I'm a late sleeper and H wakes up at all hours (anytime from 4 am to 9 am). Most of the time he gets up before me and either makes his own breakfast or leaves without it. Sometimes, especially when he's tired or sick, he gets angry at me for not making breakfast for him. He says I don't take care of him and I don't love him, and sometimes he'll stop talking to me for a couple of days and use his business as an excuse to spend all his time there until he comes back down to earth.

The other issue is that H says he likes cleanliness and why can't I keep our house clean. He thinks he's the cleanest person on this earth, yet he leaves things everywhere (shirts, ties, underwear, cookies, etc.) and I'm constantly picking up after him. I tried not doing anything for a couple of weeks but nothing changed.

I don't know how to make him understand that he needs to think about me too at times. I usually do most of the things at home, plus my job, plus the books for his business, plus help him out with his business and I get tired of his self-centeredness at times.

I've tried explaining with love, getting angry, asking him how many times he's made breakfast for me (maybe 5 times in the 8 years we've been married). I've also tried setting the alarm clock earlier so I can get up before him (doesn't work....I like my sleep too much).

He used to help out around the house but stopped when he got really busy with his business. So we have a maid come in once a week but he still complains about the messiness.

He won't try marriage counselling. Other than his self-centredness, he's a great guy and we have a great relationship.

Can you give me any ideas as to how to calm his anger and to treat me more like a wife than a maid. Thanks.

Hi Dictator's wife!

I don't have time for a "real" reply right now, but wondered if you might get more responses if you posted this in Emotional Needs?

Just a thought.

I would be very frustrated if I were you. Have you figured out what are teh "cleanliness" issues he is talking about? (ex. dusting, vacuuming, or some of the bigger tasks). Maybe you guys agree to have someone come in once every 2 weeks to do those heavier tasks.

Just a thought.

Good luck!

tell the truth, it's really my h that you're talking about! My h is always complaining that he has to help around the house but honestly I feel like if you don't have a job and i DO, then you should be doing ALL the housework. Of course, this is all before I clean out from under the bed and find half full potato chips cans, jars of peanut shells, etc. And they ain't mine.

On top of that, he has the nerve to be verbally abusive.

The upshot is that your h (and mine) are who they are...they are not likely to ever change. The question is how much do we put up with? Me? I'm done.

Dear D.Wife: I was interested in his age? Does he have siblings? What is his birth order? He is messy himself but is easily annoyed by messiness. He withdraws emotionally when angry? What is your response to this? Do you react to this? If yes, then you are maniputated into your behavior. If no, then he is no doubt being 'petty' and he will get over it sooner or later.
You stated he has a Business that you help with. Do you spend large amounts of time with him everyday and then at home? Having read your post, I would guess that your spouse is adcustomed to his demands and you usually do them. Or did in the past.
You maybe created a 'monster' when you were courting and now that you are married...You are thinking that Junior needs to grow up. Amen to that,sister.
I would recommend "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. I read it and asked my spouse to read it. He won't read anything I ask him to read. As if, He knew this info was going to be helpful...to ME with HIM. Any way, read it and take what you can to your situation.
Slowly you can reclaim your life outside of the self imposed dictator, first you must gain the knowlege to not be manipulated. Then you will learn the other skills necessary to deal with the lovable 'Shreak' you have married. Good luck and Peace

Dear Frankly: You will never change your spouse. You can only change yourself. If you stop reacting in the ways you always have or did in the past, then you can change the future slowly. I will explain...let's say that hubby comes in with a negative expression of his face and nothing put hate spewing from his mouth..what do you do? Do you act as if he has come in with a gowing face and loving words? Or do you jump to fix it? Or do you get negative with him for being negative with you?
Let's go with the glowing face and loving words flowing...he will look at you like he is in the wrong house IF you do not get negative with him, or jump to fix his bad mood. Since he isn't in the so-called bad mood, what is there to fix...He will take notice of the change and slowly ole Rhett will be the chaming "GENTLEman" from Charleston.....Peace