My husband and I have been married for over 2 and half years. Over the years I found out that he's been looking at pornography on his computer on three different occasions. I was very hurt and angry at him for humiliating and making me feel not wanted. It has been very difficult for me trust through out the marriage and we've had arguments frequently about trust issue. I became very suspicious of him and I started to look at the history on his computer and his cell phone. My husband confronted me of these issues and told me that I should trust him and stop spying on him. Our relationship has been on and off because of the trust issue and now we're separated again. It is really serious this time and we're thinking about getting divorce. I love my husband so much and I want to trust him so bad but I don't know how to let these feeling go. I want to save our marriage and this is breaking my hurt. Please guide me before it's too late.

thank you in advance

Don't feel bad about being upset with him over the porn or the cell phone. If he has given you something to be suspicious about, do snoop. I didn't until it was to late, now we are in plan A. He told me he was having an affair, after I told him I saw him with other woman. He was emailing and text messageing her on my time ( while I was in next room).

Here's my experience toki from the other side.
About two years into my marriage I began looking at porn and convinced myself that It was harmless(it could be for some men)but this increased my desire for OW until I almost ended my marriage with an affair. 6 years later with my W's help I've come to appreciate what I have at home and that I could fulfill my fantasies home.

Like I was, your H's probably looking for something;a new experience, confidence booster, fulfilled fantasy. Sometimes we aren't even sure what we're looking for so work with him, help him understand himself and his needs and show him together you could fulfill them all,

Just don't give up on him yet!!

Hope this helps!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

recerwife and MLT;

Thank you for your supports. I haven't given up my marriage yet. I just wish and hope that my husband and I can work this thing out. He's been gone almost two weeks now. I'm getting tortured by thoughts of him watching pornography while we're separated and of him may not want to come back home and of him having an affair. His actions have made me think that maybe he doesn't want me and wants a woman who looks like a barbie doll. Maybe I feel like this because he used to date women who looked like barbie dolls before. Whenever we have arguments about this he assures me that he loves me and married me because I'm not like those girls he used to date. I'm studying to get my doctorate degree and I'm definately not a type of girl he used to date before. I love him so much and I don't want to throw away what we have worked so hard for but, sometimes, I feel like maybe we're better to be without each other. Maybe we're two totally different people. I just don't know what to do.... This is just too painful...

toki, when I was about 14 my friend's grown brother told me something: A guy will date any kind of girl but she has to be something special to bring home to mother. He is obviously attracted to your intelligence and drive and your beauty. No matter what you look like, there is someone out there who will find you beautiful. And beauty does come from within.

As for the porn, I struggle with this. My h looks at porn as well...in fact, I believe he is addicted, altho he doesn't think so. He does not look at porn when I am home, and it does not seem to interfere with our sex life. We work conflicting hours and he says he uses it just as a way to get release when I'm not available. It still bothers me, tho, but then it doesn't. It's weird. I have such ambivalent feelings about it.

But the issue is that it does bother YOU. Has he given you a reason NOT to trust him? An ea? Calling OW? Or is it your own insecurity that's making you unhappy? If he's done nothing wrong, then you are going to have to trust him if you want to keep him. I know it's hard but it's crucial. It really is 'innocent until proven guilty'.

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: franklymydears ]</small>

The only book on this subject I have heard about and read is a fantastic one called 'Every Man's Battle' (authors Arterburn and Stoecker-think I am spelling those properly). It is written by two Christian married men. I found it very insightful and explained things clearly. I am a wife and have 4 young children. Best of luck to you all.

Hi toki,

Dr. Harley has taught, and I agree, that it is a manipulative tool to say that the problem is not what one is doing... the problem is that the other spouse doesn't "trust you" enough.

Listen to your feelings. Don't suppress your own feelings. Trust me, lol, it won't really work. You'll be sitting on a powder keg... sooner or later. You've got to address the trust issue... not your "lack of trust".

Ie. Your feelings are not the problem. The problem is the problem. And as you face the problem, you will overcome the problem... and you're feelings about the problem... will resolve themselves.

You don't trust your H. If he wants you to trust him, he needs to do the work to prove himself trustworthy.

You do not owe anyone blind trust. Blind trust is as destructive as carte blanche. And it certainly does not promote marital fidelity.

It is his job, here, to earn your trust... not your job to learn to trust him blindly and to suppress your fear, hurt, and pain.

Love means him being willing to understand why you don't trust him and to do what it takes to earn your trust... not vice versa.

If he will not do what it takes to earn your trust, then the only choice is to pull back and face that he cannot, and should not, be trusted.

That is what Dr. Harley has taught.

Don't struggle trying to trust him. Face the fact that he is not willing to do what it takes to earn your trust.

That's my point of view. Then, hard as it is, you have only yourself to work with to overcome the hurt and the pain.

You can't "make him" stop doing what is causing you fear, hurt, and pain. You have to overcome that yourself... whether he cooperates with you or not.

Best wishes,

Laura

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

I wonder if there is room for negotiation here? Can you evaluate what you can accept as being an okay level of "checking in with him"... not "checking up on him".

Can the two of you together identify an agreeable level of trustbuilding activity that works for both of you? Really works?

Maybe if you "give and take"... you can find that balance.

Laura