I beg for your help. My mother-in-law is making me crazy. My husband, who is 36, is her only son, and she treats him like he is five years old. I will admit that my husband almost died in 1990 and she is overprotective as it is, but something has got to give.

My husband’s family have all been in the civil service, whether it be the police department, fire department or EMS. My father-in-law was EMS. They live in a small town, and discuss everything with everyone.

· My in-laws passed my husband’s kidney stone (it was in the bathroom in a cup waiting to be taken back to the hospital) around my kitchen table and laughed when I got offended.

· My husband was in the emergency room for a high fever, we had the door closed while the doctor examined hubby, and my mother-in-law walked in like she owned the place. Mind you, since my father-in-law was EMS, everyone at this hospital knows the whole family. My father-in-law was discussing my husband’s urine sample with his EMS buddies. My mother-in-law wanted to take my husband home to her house to recuperate.

· I had outpatient surgery, and my mother drove 400 miles to be with me during the surgery (my husband and I were only living together at this time). Only two people could go back in the recovery area, so my future hubby, of course, stayed, and my mother-in-law wouldn’t leave so my own mother could see me.

· I had eye surgery, and the following weekend was Mother’s Day. I had to cook dinner, etc. My mother-in-law comes in, doesn’t say so much as “How are you feeling?” She goes into a long and detailed story of how she spent 10 hours in the emergency room the night before because she was constipated from pain medicine (she didn’t know narcotics will constipate you, duh) and stated she had 10 enemas, including one standing on her head. I will spare you the rest of the details. Several times I tried to change the topic of conversation, but she ignored me.

· Every time she is over for dinner, she goes on and on about everyone’s health problems, including colon/rectal cancer and polyps. During dinner.

· Recently, my husband was involved in a head-on collision at 60mph. My husband asked the paramedics to call his boss (the accident occurred during work), and myself. My husband couldn’t remember my work number, but gave them the name and address of my company. One of the paramedics knew my father-in-law, and contacted my husband’s family and completely ignored my husband’s wishes. I didn’t find out about the accident until two hours later. My in-laws do not understand why I am so upset. The paramedic even came in and discussed my husband’s condition without my husband’s consent. Have they even heard of HEPA laws?

· My mother-in-law was on the phone in my husband’s hospital room and was saying, “They just came in and gave him two enemas.”

· My father-in-law informed me my husband would be better off in a nursing home because I was incapable of taking care of him.

· My mother-in-law tried to “slip” an over the counter laxative to my husband while he was in the hospital.

· My in-laws wanted to take my husband to his follow-up appointments. I was his primary care giver and had to be there, not to mention the in-laws were not in the best of health and that wheelchair was a *****. I asked them to help hubby with his physical therapy, but they never did.

· My mother-in-law calls all the time at 10:00-10:30 knowing I have to change hubby’s bandage (even now) and then go to bed.

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

My husband hates conflict, but has finally decided that it’s time to take back control of our lives. If my mother-in-law hated me before, she really hates me know. Everything is my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is showing my husband that average people do NOT talk about these things openly and that his mother’s behavior is inappropriate. He grew up thinking everyone’s family was like this.

My mother-in-law is a co-dependent person. Her husband died in November, and I’m afraid this situation is going to get worse. I feel for the woman, but I cannot condone her behavior. I’ve been patient, but after 10 years, enough is enough.

In the past year, I have lost two pets, been injured in a car accident, although not as bad as my husband’s, my mother died, my husband had his accident, and my husband’s father and grandmother died. 2003 was NOT a good year for us, and I just cannot take anymore.

Please tell me I am justified in feeling her actions are inappropriate.

Gail

Hi Gail,
Welcome to marriage builders.
Yes, you are justified in feeling that her actions are inappropriate, but that does not mean that she is the one that needs to change. She most likely won't change. So, what do you need to do for yourself and your husband in order to be happy?

Smile

Gail,
no, you are not crazy, his mother is a controlling woman and her actions are totally inappropriate.

Without going into each incident, I will say that you and your H are going to have to discuss this and make a plan of action. Is he upset about his mother's interference also? You need to present a unified front, as a couple.

Maybe invite his mother to dinner and tell her that you need to have a serious discussion. Let your H tell her that you would like to continue to enjoy her company <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but that her constant conversations about other's personal and medical conditions make you both very uncomfortable. Let her know that you no longer wish to hear about those issues or have your own discussed with others.

This is NOT going to be easy, but ignoring it will only lead her to believe that it is acceptable. If she strays into those discussions, remind her of the new "rules" in your house. Your H is going to have to be the one to take charge here and let her know that he is a married man and will not be "babied" by her any longer. Your marriage is at stake.

As far as the community involvement, you really can't do much about it except try to keep your private life as private as possible. Tell others that you DO NOT wish to have his family informed about your private lives and insist on compliance. You are going to have to make your position clear and let others know that you mean it!

I would also suggest that you post this up on Emotional Needs, this particular area get very few responses, I just noticed the MIL title and could not resist looking! Keep us posted and be strong, Ladysing

Thanks for the advice! I'm trying very hard to be strong, but it's difficut at times. My husband is in agreement, but I know he gets tired of my ranting. I just can't get over it. On top of everything, this woman is my exact opposite. She's extremely feminine and a complete wimp. The only opinion she had was her husband's (until he died). I guess I just can't relate.

Thanks for the shoulder!
Gail

I am absolutely stunned how God works in my life. Yesterday I was telling my own father how he needed to forgive others and have more love in his heart and work on relationship building. Not even a hour later, BAM, I am hit by a bunch of garbage my "mother in law" threw at me and realized God was giving me a lesson in following my own advice, to forgive her and work on relaitionship building. Here I am spending my time writing in my journal about HER! I took a break for a minute and saw your post and had to reply! How funny how God puts things right in front of my eyes when I ask. So anyway, our therapist told us that my husband needs to COMMUNICATE to his mother when he feels her behavior is INAPPROPRIATE. A thing he has never learned to do. You are not crazy, I can't get over this woman interferring in MY LIFE NOT TO EVEN MENTION MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILDREN!!!! I have to pray constantly to God to help rid me of the resentments I hold against her and to put "agape love" in my heart for her YUCK! I just said I hated her to my husband yesterday. I feel awful about that and need to pray more. I had to write out my story about her this morning to free myself of the problem. Maybe some of these things will help you. DEFINATELY NEED TO HAVE A UNITED FRONT AND APPROACH HER TOGETHer. BEST wishes!

Gailc,

Just read everone's posts and I have to agree with Ladysing58. Your mother-in-law does have a problem and the two of you need to let it be her problem. Instead of jsut trying to pray your way out from under it (don't get me wrong, you do need to pray) your MIL has to understand that you two have a life of you own - SEPERATE FROM HERS.!!!

There is a book I would suggest you read called Boundries by DRS. Cloud and Townsend. This book helped me start learning that I had a right to my boundaries (even to learn they existed) and a right to say NO to my mother and MIL. My mother was a pain in the **** and it took my two years of hanging up on her when she violated those boundaries, refusing to see her when she did, and she was one MAD *****. She didn't like it AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!! But she finally got the picture. She got to where she would come back and apologize for her behavior and treat me with a little more R E S P E C T.
My H's mom was not quite like that. She's mad to this day and refuses to talk about anything. It hasn't been too long that the two of them ended up in an argument and my H was finally fed up with it enough that he told her to kiss off.
We haven't been back. He had tried repeatedly to talk with her but she wouldn't have any part of it. His dad understood a little more when he talked to him. Things aren't great but you can't just go around praying your life away. I tried that and continued to make myself a victim. It didn't help. I pray for God's peace in my heart and in their lives but have to accept that they made the decision not to have anything to do with me. We tried to be nice in the discussions but it didn't work. My preacher let me know that you have to go on with your life. If they decide to be a part of it then accept it and be thankful, if they don't then you have to learn to be thankful that your H and you have grown together in that area. It's tough.
Just reading the book will help you gain a better understanding on what is healthy and what is not.
One thing I will let you know is don't use the same tactics in your relationship with your H. Any problem the two of you have will have to be addressed from a different angle. Dr. H's angle works a lot better there.
Good Luck and God Bless!!
jnb