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#59586 08/06/04 04:02 PM
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jemcon Offline OP
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Has anyone experienced a feeling of intellectual incompatibility with their spouse? I'm not sure this is a good Subject heading, but my delemma is as follows:

My wife and I approach things very differently. I like to dig deep into a topic and thoroughly understand it, and I enjoy this process. She, on the other hand, tends to skim the surface and draw quick conclusions, and she does not seem to enjoy the learning process.

This difference is starting to make our conversations less and less enjoyable for me. She loves small talk, while I enjoy deeper topics.

Any suggestions?

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I'll put it the way my therapist told me....
"If your spouse doesn't like deep conversation as you do then find a group that you can join to satisfy that liking." Your spouse doesn't have to meet you in the minds....you love her for other reasons right??? Everybody has their hobbies and just becaseu we may not enjoy the same thing doesn't mean we can't live happily ever after! Good luck!!!

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my husband and I are this way. It's not that I don't like deep conversations but that the topics of our interests are so vastly different. I like deep conversations about how and what makes people work he likes them about ideas and dreams. Could that be your problem? could you try some different topics where both of you set aside a time just to experiment with deep conversation.

another reason I don't have very deep conversations with my husband is because he is always right - so my views are not all that important. Maybe she is trying to protect her heart by being superficial because she doesn't feel safe when she does try to talk with you. Did you have deep conversations in the beginning of your marriage? If you did and don't now somethings happened there,,, keep trying... and like the last guy said maybe you can find a group if she really isn't into that kind of stuff. but don't let it be with another chick like my h did!!!

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jemcon Offline OP
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Thanks for the perspective. You are both right.

I probably do need to join a group to satisfy this need. It's hard to take this advice right now because my free time is mostly spent with my family, but I'm working on it.

It's also true that I love her for other reasons, thanks for reminding me.

True, I get a better response from her if I talk to her about things that really interest her, and put aside those things that interest me.

Aliceone5, I think you may have really hit it on the head when you suggested "she is trying to protect her heart by being superficial because she doesn't feel safe when she does try to talk with you". I'm going to try to be more sensitive, and hope this leads to better conversation.

And, now that I think about it, we didn't have deep conversations earlier in our relationship (not in the way I would define a deep conversation today). This is because, back then, we discussed our life plans up to the point where we are now, but not beyond.

This brings me to the next troubling aspect of my relationship with my wife. I plan and she does not. And, now we are a middle-aged couple struggling with raising a family and planning for retirement, etc, etc... This is one topic I can not avoid that she tries desparately to avoid. Needless to say, if my wife were left in custody of our finances, we'd be broke.

Any additional suggestions???

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you should read a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" by cloud and Townsend. It has a lot of help for changing you to be healthy and in the end your spouse has to change for her health too....

One of the things addressed in there is the bad boundaries your spouse seems to have with spending

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I have had a similar problem with the planning. And this is what my counselor told me: Just accept it as your role. Don't expect him/her to do it, you are the Planner.

I am sure there other roles your wife has. This is one of yours. This way there is no arguing about who is going to call and make the arrangements. It's just part of your job.

Good Luck


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