Well, i finally had the courage to write something (I've been lurking here for a week or so). You all seem like the nicest, bravest people, and i will be happy to take any advice you care to share.<BR>My problem is....my husband started an affair with a coworker when our first son was about 4 months old. My impression is that i was too involved with the baby, and failed to meet a number of his emotional needs. Last august (son age 10 months), i confided in my husband's friend that i thought i might have an STD, and the OW came to my house to clarify the whole situation. She seemed disgusted my my H's lying, and promised not to see him again. Of course, it did not end there. H never made any effort to stop seeing her, though i begged him to, and even hired her at his new job he got in december!!!. He has been living near his job for 6 months now, told me it was at the "company-owned condo", but it turns out he was living with her most of the time. jeez. (he has once said i should be his mistress..since he only came home on the weekends, and i had NO wifely duties but sex, i guess i WAS!!!).<BR>She called me, drunk, one morning last week, and told me to get a paternity test for my current pregnancy, told me i was a horrible mother, went on about how selfish i was...then we called him (3-way), and she demanded that he tell her the truth, and he lied right in front of me about how i had signed divorce papers (not), how he loved her, how he had told her he had not told me where he was living, and how it was just over between us (truth was, it was right after he has started telling me that he loved me and wanted me back and did not want a divorce). He called me right after that and said he could not tell her the truth, as they work together, and she is basically insane.<BR>Well, for a long time, i had known his heart was not mine, so this was not a huge shock, but now i am really vascillating between wanting to call a lawyer and wanting to call a therapist.<BR>H has just started drugs to take care of a moderate manic-depression problem, and they seem to be helping a lot (I think he really had an impulse control problem that got him into this situation, plus he used to really drive me crazy, and i did a LOT of lovebusting). He is about to get a new job, and i'm sure he will not hire her again (he claims her drunken screaming at him was too much to bear any longer).<BR>He is not very remorseful, and discounts my pain to no end, and it is so hard not to lovebust. He is about to get an apartment near his new job (I am six months pregnant, and do not want to leave the support of my friends right now). I guess being apart for this long has really been a contributor to our problems. Today he at least said I could come stay with him at his new apartment some nights.<BR>I am always going between plan A and plan B (like 10 minutes of each at a time :-), but my resentment and feelings of betrayal are so strong!<BR>I think plan A is what i need right now. Can anyone offer advice and support for me to do this? I would appreciate ANY insight at this point...<BR>good luck to you all, and i am glad to finally be here,<P>------------------<BR>julie<BR>

lwb,i'm sorry to hear your situation. You are in the right place, a lot of us went trough difficult times with our spouse's affairs.many of us are now rebuilding, or on our way to rebuild. Itis possible, even when it seems there's no way things will ever get better.<BR>Today I'm not at my best to give you any suggestions, I am very tired and brainis not really working that well . <BR>However, I'm pretty sure ou will get some good answers or suggestions. I'llbe backto this thread later.For now, i just want to tell you that sometimes things do have a solution.<BR>take care<BR>kat

Dear Julie,<P>Your situation is hopeful, very hopeful. I know the anger and resentment you have, and the anger can be directed towards a positive outcome. The resentment will be something you will have to let go of, with forgiveness.<P>But for now, if I were you, I'd put both on the shelf - and analyze.<P>This affair in all likelihood is dying a natural death. You do know the concept of lovebusting? And Love Bank? It is all under the basic concepts, and hope you can go back to read this, then you will understand what I am saying.<P>The OW is lovebusting, and killing her relationship with your husband. That is fantastic that he will be taking a new job. That can be his exit with her, if he wants. But, you do NOT want to do any lovebusting, let her do it all. That is why I say put your anger and resentment on the shelf - you can come back and deal with that later.<P>If the geographical distance contributed to your problems with your husband, maybe you and the children can spend more time with him while he is out of town, and still maintain your contacts with friends and family.<P>Is your husband at the point where he tells you he wants to work on the marriage? If not, that is okay, you still have lots to work with.<P>

thank you, kat for responding so fast.<BR>TnT, you gave me so much hope. it seems like right now, he is as confused as i am about whether we can work it out, but i will pour on the love. <BR>funny thing: he is JUST now going on a job interview, and he called me for luck and a prayer, and right as he called me, i noticed the OW was online. this can mean 2 things:<BR>1) he wants my love and support in his time of need.<BR>2) he couldn't get ahold of her.<BR>something in my heart tells me it is #1. i hope i am right.<BR>thanks again for the instant support,<P>------------------<BR>julie<BR>

Julie,<P>I think it is No. 1!!!!<P>You go girl!<BR>

Hi Julie, this is another of those horror ows? Whew, and a drunk to boot. You have some great advice already on repairing your marriage.<BR>Something we have not talked about is why do you live away from H? Long distance marriages are tough enough, but when one throws in the healing that needs to be done to repair a marriage, post-affair, the distance makes it so much more difficult. Will the new job bring him closer to home? Or do you need to think about moving. I read that your support system is where you now live, but your H is not. Are you choosing this over being with H? Rent out the house and move with him? <BR>I feel like an old pro in this area....you need to find a way to be with each other asap. You need to find a better work/home solution, so discuss it to death til you get something that you both can live with and is good for the kids!!

Here is the living situation:<BR>We sold our house in December, and rented another one in the same area. Right at the same time, he got a job that is not 18 miles away, but is 50 miles away. We should have cancelled the lease right then, but could not really afford another move. Technically, he could come home every night, but the traffic for those fifty miles is HORRIBLE (EVERYBODY works in the silicon valley!!!). SO he told me he was living rent free in the company condo, but he never took me there, and he never made much of an effort to be home all weekend (truly, he WAS working for a 'start-up', and it took a LOT of his time).<BR>Anyway, the new baby is due in October, and we have been talking about moving back together in san jose, but now i am very attached to my doctor, the hospital is 2 blocks away, and it is less practical every day for me to consider moving. He will be making much more money at his new job, and will be able to afford an apt. down there, and has invited me to come down to see him during the week (very different from when he was living with her!!!).<BR>So, yes, living apart has been a HUGE problem for us. Has made me want to give up completely, actually. But i think i can carry out plan A better if we have limited contact (frankly, i can barely look at him without needing to run away to avoid love busting, the pain is so bad). Also, after all this time of being a "single mom", i have developed a really good support network of other stay-at-home moms, and i am afraid to leave them for the unsurety of my husband's committment until i know i can trust him again.<BR>The desicion to move or not has really been a roller coaster, so i have put it off, and now i think the issue has decided itself, for better or for worse.<BR>julie<BR>ps, after she called me last week, he actually came home and we really talked for the first time in ages, so i know he is willing to put some effort into this, but we are really only at a starting point. i need to pray that i can do a good job plan A'ing!<BR>after all, he never seemed to think the drive down to see her every weekend was too long!

hi, i'm back. <BR>You say in your post that you are at this moment vacilating between wanting to call a lawyer or a therapist. i really recomend the therapist.There are a lot of things that a therapist can help you with. if possible you could see if he would be willing to go together.<BR>now the fact that she is calling you and insulting you could very well mean that she is feeling very insecure about her position, and by doing that she is,like tnt says,lovebusting big time, ontop of whatever she did atwork, that got him upset. it seems that scrreaming at him, or whatever else,was loud enough to wake in up from fantasy land.<BR>There seems to be hope for your marriage. i is now,however that you have to think about what you really want, and are able to do.<BR>what do you want?Do you want to rebuild your marriage, forgive what happened, and work on your marriage? it will be hard work,it will feel like you're the only one making an effort, and that you are working so hard to meet his needs just to realise yours are not even close to be met. if withdrawl sets in,he'll be in high spirits one minute, andcompletely down the next. after awhile,however, things will start to get better and if everything goes well,you'll be able tofeelgood about your marriage again, and it might evenfeel stronger and better than before.<BR>if this is what you want,than you can start with plan a.there seems to be some opening on his part,and he might welcome the fact that you are there supporting him. as tnt says,ressentment will not help - on the other hand we can not help it either sometimes - BBut you must try to not let it do or say thingsthat you might regret later.<BR>At this point heis probably as confused as you are, i know my h was.he needs your help, andknow thatyou're there, even if he doesn't say so. actually,like mine,he might evenbe telling you that he doesn't need you, andstill act like hedoes.<BR>In any case,i also think that#1, iswhat it looks like.<BR>give it a try, and also give counseling a try.<BR>take care<BR>Kat<BR>p.s.-i'msorry, my keyboard is really going bye bye. i can't seem to get capitals,and now i'm not even geting spaces. Hope you can still understand what i'mwriting <P>

HI Julie,<BR>Now it is making more sense. 50 miles in san jose can be an issue. Could turn into a 2-3 hr a day commute depending on where to where. But there are some creative alternatives...how bout him rooming every other night and coming home the opposites? Could work especially if he is working for a start up or a company with some flex sheduling to avoid the traffic. Share a 2 bedroom apt with someone so your family can visit a lot and will have some space. Prefer a male that has a girlfriend's house to go to often! Room til after the baby is born, then rent an apt himself so you can spend as many days as you feel comfortable. <BR>It can be worked out. It will be very very hard for you the way it is set up. Not to mention how resentful he may become at being an away dad most of the time. <BR>Your kids need their dad too! <BR>To me, the living arrangements will be a crucial element in your rebuilding! You will need to be able to trust him, he will need to feel safe and comfortable, he needs a home to go to, and you both need to feel loved and appreciated. <BR>Congrats on the new baby!!

Yes, i do need to see a therapist for this. I was leaving it up to him, to "prove" that he wants to work it out with me. The good sign is that he has seen a psychiatrist about his manic depression (and the fact that he suffered a brain injury ten years ago that has left him feeling "scared" of everything. i.e., he was too afraid of me AND the OW to make up his mind as to what to do, so i think he subconsiously wanted her to call me to get this cleared up). He may need surgery for the brain injury, at any rate. That makes it a LITTLE easier to forgive him, but not much. <BR>Truly, i am really struggling with the question of whether to stay and work on it. I think i do. I think I owe it to our children, and frankly, i am not ready to give up on him yet, especially given his health problems and the fact that he is at least making some effort to be honest with me now.<BR>Of course, ten minutes from now, i might be totally angry at him again. I'm sure ALL of you can relate :-)<P>------------------<BR>julie<BR>

i know somebody who needs to read this. <BR>you know who you are <P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>