hey all....

I'm writing this because I don't know what to do with myself.....

I'm 25 been married for almost 6 years been with my husband for 7 and a half years......we have been having alot of troubles and i know most of them are my fault....I strayed....he's a good man and has done alot....but after the baby was born...I realized I was not happy....I felt alone and negleced....it seemed to me his work came first.....and sometimes even his friends......but he's a good guy he didn't realize it and has realized it......during the duration where Iw as unhappy I had a friend online and we started a relationship....I fell in love with him.....I even went to see him and I did sleep with him......shame on me...but I did do it because I loved him....but my lover had moral issues...and he has since pushed me away......and we have ended it.....I have attempted to get my marriage back on track....i was honest with my husband the whole time....he knows what happened....he's told me he thought he could handle it better but he isn't.....i have some family problems with my father dieing and I am trying to juggle fifty different things....My husband always demands my attention now sometimes not even wanting me to sleep....this affects my work....and my mood....and lately I've been so depressed over the issue of loosing my lover and basically my whole life I don't care anymore about hardly anything.....I feel like life has no meaning...I've told my husband I'm willing to go to counseling but he says he can't try to help me anymore and I should go myself....his moody swings both ways and it's worse than PMS.....I don't know what to do ....I'm so lost....and everywhere I turn I can't find answers to help me.....for my husband....my child and even myself...

Lost Lamb, welcome to Marriage Builders.
I think you should take your husband's advice and seek individual counseling. You also need to consider marriage counseling as soon as your husband is ready to get involved in that, but he is right that you need to take care of yourself and discover what you want before dragging him around through the remnants of your affair.

You are more than welcome in all of the forums on this web site, but I'd recommend that you hop on over to the General Questions II forum in the infidelity area. You'll get more responses as well as advice from people who are familiar with the perspective of being a betrayed spouse and a wayward spouse.

While you might not find very much sympathy for your withdrawal pains from OM (other man), you will find help on repairing the damage you caused with your affair. You are here. You should expect to take the upper hand and start taking action to save your marriage. This is a pro-marriage web site and forums. The people who will post to you will not be professionals and many have been hurt irrepairably by their spouse (esp. in the infidelity forums). If you want to save your marriage, read all you can on this web site and start reading in the forums after you feel you have a decent understanding of the MB concepts.

Take care and good luck,
Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost lamb:
<strong> hey all....

I'm writing this because I don't know what to do with myself.....

I'm 25 been married for almost 6 years been with my husband for 7 and a half years......we have been having alot of troubles and i know most of them are my fault....I strayed....he's a good man and has done alot....but after the baby was born...I realized I was not happy....I felt alone and negleced....it seemed to me his work came first.....and sometimes even his friends......but he's a good guy he didn't realize it and has realized it......during the duration where Iw as unhappy I had a friend online and we started a relationship....I fell in love with him.....I even went to see him and I did sleep with him......shame on me...but I did do it because I loved him....but my lover had moral issues...and he has since pushed me away......and we have ended it.....I have attempted to get my marriage back on track....i was honest with my husband the whole time....he knows what happened....he's told me he thought he could handle it better but he isn't.....i have some family problems with my father dieing and I am trying to juggle fifty different things....My husband always demands my attention now sometimes not even wanting me to sleep....this affects my work....and my mood....and lately I've been so depressed over the issue of loosing my lover and basically my whole life I don't care anymore about hardly anything.....I feel like life has no meaning...I've told my husband I'm willing to go to counseling but he says he can't try to help me anymore and I should go myself....his moody swings both ways and it's worse than PMS.....I don't know what to do ....I'm so lost....and everywhere I turn I can't find answers to help me.....for my husband....my child and even myself... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Lost Lamb ~ It saddens me to tears to hear your story. I offer you my prayers & support.

First, I see something good: You want to get help. Please pursue that with all that's in you. NOW is a defining moment for you in your entire life. Be very careful what you do and don't do in the days to come.

It's normal for you to feel the pain of loss of a lover from an affair. Relax.

It's normal for your H to go through this turmoil. Relax again!

It's normal for you to feel overwhelmed. Re...You get the idea!!

But first things first. Get Dr. Harley's books. Begin to read. Find good counseling. Stick with the plan. You can come through this better than ever if you work on it.

God be near you,
High Flight

this is just a small update as I can't do to much to help my situation anymore....I have begun to see a counselor....I have made efforts to help my situation with my husband....I realized my mistake and I want to get our marriage back on track....Unfortunatly my husband doesn't feel the same way....he doesn't wan to try at all....he says it's over...he will remain my friend.....I don't want a friend I want my husband I want my son to have his father around with him......I have lost everything and I am losing my sanity....I love my husband and I can't imagine my life and future without him....he asked me to seek counseling I have....he asked me to take our son and move out to give him space...I have....I have been trying to spend more time with him like I was asked to...and nothing is helping...how can I stop my downward spiral into this depression where I am losing my mind and my faith and everything I hold dear to me......I don't want this marriage to end....I am despereate....can anyone help....everything I do seems wrong....

I DON'T ENVY YOUR SITUATION AT A ALL, BEING ON EITHER SIDE OF THE COIN IS NOT ALOT OF FUN AT THIS STAGE,I SEE THAT YOU ARE ATTENDING COUNSELLING, THAT IS GOOD GOR DEALING WITH YOUR FATHER AND YOURSELF,YOU NEED TO GET BETTER YOURSELF FIRST FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND YOUR SON,
SLOWLY YOUR HUSBAND WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK,THIS TAKES TIME TRY TO RELAX,.EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME AS WELL YOU HAVE GONE OUTSIDE THE CONTENTS OF YOUR MARRIAGE, HE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH THAT ISSUSE AS WELL.
WHEN YOU SAID YOU FELT UNLOVED AND UNWANTED BY YOUR HUSBAND, I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF AS MY EXWIFE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A 68 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR, AT FIRST I REJECTED HER BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE SHE BROUGHT ON BY GOING OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE, LATER I WANTED NOTHING MORE THEN TO HAVE MY WIFE BACK, I LOVED HER AND WAS WILLING TO WORK ON IT,MY MARRIAGE DID FAIL BECAUSE SHE STILL KEPT SEEING OM,
BUT YOU CAN SEE THAT YOUR H MAY SEE THIS AS WELL AND WANT TO WORK IT OUT, TIME WILL TELL AND TIME WILL HEAL.
GETTING BETTER FOR YOURSELF IS MOST IMPORTANT, IF THAT TIME COMES YOU NEED TO BE READY.
DR HARLEY HAS LOTS OF BOOKS TO READ THAT ARE AMAZING,PICK A TOPIC,HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS IS A GREAT BOOK TO READ ONCE H AND YOU DECIDE TO WORK THINGS OUT, GOOOD BOOK TO READ ON YOUR OWN AS WELL.KEEP UP THE COUNSELLING AND DON'T TRY SO HARD,
YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HIM,
HOW ABOUT WRITING HIM A LETTER TO SAY YOUR SORRY AND THAT YOU DO HAVE LOVE FOR HIM.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEND THE LETTER ITS GOOD TO WRITE OUT THE WORDS FOR YOURSELF.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS KB

well yet again more updates.....so my husband has gone into denial about his involvement with the situation....he also acts very childish in his angry out bursts like calling me hurtful things then hanging up on me and when I call back calling me them again and hanging up......he has sunk to a 4th grade level....he turns simple conversations into world war 3....he kicked my 1 year old son and I out and we were forced to live in a drafty apartment where you had to use a bucket to flush the toilet....and that was ok with him...until I told him my son and I were coming home and he could go live there....suddenly it wasn't safe enough for him.....and speaking of safe he has become extremely paranoid....accusing me of hiring a hit man and having him wait at our house to kill him...I almost burst out laughing when he said that...Number 1 I want to save my marriage....and number 2 *jokingly* where would I get the money to do that.....he complains about finances then he runs off on a trip for a wekk spending money on a rental car a hotel and new clothes....and me spending money to make that hole in the wall apartment somewhat liveable for his son and I isn't of importance.....anywho...he is forcing divorce on me and doesn't want to comprimise anything having to do with our son till I do agree to divorce.....I have tried to make efforts and am stuck....anyone out there have experience with this...

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

Hi, I began reading your situation and thought 'wow this person has my same problems'but as I read on, your situation has become different. I too separated and was intimate with a man I loved. The time I spent with him was wonderful,something that I never experienced with my husband of 12 yrs. But I wouldn't let myself get serious with this OM because I felt quilty that I married and I should be true to my vows. Anyhow, my husband and I are trying to reconcile and as much as I want to me with my H, every so often my feeling for this other man hits me in the head like a hammer. I neen to get him out of my head. Have you forgotton about this OM of yours? I too need advice.

OH yes...OM has been gone for quite some time now and he is someon I NEVER want to see again....sorry for the late response.....I realized what I had at home and where I wanted to be....I I still want to be there even tho my now WH doesn't want to....see my husband has had a revenge affair....and is now in a fog over his current OW......so I would love to give you advice....but right now I am between a rock and a hard place....as far as getting OM out of your head....cut all contact...I know it's hard at first...but it gets easier over time...and focus on your marriage and stay busy at all costs....your husband is very hurt....try to attend to his needs...don't do what I did and go into a depressed slump...it will only bring him down further...I have seen it happen.....

Lydia,
I too have issues w/ the OM he was a great friend of our family, and honestly a Priest who counceled me. He has dumped me for Moral issues, although there was only a few kisses one day we did e-mail alot. It has gone on for 3 years hot and cold, we have stayed in contact and go from overly religous to flirty for a few weeks then back to Opps can't do this sorry stuff. My M is rocky up and down, H finally went for depression last year but his perscription has worn out and now refuses to go back, the OM hasn't contacted me in 4 weeks (unusual) and I am starting to sink. I do miss him, but I do want to focus on my marriage, I know it is where I need to be. It does get easier, as I have not attempted to make contact in a week now and I am starting to come out of some serious dep. moments, have not told H for fear it will destroy him/marriage and push him back into a violent nature he used to have. It is hard when family talks about the OM and kids miss him.. UHHH specially since my H has so many problems and showing his affection for us all specially the kids is one, and now off of zoloft cold turkey... HELP

well i didn't go on any meds but I think I am doing ok.....the only thing I did go on was ambien after I found out abruptly of my WH sneaky actions.....I had nightmares for a couple of weeks when i could sleep and severe insomnia....and morning sickness so bad I almost thought I was pregnant.....If only god had allowed me a little bit of happiness during all this....but it wasn't ment to be....every day is hard...I really could care less about OM I am happy he is gone now...it will take awhile but you will feel that way too....but it's still hard now...wondering where WH is...who he is with....what he is doing...that is what is currently driving me insane...and the fact that he would rather spend time with his mistress or friends than his son who he only sees 3-4 hours a week....that hurts the most...he has that stupid saying stuck in his head that kids are resilient....just because this same thing happened to him and he thinks he turned out ok...our son will be ok....I pray every night that he will come home....I know he's been terible...but I still love him....