Hello everybody. I have a large problem I need some advice with. First, some info on me. I am a male, married almost 4 years, together for 7, no children (yet).
About 5 years ago my wife found out that I had been looking at pornography online. At first, I lied about ever looking in the first place, but then I came clean and told her I was curious and did not think it was a big deal. After many weeks of discussion, we worked many things out. Although our sex life not the best, all the time up until now has been the best, we were best of friends, I never looked for it again. Within the last few weeks I started looking at it again and kept some pictures in a folder on the computer. Once again, she found it. And once again I tried to cover it up. After a night of staying at my parents house to think about it, I decided that being honest is the right thing to do. I told her that I recently started looking again. I thought that it could help our sex life. I did not think it was harmful. I was very wrong. I lied to my better half, I was dishonest to my better half - again. As ashamed and as sorry as I am, It is nothing compared to how my wife feels. She feels so rejected, angry, and so low. I have always told her how beautiful and desireable she is, but I dont think she believes me, definately not now. I don't know what to do at this point. She tells me now that eventually she will get over it, but I don't feel so sure. She barely talks to me. Even when we do have a few hours where we are talking nicely, or holding hands, etc..., she manages to slip in a comment that ruins both our moods. I have asked her that maybe we could talk to a professional about it, but she says its "my problem and maybe a doctor can make you have sex with me". I vowed to myself and her to not do anything like that again. I know I have completely lost her trust. I am at wits end. This woman is my life and I would do anything for us. I should have thought of that before. We both love each other very much and aside from this issue, everything else in our lives is perfect. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Hi hipkid...welcome to MB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have asked her that maybe we could talk to a professional about it, but she says its "my problem and maybe a doctor can make you have sex with me".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your porn use have any effect on the amount of sex you offer your wife? Do you initiate less? The quote above makes me think that SHE feels she's not getting as much or as good of sex when you are looking at porn.
Does porn/masturbation replace sex with your wife at all?

Most women feel very insecure when their husband looks at porn. We feel like you are comparing us and want someone thinner, more beautiful, with bigger boobs, more adventurous and naughty, etc. We feel like we are not doing enough to satisfy you sexually.

Personally, I allow my fiance to look at porn. I sometimes look at it with him, too. But, even then, I still face feelings of inadequacy at times. He gives me more sex than I can handle, so it's not like porn is taking away from my SF. If it ever did, I'd have a problem with it. But, it doesn't matter what me or any other women think or do...you have an obligation to your marriage and finding what works for you and YOUR wife.

The lying MUST stop. You are killing the trust in your relationship and that is so difficult to repair. DO NOT LIE TO YOUR WIFE! Rather than pretend like she doesn't have a good enough reason for you to stop using porn, why don't you find out what her reasons are? Do you even know? Do you know what about it bothers her? Does she even know what about it bothers her? Respect her feelings. It sounds like porn might be a deal breaker for her. If you are willing to do anything for this marriage, you need to be prepared to stop looking at porn. Ideally, that deal breaker should have been discussed before marriage so that you could have decided if you wanted to marry someone who didn't allow porn (would you have married her, anway?). But, even then she is allowed to change her mind about things she cannot live with...about what hurts her.
What's more important to you? Her feelings or pornography? How much do you look at porn? If it is often and you keep finding yourself looking at it despite wanting to stop for her benefit, then you should consider that you might have an addiction to it. Run a search in the different forums for "sexual addiction" or "porn addiction". Run a search for "porn" and read the threads that discuss this topic at many different levels.
Make sure you read the basic concepts on this web site (look at the top of the page under "Marriage Builders" and click on "Concepts".
There is so much valuable information in this web site and also wonderful people in the forums to discuss the concepts with.
The last thing I'd like to suggest (after reading the concepts and maybe some other porn threads) is to post in the EN forum which gets much more activity.

It's great that you have found Marriage Builders and are ready to start fixing your marriage. Expect to make changes to YOUR behavior and thoughts...not hers.

Take care,
Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After many weeks of discussion, we worked many things out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Btw, what exactly does this mean? What did you decide? What did you discover about each other? Why didn't you stick to the decision?

Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SmileADay:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After many weeks of discussion, we worked many things out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Btw, what exactly does this mean? What did you decide? What did you discover about each other? Why didn't you stick to the decision?

Smile </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your reply. I truly appreciate it. I can't tell you enough how well you hit the nail on the head. I felt like I was talking to her.
To answer your question, We decided that this would not happen again and that it would take a long time to work this out. I found out that she does not appreciate my behavior at all and it is at the top of her list of no-no's. She discovered that I do not like to have sex as often as she does. We (I) stuck to what we talked about for a few years. I thought that this time around, I could get away with it. Of course, that is wrong. I know that the lies are the worst for her. I can't be ashamed enough. I do not look at porn often at all. Those few times that I talked about earlier are it. I should have reiminded myself what I was doing before doing it! Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
You are right with the deal breaker. I know I need to respect her and our relationship. I am confident that we will work things out, but I am very impatient and worried about this. Right now, she barely talks to me. And when she does, she tries to make me feel as bad as she does (which I deserve). It seems that we can not have any constructive discussion right now. Thanks again.

BTW, what is the EN Forum?

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: hipkid33 ]</small>

Hi again...
Honestly, if my own SF (sexual fulfillment) needs were not being met and my guy looked at porn, I would have real issues. I would feel incredibly inadequate. I would be hurt and wonder what is wrong with ME. The fact that I cannot keep up with his high sex drive (he'd love sex multiple times a day) makes it a lot easier for me to deal with him looking at porn once a week or when we go several days without it.

So, why aren't you able to have sex at the frequency she wants it? Are you not attracted to her? Does she do things you don't enjoy? Are her expectations too high? Do you feel like you aren't satisfying her because she does not orgasm?
What are YOU feeling? Why do you look at porn when you've got a willing and able partner?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shoulda, coulda, woulda.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are still married, right? Then don't worry about shoulda, coulda, woulda, and do what it takes to repair the trust (no more lies AND be open...no witholding information).
The next time you find the urge to look at porn, stop and write down your feelings. Really try to discover why you need to look at it. Is your wife not around when you are most horny? Why not save that sexual energy for her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
It won't kill you to wait a few hours, will it? Does she go on long trips where you have to go too long without sex and so you need the release?
Basically, I don't understand why you look at porn if she is the one not getting enough sex? You are denying her both her needs and the opportunity to share the intimacy and love.
Again, WHY do YOU look at porn?

I hope I'm not coming across as too in your face? I'm just hoping to get you thinking about this on a deeper level so that you can discover what the root of the problem is.

Btw, EN stands for emotional needs. You should read the basic concepts so that you can better understand the responses you get. Check out the Emotional Needs forum after reading the basic concepts.

Smile

Just found this site a week ago.I have ordered SAA but have not yet received it, so I may be out of my element here.I have found the discussions very helpful, a lot has rung true. I do want to address the pornography issue from a wife's point of view. I discovered my H had an EA on Oct 15/03. He would have gone on to a PA except that it was all a con game by OW. This OW is a stripper.I don't have all the details, but have discovered H was frequenting the bar she worked at and was paying her to dance with him. From the entries in the bankbook he usesd debit to pay for 38 dances over 3 months- I have no clue how many he paid for in cash.Anyway, she led him to believe she was interested in him, but also blackmailed him by saying she would call me and let me know "what he liked" She appararently wanted $10,000 but settled on a 2 week vacation for her and a friend to Jamaica. That is where I got definite proof- I found the airline conformation and Western Union receipts that he sent her money while she was there.Apparently he gave her money other times too- just how much he won't tell, other than "lots". In the week before she left he booked two different hotel rooms- but he said she called and said she couldn't make it the first time and the second time he couldn't get hold of her after her registered- they were supposed to meet there.I still don't know why she didn't show that day- can't get an answer. Anyway, my point is, WHY would he still be willing to sleep with her after the way she treated him????? He said she was very controlling, making him do things or else she would call me.My only explaination is that she must have some body. After all she is a stripper and 20 years younger.
Wher am I going with all this? We have been married 31 years and throughout our marriage I have known he had porn magazines and movies, but discreet about it. I was not happy about it but never said anything to him about it--one of the problems I now see- that I kept my feelings to myself and never told him how I felt, if I had then maybe I would have understood his need for this stuff, orhe would have understood my feelings and gave them up. At the time I considered it "disrespectful" and was hurt that he turned to magazines instead of me. Now I consider it cheating on me. The fact that someone other than me could excite and arouse himbothers me a lot. I asked him if it was okay for me to get turned on by another man and got no reply- I hope that means he is thinking it over and can see this from my point of view.
As far as this A, I think that if we had addressed this problem he wouldn't have gone out looking for his own personal "playboy" girl or "porn star" .
I have come to realize that my avoidance "allowed"him to take the next step with her.