I'm having issues already, and they're all my fault and I'm not sure what to do. Before we got married I had some bills to pay for the wedding. Well while my husband was out I used his ATM card and withdrew the money, and didn't tell him. Well after the wedding I gave him all the money that we had gotten. Which I took $400, and gave him $8000. Well he just found out by looking at bank statements, and is furious with me. He didn't want to get married in the first place because he was very protective over his money, so I hit a real sore spot with him. Well now he wants me to leave the house, and not talk about this, and I don't know what to do. I feel horrible about this, and want to talk about it, should i just leave or talk about this. I'm so miserable and upset, and have never done this before, it was just a really bad mistake, but now the mistrust is there, and I wonder if I just ruined everything. Please give me some advise

Are you miserable and upset because you were dishonest with your husband...because you hurt him? Or are you miserable and upset because of how he is reacting to your mistake (and hurting you)? I ask this because it seems that your actions were selfish and you should figure out whether your subsequent feelings are selfish or really in your husband's/marriage's best interest.

What you did was not an accident. You deceived him. Not only that, but you did so with his money which you knew was a huge issue for him...something that almost kept him from marrying you. Why? Again, you made a mistake, but it wasn't an accident. Why would you be dishonest with something you knew he would be upset about? Was it a test? Did you really believe he wouldn't find out? Was it to get attention?

I'm not trying to accuse you of anything...I'm trying to help you discover why you did what you did. YOU need to figure that out for yourself. Until you figure that out, I'd give your husband some space. Until you figure that out, how do YOU know it will never happen, again? If you don't know, then he shouldn't trust you.

From the limited information you provided, I'm guessing that he made it very clear to you what his monetary boundaries are. Then the first thing you do after you lock him into marriage is cross those boundaries. How would you feel if he crossed your boundaries?

Sorry if I sound attacking. Honesty and openness are the most important things to me in my relationship and I don't think I could forgive my husband if he did what you did with one of my explicit boundaries. What a slap in the face.

Smile

I am miserable and upset because of what I did, and how he reacted. We haven't even talken face to face yet. He cheated on me 6 months before we got married, and I forgave him. It took some time, and we did a lot of communicating to get through it, but I gave him another chance. And he knew that was a sore spot for me as well. I'm not a bad person I just made a horrible decision. It wasn't a test or to get attention, I guess at the time I wasn't thinking, and I was trying to tip toe around the money issue so I wouldn't get him upset. I know it would never happen again, but I know he doesn't and that't the problem. I really screwed up I know I did, but I can't lose him. We've been through everything, He has a horrible disease, and causes a lot of pain the relationship but I've stayed strong through everything, and I guess I'm just hoping he will be strong at least this one time, so I can prove to him that I won't do it again. Just like when he cheated I forgave him, but didn't forget. But you are right it was a slap in the face.

Reneey3138

Dear Yvette,
I can certainly hear that there is a lot of suffering going on from your posting. I realize mistakes were made, even deliberate ones, but why so MUCH self punishment ? Yes it was a thoughtless thing to have done , but hey, it's not like you blew away his pension plan! It's just a relatively small amount of money. I guess it's not really about the money though.... it's about his feelings, his trust, his boundaries...right? Well, perhaps he has to look at all the good things about you and your love for him. It sounds as though he has done his share of hurting you ! If you both want this marriage to work you will need to forgive each other's weaknesses and mistakes from time to time. That is not an endorsement for flagrant abuse, just making room for our bad behaviour sometimes. Repeated hurts and neglect are a totally different story, in my opinion anyway.
Yes, you may have to show him you will be respectful of agreed upon financial behaviours in the future. But I hope he doesn't expect to control every penny in the household. That's not right either ! There is quite a differece between $400 and an affair !! At least in my books !
So how about having a really good discussion/negotiation about what is most important to each of you, and start off again on a better footing. Each of you make an genuine effort to rebuild each other's trust.Be patient. Without trust, love has a really difficult time and sometimes simply can't survive. It needs to be nurtured. Above all stop being so hard on yourself, that kind of energy can eventually destroy both you and your marriage. Blessings !WA

I guess I have so much self-punishment because of how he's reacting, I never wanted to make him feel like this. I'm just totally miserable about this whole thing. This would have been our first weekend together as man in wife in our home, and I'm spending it at my parents home. I finally was able to talk to him yesterday and asked if I could come home today, and he said if I come home he'll file a police report against me for stealing his money. So I don't know what to do, everyone keeps telling me to go home, but I don't want to get home and deal with police. I also have been taking a lot of time off from work, because where we live we don't know anyone up there, so I can't really stay anywhere except a hotel. So I told him that if he has any desire at all to get back together I need to know because then I need to get back to work on Monday, and he said why should I care about your feelings, and your more then welcome to come home, but your not sleeping in the house, but your more then welcome to sleep in your car in the driveway. I truely feel bad about this, but I'm just starting to feel enough is enough. When he cheated I didn't kick him out of the house, I made him sleep in a seperate room one night, I mean to me this treatment is starting to be crazy. But I guess I'll go back Sunday, and see what happens. Thanks for listening.

Dear Yvette,
What a horror story ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It's almost unbelieveable !! Not you, I mean his reactions !
I'm no expert, but it sounds as though something is terribly wrong here and you are taking the brunt of it !! I would seriously consider talking to a lawyer before you do anything more. Creeping back to the house /his life, like a beaten animal, just so he has the opportunity to inflict more abuse on you doesn't make any sense to me. He's even warned you what to expect !!! Be VERY self protective. You are so vulnerable in many ways. A lawyer will help you to understand your options, from a legal perpective and hopefully your friends and family will support you through this difficult time. If they are not available for one reason or another, get some counselling for YOU. You matter !!
Wishing you love and safety! Hugs , WA

Wow...after hearing more details, I don't feel right taking his side at all. Not that this is about sides, but I also don't think it's right for any of us to pass a judgment on his feelings about the money. Basically, I was trying to speak from what might be his perspective, but after reading more about his reaction, I can't even imagine what is going through his head...that's just wrong!

In my opinion, his reaction is absurd; however, I still don't want to inflict my opinion of the severity of your actions--he has a right to his feelings. He does not have the right to abuse you. Hurting you back is not the way to repair the damage.
But, this goes way beyond hurt feelings. This smells of serious mental disorder.

Really sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there.
Smile

Hi Yvette, It's Warm ashes again here,
You know I was thinking some more about your situation after my last post to you and something interesting occurred to me. You said that the $400 came from wedding gifts, is that right ? I'm not sure how the laws are in your neck of the woods, but here in Canada that means 50/50. $4000 is yours and $4000 is his. He keeps his $4000 and expects to have total control over YOUR $4000 too ??! In fact all you kept for yourself is $400, and he got $3600.???....Hmmmmm!!! What do you think about this perspective?
If a divorce was to happen the day after your marriage that would be the way it would rack up !
Don't buy into the %$%#& ! Hugs, WA

What a jerk. you spent the money for both of you to get married. Did he complain when you gave him the $7600? I bet he kept it and never complained 1 bit. If his money means so much to him maybe he should have married his banker instead.

Dear Reneey,
When I read the thread, I could tell that you and your H had some unresolved issues before you got married and perhaps you should have waited. I would not go back given the unsafe circumstances at your house. The real issue is about trust, commitment, respect, honesty, etc. Values that have to be there in the very beginning of a relationship.
You mentioned that he cheated on you, yet you took him back. Yes, what you did was wrong, but certainly you have owed up to it, apologized, and H has totally over-reacted. Maybe he is using this as an excuse to blame you for a possible failed marriage. You and H need to talk some more. Does he love you? Does he want to work this out? How long does he plan to punish you by not allowing you to come home? Do you love him? Is this how he plans to deal with conflict in the future? He is being unreasonable. With the passage of time and some serious conversations about what's at stake here, I hope that you can work through this. I feel your pain and I am so sorry that your going through this difficult time. I hope that things improve and that everything works out for you. Seek some professional help and take good care of yourself. You will be alright.

Well he asked me come home on Friday. We talked for a little bit, and seems to be fine now. He's acting like nothing really happened at all. This is not normally how he deals with troubles or problems, but it does worry me. He came from a family that didn't get along very well, his parents had a bad marriage, and a lot of problems arose from that. His older brother is an alcoholic, his other brother is almost one, and his other brother is in jail. So there was a lot of suffering growing up. And when we started dating he always said he never wanted to get married, because of the family he came from, but eventually that changed. And I think the first signs of problems scared him, and he thought he was wrong about the whole marriage idea. I think we should see someone though, and work through these issue, what do you think??

Dear Reeney/Yvette (sorry I'm not sure how to refer to you),
I think it is a very good idea to get some solid counselling with you and your H. His own turbulent background will surely play into your life together. We all bring into our marriages the unresloved issues from those primary (early) relationships. If you bury your head in the sand, it really will just keep coming back, and you will suffer and suffer for his difficulties. The difficulties in and of themselves are not the worst part of the problem, it's the refusal to face them and deal with them. Controlling, abusive behaviour doesn't self correct, your H needs help. A life of being his scapegoat should be a frightening thought. Please get help ! Hugs WA

Hey Renney,
How's it going ? It has been a while since you last posted and I was thinking about you .
Hugs, WA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That's so nice!! Everything seems to be great, but he's feeling sick again, so I don't know if he's being so nice because he wants me to take care of him, or he is just over it. But we'll see. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.

Glad to hear from you Reeney,
Do stay in touch and let us know how things are going. Wishing you a fresh and happy start to your new life together.
Hugs, WA