I am going to take Telly's advice and start a new thread. Thanks Telly.

The only thing left out in explaining this, is what the event was. I feel the event itself is irrelevant, and it's the relationship between all of us and how we all feel towards each other that's more important.

This situation in our marriage has caused great conflict, and now, whenever we discuss this, we always argue. Because the friendship has continued outside the marriage, it has been insinuated, that there was either an EA or A.

If my W's feelings are directly hurt by an action of a friend (female) of mine
AND
this action really pissed my W off
AND
I tell my friend she really hurt my W's feelings and pissed her off by what she did
AND
my W "tells me" my friend should apologize
AND
I have told my friend my W feels an apology is in order
BUT
my friend feels she did nothing wrong
AND
I also feel my friend did nothing wrong
AND
my friend does not feel she needs to apologize to my W because she feels she did nothing wrong
AND
my W doesn't want my friend around anymore because of this
AND
I continue our friendship regardless of how my W feels about it

That means when I see my friend, my W is never around.

...NOW...

because the apology has never been given from my friend
AND
this event took place almost a year ago
AND
I have continued my friendship with her
AND
my W still feels an apology is due (feels too late for apologies at this point)
AND
my W has not seen my friend in almost a year and does not want her around anymore
THAT
my W now holds resentment towards both of us, because no apology has been made and we are still friends
AND
by me not supporting my W feelings and telling my friend she needs to apologize, and she still refuses
THAT
my W feels I should think twice about the friendship I have with my friend
BECAUSE
no apology has been offered and I continue the friendship
AND
my W now feels I value the friendship more than I value our marriage.

My question is this:

Because there has never been an apology made to my W from my friend, and my friend still feels she owes no apology, should I continue the friendship with my friend, regardless of how it's affecting the relationship with my W?

OR

Should I tell my friend my W's needs and feelings are more important, and regardless if she feels she did anything wrong or not, that she should consider apologizing to my W, if she wishes to continue our friendship?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by crashing-down:
<strong> Because there has never been an apology made to my W from my friend, and my friend still feels she owes no apology, should I continue the friendship with my friend, regardless of how it's affecting the relationship with my W?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only if you want to continue rub salt into your wife's wounds.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I tell my friend my W's needs and feelings are more important...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... and regardless if she feels she did anything wrong or not, that she should consider apologizing to my W, if she wishes to continue our friendship? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Apology or not...your friendship with this woman should continue only if it continues being with you AND your wife.

Kathi

Thanks Kathi for taking the time to answer.

Anyone else care to share their opinions?

having more than one opinion would really help me on this :-)

Is an apology going to soothe any feelings your W has for the friend? Probably not. No matter how much it hurts you to cut off the friendship, your W has to come first. Ending the communication of that friendship will be very hard, trust me, I know.

I think that both of them should learn that the real gift is forgiveness .... and what we get for forgiving. Come on - can't both of them forgive and forget and everyone be freinds? If not, then your first priority is your spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by crashing-down:
<strong>
W now feels I value the friendship more than I value our marriage.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This should answer your question quite clearly. You should have ended your "friendship" a year ago. Why on earth would you choose another female over your wife and expect anyone to believe it's just an innocent friendship?

I was in your wife's shoes just a few months ago. My H now daily appologizes for his WRONG actions and fears that I will divorce him.

I probably sound angry to you, but I'm not. At the same time, I would never tell you that your "friend" is correct and that your wife is wrong in the way they feel. Your wife should come first ... no matter what!

my husband has a friend that he enjoyed too much. The woman got uncomfortable and stopped writing. Then he convinced her to write and I told her their relationship was damaging to the marriage. so she quit writing. now she writes sporadially but it's not the same relationship

Now my husband blames me for destroying that friendship and is angry and bitter about it.

You can guess how I feel - not all that important to him because he's choosing another woman over me

being anger and bitter at me is eating him up but he just can't forgive.

think what a bonus it would be to your relationship if you humbly went to your wife and said" you know I've made a mistake. You are the most important person in my life, I love you and I'm choosing you even if I don't think this is a big deal. I know it is to you so let's go on from here." You might have to experience a little bit of mad from your wife - deal with it - be patient - you'll make big deposits in her love bank but it will take a while for her hurt to go away.

Your situation is a real sore spot for me. I'm in a similar situation with my H. I think H's who have female friends outside the marriage, who may have said or done something that puts your marriage in jeopardy need to be cut. Period. End of dicussion. This should be a no-brainer for you.
How is hanging on to this female friend, whom your W obviously resents, nurturing and supporting your marriage? On the contrary, I think it is toxic and eating away at your love bank. The toxic poison of this other women will only damage your ability to have a healthy and happy relationship with your W. What a terrible feeling for a W to have to know that her H would risk his marriage to be friends with another woman.
I think you should tell your wife that you are so sorry to have caused her so much distress and do whatever you can to let her know that she is and will always be number one.
How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If your W had some other man hanging around, under the demise of just good friends? This rarely works and is a recipe for disaster. Dump the troublemaker and move on with your marriage. Otherwise, prepare for a rough road ahead of you.