I am trying desperately to save my marriage. I am as in love with my wife as I’ve ever been, and want nothing more than to have our relationship work and grow.

She says she still loves me, but has “very little hope” that the relationship can be saved.

Our current circumstances aren’t helping either. We have two houses 50 miles apart – I’m working on one trying to get it ready to sell, while she is at the other, so we hardly see each other. Our main contact is daily phone calls. This lack of time together has obviously been the main factor in her loss of feelings for me. It’s taken me far too long to get the house we’re selling ready, but I’m only about a month away now. It was only last weekend that she announced that she wasn’t sure she wanted to live with me. Up to that point I had no idea she was feeling so hopeless.

She says she’s willing to go to counseling. That certainly gives me some hope. But finding the right person for this feels like a crap-shoot. And scheduling is likely to be a problem. So far the ones I’ve checked into don’t do evening or weekend appointments, and they don’t have any openings for weeks.

I need to make this as easy for my wife as possible, because I don’t think she is willing to go too much out of her way to do this. I was thinking of trying the phone counseling on the web site here. Anyone else do that? I am going to suggest to her tonight that she take a look at this site – she may be willing to look at it, but I doubt that she’ll have the patience to read much of it (actually, I doubt she’ll even look at it).

When we talk about the relationship, we never get beyond her just feeling like she’s past the point of caring enough to fix it.

Other than getting into counseling as quickly as possible, I’m feeling very lost as to what to do. How do I start? What do I say to her? What do I do (and not do) to begin fixing this?

Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

gryphon,

sorry you are here...it sucks that any of us need what is offered here.

My h and I are separated and I don't know if we can ever get it together again. Let me tell you where *I* am, maybe it will help.

My h works evenings, weekends---of course, totally opposite of what I work. He calls me for a few minutes most days. When he comes to see me, we have sex and then he leaves an hour or two later. It doesn't feel to me that he finds me valuable. i feel like I'm a convenience...just a safe way to relieve physical tension. I have called and suggested that he come over after work...I don't care what time it is...but he obviously can't handle the task of being with me AND going to work in the same day. It's just too taxing for him, I guess.

What do I want? I want him to come to my place after work some night because he just can't stand NOT to be with me that night. I want him to call me late at night...even if I'm asleep because he wants to hear my voice before he goes to sleep. I want him to come over on his day off and spend some with us...I guess that's not as important as doing his laundry..although it's not like he can't bring his laundry here and do it while we're together. I want him to pack me a bologna sandwich and take me to the park for a picnic on his day off. It doesn't have to be fancy, big stuff...it just has to be the effort and the thought. I want him to tell and show me that I am the most important thing in his life and how can we work on this? He's been gone two months about and we agree to talk about the issues in our marriage and try to come to an agreement. But so far, nothing. It's not exactly a phone thing...it kind of needs to be a face to face conversation.

I need to know I am important to him...that he values me enough to go out of his way for me.

Now, he did buy me a lovely ring this week that I cherish. I've always wanted one like it. BUT love cannot be bought...it has to be given as a gift. Love has nothing to do with things, even though I realize he bought the ring because I wanted it and he loves me and wants to make me happy.

Ok, I guess what I'm saying is that we women really do love the mushy stuff even if it's extraordinarily hard for you all to do with a straight face. I know it's corny but we all need to hear something like 'you complete me' sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm in a very similar situation as you're in. My husband left home 2 weeks ago. I have talked to him few times since then and tried to pursuade him for MC but My husband thinks our relationship is damaged too much to restore.
All I can say is that just read as much as you can here and be patient. Someone gave me an advice of reading His Needs Her Needs which I ordered the other day. I think it will help me to learn more about marriage and saving a relationship. I recommend you reading that book too.

His Needs Her Needs is a great book. So is His Needs Her Needs for Parents. Before you knock the for Parents one, I suggest you consider what kids create (they are wonderful, but they are a big commitment that requires lots of time that you once devoted to your spouse). So, if the house has put distance between you (literally and figuratively), this book is for you. Run, don't walk to your nearest Christian Book store. They are fantastic and are giving my husband and me (married 11 years, separated 3.5 months, 4 small children) a blueprint and hope for reconciliation and rebuilding. I do not know whether it will all work out because I can't determine his lasting willingness to make it work, but time will tell whether once we are back in the same household we can follow the blueprint. I certainly hope so. Best of luck to you.