Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#59586 08/06/04 04:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8
J
jemcon Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8
Has anyone experienced a feeling of intellectual incompatibility with their spouse? I'm not sure this is a good Subject heading, but my delemma is as follows:

My wife and I approach things very differently. I like to dig deep into a topic and thoroughly understand it, and I enjoy this process. She, on the other hand, tends to skim the surface and draw quick conclusions, and she does not seem to enjoy the learning process.

This difference is starting to make our conversations less and less enjoyable for me. She loves small talk, while I enjoy deeper topics.

Any suggestions?

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885
I'll put it the way my therapist told me....
"If your spouse doesn't like deep conversation as you do then find a group that you can join to satisfy that liking." Your spouse doesn't have to meet you in the minds....you love her for other reasons right??? Everybody has their hobbies and just becaseu we may not enjoy the same thing doesn't mean we can't live happily ever after! Good luck!!!

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 28
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 28
my husband and I are this way. It's not that I don't like deep conversations but that the topics of our interests are so vastly different. I like deep conversations about how and what makes people work he likes them about ideas and dreams. Could that be your problem? could you try some different topics where both of you set aside a time just to experiment with deep conversation.

another reason I don't have very deep conversations with my husband is because he is always right - so my views are not all that important. Maybe she is trying to protect her heart by being superficial because she doesn't feel safe when she does try to talk with you. Did you have deep conversations in the beginning of your marriage? If you did and don't now somethings happened there,,, keep trying... and like the last guy said maybe you can find a group if she really isn't into that kind of stuff. but don't let it be with another chick like my h did!!!

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8
J
jemcon Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8
Thanks for the perspective. You are both right.

I probably do need to join a group to satisfy this need. It's hard to take this advice right now because my free time is mostly spent with my family, but I'm working on it.

It's also true that I love her for other reasons, thanks for reminding me.

True, I get a better response from her if I talk to her about things that really interest her, and put aside those things that interest me.

Aliceone5, I think you may have really hit it on the head when you suggested "she is trying to protect her heart by being superficial because she doesn't feel safe when she does try to talk with you". I'm going to try to be more sensitive, and hope this leads to better conversation.

And, now that I think about it, we didn't have deep conversations earlier in our relationship (not in the way I would define a deep conversation today). This is because, back then, we discussed our life plans up to the point where we are now, but not beyond.

This brings me to the next troubling aspect of my relationship with my wife. I plan and she does not. And, now we are a middle-aged couple struggling with raising a family and planning for retirement, etc, etc... This is one topic I can not avoid that she tries desparately to avoid. Needless to say, if my wife were left in custody of our finances, we'd be broke.

Any additional suggestions???

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 28
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 28
you should read a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" by cloud and Townsend. It has a lot of help for changing you to be healthy and in the end your spouse has to change for her health too....

One of the things addressed in there is the bad boundaries your spouse seems to have with spending

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 44
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 44
I have had a similar problem with the planning. And this is what my counselor told me: Just accept it as your role. Don't expect him/her to do it, you are the Planner.

I am sure there other roles your wife has. This is one of yours. This way there is no arguing about who is going to call and make the arrangements. It's just part of your job.

Good Luck


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 28 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,544
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5