I will say up front I am not innocent in my actions and words and I am working on changing my patterns that i have let control me for pretty much my adult life.
My husband and I are both 39 we have 8 kids. He brougth 4 to the marriage and I the same. We have been married 3 years. Iwas married previously to a much much older man and he to a much much younger woman. First time having mate the same age. (we think this may be part of our problem) We argue like kids. I hate it and as I said earlier am working on change. I am getting frusterated because when we argue or even just discuss something to work it out he will almost 90% of the time say something hurtful and when I say honey please dont say that or you do not have to use that tone..he bounces back with well youve talked like that to me before...or well you have yelled like that before...you can act that way but i cant?....everything becomes a YOU thing and the main issue is swept away and how terrible I am becomes the argument. My shortcomings become the focus and I am left feeling an inch high and the original problem is still there and I become afraid to say anything further on it because it will become a You thing yet again. Its like an easy way for him to avoid what is happening at that moment. I feel as though he is internally gaining some kind of macho bronze star by shifting everything to me. That I am all the fault. When he does this I say "If I am doing that please let me know right when it happens and not wait until we are arguing over something totally different to bring it to light" he then comes back with well you dont do that or you dont have to do it and I do? I often feel like I am across from a 6 year old and not my husband. It is constant. There are times when I just want to be heard and not get the blaming rehtoric back full force but it seems like he wants to belittle me. I need something to stop this in its tracks and I know it has to begin with me. I hope I made sense as this is a hard one to describe on "virtual paper"

When I look at your situation I wonder who will be the first one to realize that its not a you thing its a we thing.I often wonder what are we willig to sacrifice for love sakes Jesus was willing to put it all on the line even when we reject his love he's willing to go step futher just for the sake of love.Pointing the finger is very easy we've been doing it since the begining of time truth is it begins with me it comes down to how can I make you understand when you say certain things it hurts me how can make you understand that this is the way I feel and I am responsible for the way I feel but are you tender enough to understand what I'm feeling.

Yes, it takes two to fight. Someone is going to have to be the mature one in this relationship. I vote for you since you realize there is a problem.
Please read about Emotional Needs and Lovebusters in this web site. Start changing how you react. Don't try to change him. Work on yourself.

Take care,
Smile