I am a young newlywed. My husband is 23 and I'm 21 we are both still in college. I moved here a couple of years ago and we started dating shortly after that. He has well established family and friends here and when I moved here I didn't know anyone. Before we met he hardly ever dated seriosly and he mostly hung out with his male friends. They were all inseperable. I never really had the opportunity to make close friends here because I met him and we started to do everything together. So I didn't nurture other realationships much. Now that we are married I feel as if I have no one but him here. Usually he and I spend most of our leisure time together and we really enjoy it. Everything seems so much better when we are together. Occasionsally his friends call him up to do something that only involves the guys. None of them are married or have serious relationships so they don't think of involving any girls. So it bothers me when he goes. I feel as if I am left out. We havn't met any other couples that we could both hang out with and when we do hang out with anyone it's usually his friends. I know that he wants to spend time with his friends and I don't want to be controlling but I wish that he could choose events that we could both enjoy. This is an issue that has come up several times. He thinks that I just want him to forget about his friends. And I only want him to be a little understanding.

Hi newlywed...welcome to MB.
There's great information in this site that can help your marriage. Read about Emotional Needs and Lovebusters.
Also read about POJA...this is the Policy of Joint Agreement which states that neither you nor your husband should do anything without enthusiastic agreement from the other. Most issues are not simply black and white. You two should talk about this and find something that you are both happy with. He needs to respect your feelings.

On the other hand, I used to feel the same way that you do, but no longer do. My fiance and I lived apart for a year and during that year, I discovered hobbies that I can do alone. I like to paint, watch chick flicks on occasion, go out with girlfriends (I didn't have girlfriends when we lived apart, but once I moved to be with him, I met more people through work and classes), go for a run, call up family, etc. We are together so much now (which is fantastic) that I rarely get the opportunity to enjoy those other hobbies. So, when he has to leave town on business or wants to go out with friends, I actually look forward to the quiet time to do those things I don't get around to when we're always together.
Right now, he's gone for two weeks and I'm working on a painting. I miss him terribly, but I also look forward to going home and painting. It's just something I never get enough down time to do when we're always together...and I prefer to be alone when I paint.

I am totally supportive of him getting away for some guy time. I can have some girl time, do some of my solo hobbies, or even get to bed early! Yippee!
Basically, I've found ways to occupy myself so that I'm not lonely when he cannot be around or would rather hang out with his buddies (I feel and appear less dependent) . I go with him most of the time and know most of his friends so maybe that helps me trust that there's nothing horrible going on. Maybe that could be a part of your POJA...to go along a couple of times. Rather than asking to go to a guy's night out, why not invite the guys to your place to watch a basketball game, the World Series, football...whatever rocks their boat. You can help your husband host the party, get to know his friends and probably meet some girls (have them invite some ladies along).

I personally do not think it is healthy to rely completely on your spouse for your happiness. YOU need to be in charge of your happiness. What is keeping you from meeting other women in your area? Do you not meet people through class? Reach out a little. Make some friends. Be careful that you do not put too much pressure on your husband to create and sustain your happiness...that can be exhausting and can be a lovebuster.

Btw, how often does he go out with his buddies? If it is frequently, rather than making him feel guilty for going out with his buddies, give him a goooood reason to stay home with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Come up with a plan that is just too appetizing that he'd rather not hang out with the single boys. But, also remember that he is young. It's natural to want to hang out with other guys. You two took a big risk getting married so young. You will both change a lot in the coming 5 years or more. Realize the challenges you will face, be open and honest, use the MB principles and you will surely increase your odds for success!

Sorry for the long post. I could really identify with what you are feeling...I hope I helped a little.
Best wishes,
Smile

newlywed2123

Welcome to MB

Smile is right, there is lots of great information here. And POJA is very important.

The Policy of Joint Agreement

I also recomend that you read His Needs Her Needs. If your H is interested, let him read it too. Or you can read it together. There is a lot that the 2 of you can learn from this book.

Anyone here can tell you that it is a great book and is right on the money!

Chapter 6 is specifically about recreational companionship

Recreational Companionship

Of course all of the other EN in the book are important, This one in particular will probably mean the most to you right now.

I also think that it is important for you to involve him in things of your interest. Get involved with something where you can meet other people and other couples and include him.