again in April 2003.
I moved in with her in July and everything was great until around the same time in 2003. i was nervous after last year, she made me aware that she doesn't like the Christmas season and i tried to make allowances for her behaviour. Same as the year before, she gradually withdrew from me, affection had to be asked for, our sex life took a dive and proper conversations were rare. She only seemed interested in doing jigsaw puzzles and when i asked, she said she needed time and space during this period and jigsaws were her way of relaxing. This was strange as previously, her favourite passtime was relaxing in my arms on the sofa whilst watching TV. So I made arrangements to be out of the house a couple of times a week and at weekends when we didn't have the kids in an effort to give her this time and space.
After a couple of weeks like this, things came to a head. We had a big talk whilst I had my bags packed on the bed and ready to go. I explained that I could appreciate her need for space and made plans to be out of the house more often during the weekdays and at weekends when we didn't have the children (her two lives with us, my daughter stayed on alternate weekends). But then i said that OK, I am meeting your emotional needs, but surely mine deserve some attention too? I explained that I did not want grand gestures, just a hug, a kiss and a few affectionate words now and again to make me feel valued. I also said to her that I think it would be a good idea to get some councelling to get to the root cause of why this happens to her. i suspected S.A.D as she is from a warm climate with approx 12 hours daylight all year around (Spain) and the UK is nothing like that. I printed stuff from the web but she wasn't interested. After our talk, she agreed that she didn't want to lose me and that she would try.
Imagine my surprise then on the next evening when i returned to the house to find her just as cold - nothing. She went to bed early with only a "goodnight" whilst standing in the doorway. That was it for me, I explained (shouting) that what we talked about last night obviously meant nothing to her and we'd best forget it. I slept on the sofa and packed some things and left at 6am the next morning.
Subsequent emails have showed me that she needs time and space and that she has lost faith in me because i ran instead of staying to support her - that's my "taker" reacting. But, her taker is doing the same.
Now, 2 weeks later, she has said that it is all over, wants to be on her own and get on. She has had a troubled childhood where she was physically and mentally (not sexually) abused by her mother and I'm sure that this is affecting her. I've pointed this out, urged her to seek professional help and given her the address of the marriagbuilders website, but she doesn't want to know. She just hides in her shell and says she'll work it out on her own. Seems to me like this won't work as she did exactly the same last year.
I'm completely at a loss as to what to do. I love her, I love her kids, I respect her and want to be with her, but when she is asking for space and no contact, I just don't know what steps to take. I know that if I chase she'll run further, but I want to help. Any advice dear people?
