OK, here's the deal. I need practical advice instead of platitudes about duty and honor. I think that I have proven my willingness to serve my country time and again, and now I need direction as to how to DEAL with too much time apart and combat stress/fatigue.
Some history. I have been married for almost three years. Due to-- well, you watch the news-- I have only spent about 7 months with my husband altogether (and not even consecutively). The first year was emotionally painful but actually not that hard because we got to talk on the phone and email a lot, almost everyday. He had to leave a week after we got married, was gone for 8 months, then before we could get back together, I had to go for 3 months, then together for a month or so, then he left for California for a month, another couple weeks together, then I left for a school for a month, then a while together but he went to the field for about 2 weeks of every six weeks. Then he got deployed to Iraq, then 4 months later, I got deployed to Iraq (but we are in different parts of the country and it is too dangerous to travel to see each other on account of the war).
So right now we are going through a year and a half stretch apart. It is going terribly. He got mad because, well, ok I have a penchant for dancing. I really like it. Not the bumping and grinding kind, but salsa and swing and that kind of stuff. So I have always done it, and he said it was okay if I still did when he left for Iraq. But, he got mad about it anyway, and then proceeded to terrorize me with what amounts to hate mail for about 4 months. Valentine's day was not even sacred, apparently-- he sent me an email about how he wants to move to another state without me, how angry he is with me, and some references to other women that I won't get into. So, yeah, he is really angry. I had this little problem with my boss sexually harrassing me, which was REALLY bothering me. It is one thing to be harrassed at work when you can quit, or even when you can go home, but when that person has absolute control over you, and you can't go home, it is really traumatic. I finally got up the nerve to do something about it. Now I know what you think, well, I could have stopped it, but I have seen some of my friends be harrassed and in one instance, a male soldier tried to rape a female soldier (who was a friend of mine), and they ALWAYS manage to make it the girl's fault. Even if on paper it looks like it was handled properly, they punish you in other ways. And I wasn't sure if it would be worse to put up with it or report it. But eventually it was so intolerable that I decided I didn;t care what happened to me, so I reported it (and have been properly punished but the punishment was better than the harrassment so I won in the end). I told my H about it-- I didn't tell him at first out of fear that he would report it. You know what he said? That if I go out dancing, people will assume that I am a whore, so I kind of asked for it. I was shocked. I mean, he was the nicest guy I have ever met, and he said this to me, first thing when I told him about it. I said something like, "what kind of a husband are you?" and he said "f-you" and hung up.
OK, I have asked about this before and people say things like, aww shucks, he is going through a lot over there, put up with it. Well, I am going through a lot too, by all accounts, more than he is as far as job stress (I work 12 hours per day, 6 days per week), getting shot at, quality of life, etc. I don't say things to him like "f-you" and I used to write him really nice letters. Since I got to Iraq all I have gotten from him has been all hate, all the time.
Ok, so I got to go home on 15 days of R&R and I went to see a shrink. They don't really have shrinks here for anything but combat stress/post traumatic stress disorder stuff, and usually they just prescribe meds and send people on their way. So I saw a civilian shrink and I felt like a freak. I was trying to get advice about how to make a crumbling marriage work when you are both at war for a year and a half. Her solution was to stop talking to him. What do you all think? I won't see him again for at least another 6 months (we have been apart for a year). Does this sound like a good solution? Also, getting together and talking is NOT a solution (it is impossible unless we both like, get shot and end up in a hospital in Germany).
Not sure what to do, but willing to take suggestions... (Oh yeah, and we are DEFINITELY getting out of the military, but I need advice for RIGHT NOW...) Thanks!
