First time on here and looking for help and advice. We've been married 20 years, happily on the outside, with 2 wonderful teens preparing to leave home within 2 years.

I've had issues with his drinking for years, 10+. His drinking basically starts when he's finished his first cup of coffee and ends when he falls asleep on the couch in the evening. Never has he been verbally or physically abusive so the biggest issue is financial and health concerns.

I've asked many times to quit, limit, slow down, etc in the past years, he agrees but nothing changes, he says he enjoys it too much. When I brought my kids into this world I promised I'd do everything in my power to keep our family together. Now that my commitment is coming to an end, I'm ready to face this issue.

My question is this: am I over reacting to his drinking? I have the problem because I'm really affected by this, my anger and restentment is getting so much worse these past 3 months that I don't even want to be near him. My anger is difficult to hide and he doesn't understand when I tell him why I'm angry. I don't want to go places with him because he's always half snaped.

I don't know what to do next. Talking to him about it doesn't work. Going to a counselor,he won't go but it may help me sort through this. I believe our marriage to good enough to fight for, besides, I love the guy!

Advice? Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi,
I'm sorry you're caught in this situation. You need to take care of you. Have you tried Al-Anon?
Yes, it is hard to watch the one you love be self-destructive. There is something going on with him that you can't fix. He needs to do that for himself if and when he chooses. How do your teens handle this? There is also Ala-Teen.
A good book to read is "Codependant no More". It taught me how to detach from my H's situation.
Be strong.
Dian

Thanks Dian,

Yes, we have those support groups here but also live in a small town and I don't want to be seen there. I guess I'm worried about his and my image, I know that's probably wrong. The kids are not really affected (or show it), they go about and do their thing. Neither teen, one is 18 and other turning 17 soon, really drink alcohal. They just know it's a fact that we can't do anything without booze being involved. Drinking and driving doesn't apply to him, which they point out he's in the wrong.

Because we don't fight, never speak our issues out loud in front of the kids, they probably don't realize what's going on. We have huge difficulties even talking about this issue when we are in private, I talk and he just agrees, doesn't cooperate in the conversation. Very frustrating so I end up withdrawing and doing my own thing.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi,
Al-Anon is confidential. Anybody who would see you there wouldn't think less of you. After all, they're in the same boat too. I can't blame you for worrying, but I'll bet half the town knows his problem anyhow. I remember sitting next to my H at our son's soccer games, you could smell it. I'm sure the other parents could too.
But if you can't bring yourself to go to a meeting, this might be an alternative:
web page

BTW, your teens may be more affected than you think. Children of alcoholics don't always end up drinking. They may become good little codependants.

The drinking and driving thing really bothers me. I hope none of you ride with him when he's been drinking. I am thankful that my H didn't do that anymore. I found booze in my car once. Laid it out to him that that the repercussions if he got caught or caused an accident I was not willing to bear. That crossed my boundary big time. Speaking of boundaries, have you done any reading on them? I've had problems with them. More like instituting them in my mind, but not letting him know. That was not good.

But remember, you can only affect what you do. You can't make him stop. He has to decide to do that. What do they say, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it.
I feel for you. Take care of yourself and hang in there.

Determined,
Hi. We are in a similar situation, except that my H and I are separated. Not over the drinking but other problems.

I was raised in a alcoholic home and let me tell you something, you might not think that your kids are affected, but they are. I remember as a child that we never went anywhere as a family that did not serve alcohol. Trust is a big issue, because I knew from a very early age that I could not trust the alcoholic parent. My father had the problem and although he was not abusive neither physically or verbally, I always felt like the alcohol was more important than me and that is not the best way to live.

My H's problem has progressively gotten worse over the last year and we are in counseling and I am hoping that we can get to some resolutions and I don't have to make the choice to divorce him because of the alcohol.

There are many wonderful programs out there. I attend one meeting a week for ACA's (adult children of alcoholics) and I attend two meetings a week for Alanon. Let me tell you; you have nothing to be embarrassed about, the problem is not yours and believe Ms_Dian when she tells you that anonymity is the key to the Alanon and Alateen programs. We are all there for the same reason, so what purpose would they have for exposing you, because in order to do that they would have to expose themselves.

I walked into an AA meeting thinking that it was Alanon and saw two people that I know and I had no idea that they had problems, but you know what? I would love to approach them and tell them how proud I am that they had the courage to get help and I applaud them! But out of respect for them and the program I will not do that, because it would undermine the whole program.

You have some very heavy decisions to make and I beg of you to not do it alone. The people in the programs are not going to tell you what to do, but with their guidance through the steps and traditions you will be able to bring peace to your life and therefore make decisions that are best for you and for your children.

Take care and god bless.