The issue between my husband and I that is most troublesome to me is that I feel a boundary has been crossed and my husband feels it is not that bad.

In this boundary crossing there has been lies, and what I feel is an inappropriate relationship with another woman, to the point that my husband and I are currently seperated.

My problem is this ~ how can I get back together with my husband when the boundaries differ between us?

Any adive out there?

Mom of 3, but can I relate! I dont have any words of wisdom for you because I'm in the same search. Just so that you understand and don't feel alone, feel free to refrence back to my posting. If anyone has ideas Im sure it would be helpful here.

Mom of 3, but can I relate! I dont have any words of wisdom for you because I'm in the same search. Just so that you understand and don't feel alone, feel free to refrence back to my posting. If anyone has ideas Im sure it would be helpful here.

From what I understand, you are saying that your husband has had an inappropriate relationship w/ another woman-you don't say in person or internet, but I am guessing internet because men seem to think this isn't as serious as in person. Women understand that an emotional 'affair' can be just as serious as a physical 'affair'. So now the boundary is you say "You can't do that". He doesn't like the boundary so he answers, "Hey, it's not that bad." (No assurances that he will quit seeing/speaking/emailing her.

If he is having an affair in person or otherwise, he must break it off, and YES because you say so. This is not a question of control (is it?), it sounds like he has crossed the line and gone to someone else for some kind of intimacy, that wasn't you, made you feel like an outsider, and wants to continue to enjoy a privilege he shouldn't have as a married man (more than one person he is deeply intimate with).

Stand your ground. The book "Every Man's Battle" addresses the battle each man faces-the sexual one.

Christeen, mom of 4

My husband and I became friends with a family, then I became closer to the Wife, then my husband seemed to be interested in the Wife, then I just did not like what I saw happening, I told my husband my concerns and his response was that is nothing, they are just friends, well that was almost 2 years ago. My husband has lied about this woman, has emailed her on numerous occasions about being best friends, wrote her some letter that "touched her by the loving words", he has bought her gifts, met her for dinner, and even after she told him that she wanted to be more then just frineds with him, he is still seeing her and telling me that they are just frineds.

The woman has filed for divorce against her husband and my husband and I are seperated and he is still telling me that he is not going to give up the friendship.

My thoughts are that if he is not willing to give up the frinedship totally, no contact at all then I am not willing to have him move back home.

When I spoke with my husband about this his comment to me was, "I am not going to give up the frinedship, even if I said ok, No contact, No calling, there will still be times that we run into each other and talk, and that is just not going to be good enough for you"
In my mind I want NO CONTACT, if something is going to make you sin or is disrespectful to your spouse then you do not do it, you walk the other way and do not look back.

ADVICE????

Dear Mom of 3,

WHY is he being so stubborn in getting rid of this woman? It is not a question of you wanting hin to have NO CONTACT? Of course that is ideal if he is having an emotional/physical affair, but that is not the real issue. Do you deserve his utmost loyalty? Yes. He promised it to you. Is he giving it to you? No. Is he making excuses why he won't even try? Yes. He is pointing the finger at you in the lamest way imaginable. He is actually partially blaming you. you wouldn't be satisfied if he stopped seeing/talking with her because he would still run into her and that would make all his efforts for nothing!

Since the words, "We can't ever talk to each othar again." are clear, he is saying simply that he doesn't want to, like my 6 year old says to me when I ask him to get dressed for bed. Giving up an emotional relationship, I have read, is very difficult for a man that loves more than one woman. I believe it was in a book Iread many years ago called, "Tough Love". It actually addressed the issue of refusing to end an affair. Best of luck to you.

Would you believe Christeen is Mom of 4?

Mom of 3

you say
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is this ~ how can I get back together with my husband when the boundaries differ between us? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are YOUR boundaries, not his. Of course his will be different.

You need to be firm on yours so he doen't walk all over them.

I don't believe there are negotiations in boundaries other wise they would be more like speed bumps.

WIWH

Any advice on how my husband and I can come to some sort of agreement on boundaries?

I feel that in marriage the boundaries should be that neither spouse should have a close intement friend of the opposite sex, there should be no phone calling, no emails, no buying of gifts, no spending time alone with them unless the spouse is also involved and knows about these things. Once a spouse has a problem with things then the other spouse should respect the marriage and stop the friendship.

What do you all feel is a good boundary in marriage in regards to friends of the opposite sex?

Boundaries...

My wife did the same thing over a period of 6 months with someone that was working on our house. I found out about it one day when i came home from work unexpectedly and found some cards he gave her.

No sex presumably but plenty of emotional connection.

After my anger subsided and she decided to stay with me (I demanded an answer because there was a question), I told her in no certain terms was she to have any other man in MY house while I was not here. I don't think that is a matter of mistrust, it is a matter of respect of my needs for my own security.

Same with meeting a former lover for dinner and a date, getting drunk and letting him stay the night at her apartment (6 months before we married, seriously talking about marriage)...it had better not happen again or I will talk a long walk.

Both of the issues happened years ago (12+ years). We talked one night about "cheating" and she told me that if a person has to look outside of marriage for anything, then the marriage is not worth the sacrifice of your needs.

Guess she realized what she had done and how hurt I am because of it.