Hello, I am a 36 year-old married man with four children. I have just admitted to myself and my wife of 13 years that I have a sexual addiction. One that has been building over the last few years to the point self destruction. I recently made the mistake of stepping outside the marriage for a sexual encounter and admitted this to her as well. I feel as if I have hit bottom and want to rebuild mine and our life as well as the unconditional trust that was one there. The last days have been extremely emotional for me with me breaking down essentially at the site of her. She has been wonderful and understanding, however I worry that she is being too strong and not allowing herself to be angry, sad etc... because she is being strong for me. I realize that it is me that has the problem and the most work ahead, however I want to be able to help or direct her to also learn how to feel and heal over this whole situation. We were very happy to discover the Marriage Builders web site and have ordered some of the books as a starting point. I was hoping there might be someone out there that may have some wisdom about where we currently are at and what are some of the intial steps towards healing and recovery. We love each other dearly and are both commited to rebuilding whatever may have been broken by my indescretion and past addictions. Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you will have your wife post here too. Sexual addiction needs to be treated by a professional. Please get some counseling.

In the meantime, if your wife can find the courage to post here, we will support her. It is devastating to a BS, but there is hope that marriage can be restored, and be better than ever.

You need to quickly get some professional counseling for the sexual addiction. It is probably related to your childhood. However you are still responsible for getting some help.

Hello, I am the wife. All I can feel is disbelief that this has happened to us. I completely trusted my husband and admired his sense of integretity. How do I help myself feel angry and sad because he has betrayed me. Instead all I can feel is numb. I want to release these emotions so we can begin rebuilding our marriage. Or maybe it is in the rebuilding that I will be able to release my feelings? How do I help myself feel the anger and sadness I think I should be feeling now?

Hi, my name is Ann and I am 42, and I've been married to my husband for 19 years. I told my husband almost a year and a half ago that I had an affair. My affair wasn't a typical affair that I normally hear of...I didn't have sex with him and I only met him one time. I had met the man on the internet, we talked for months online, emailing, etc. and began a friendship where I was able to share everything with this man about my life and my needs. I had been emotionally unattached from my husband over the last several years. My husband and I have four daughters, and they do not know about my affair. I decided to meet the man I had been responding to via the internet, and there was no sexual encounter, just some hugging and a few kisses, holding hands, and talking. We met in a park. I told the man how guilty I felt for meeting him and told him that I didn't want to meet him again. I have not spoken to him since. He's tried emailing me, but I ended up closing the account, as to stay away from him. I opened up to my husband completely about this whole mess I was in, and until this day, he is uncertain whether he will ever be able to forgive me. We've gone to a Christian counselor, which seemed to aggravate the problem even more. Bringing up the hurt was painful I felt the counselor was trying to bring out the past of our marriage, and she tried to find where it went wrong. I do think my husband didn't want to admit that I wasn't the only one to blame for my feelings of infedelity. He is somewhat a cold man, not a very affectionate person.
We are now counseling with our pastor, where we are members of. Although both my husband and I admit we do love each other and want to stay together, my husband is truly having difficulty in forgiving me and finding out how to fall back in love with me again. HELP...I am really scared that he will leave me, and all this mess was brought on by my stupidity...my marriage had been on the verge of many breakups in the past, due to my husbands lack of emotional love, attention and affection. He is a workaholic, and doesn't spend a lot of time with me. What can I do as the betrayer, to help my husband who is numb and whose heart is broken to heal? Anyone have any advice? Thank you!

minniciple and anotherchance -

I read both of your post and I feel so terrible for you both.

I am a BS as well. I am glad that you came to this site for help. You will find a great deal of comfort from the other memebers.

Please read the articles, get some counseling...maybe call Dr. Harley.

I can tell you from experience that time heals all wounds. I do not feel as bad today as I did 3 months ago. The pain doesn't go away. If your WS is willing to work with you and show remorse you are on a path to recovery and will soon find yourself happier then you could imagine.

The memories won't go away and there will be triggers from time to time. It was expressed to me in a "rearview mirror" theory...as you drive the thing in the mirror gets smaller and smaller. It doesn't disappear but it's not on your bumper anymore.

Good luck.

Hi minnicple and anotherchance,

Both of you might want to post down below on the General Questions(GQII) or Just Found Out message boards.The GQII board in particular get much more traffic then this one and you are both dealing with Infidelity which also is dealt with more frequently there then here.

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Hello all, I think I did thei wrong but I feel I have to get the knowledge out there anyway. I habe been married going on 7 years and have two wonderful kids. In the past year my life has been all distorted due to several factors. first i steppedout side my marriage leaving my spouse completely destroyed. Second I am currently deployed in the war on terrorism and there is nothing I can do from a far and distant land. Due to outside forces all of the information was discovered thus leaving my spouse wanting to completely walk away from the marriage. I have admitted that I messed up, but convincing her that I am on the path to repair my mistakes is where I am having the problem. Third I am frustrated with myself for letting my emotions get in the way of my smart thinking. So in closing, what can I do to help start the healing and the repair of what was once ( I still think it can be ) a wonderful marraige. Once again this is the result of my wrong doings. L5844