My DH and I got into a disagreement last night about whether his primary commitment and reponsibility is to me or his children.
We have been together a total of 24 months and married for 8 months now. I'm 42, H is 47. H has two girls from a previous marriage, ages 15 and 23 years old. H strongly believes that if something happened to his daughter's mother and she was no longer able to raise the 15 year old, then H would relocate her to our state and she would live with us.
Now, I have no children and have never wanted any. My stepdaughter spent 8 week with us this summer. We both were exhausted, and financially drained when she left. For the record, I don't want to raise children, esp. someone elses. It may sound mean but I have no desire to be a mom. I never wanted kids.
I work full time outside the home and am the primary breadwinner. I have health issues and I spend alot of energy taking care of myself. I am chronically fatigued and don't want the stress of raising children. I made that decision when I was 16 years old.
My H gave a hypothetical example to express how he felt. H said that if his daugher and I were trapped in a burning building and he could only save one of us, he would save his daughter and not me. His rationale for this is that I'm older, have lived longer, and it would be the most practical thing to do.
H said that his daughter is his flesh and blood, his child, and as her parent, he has a duty to save her over me. I totally disagree. I told H when he married me, his first obligation is to me his W, not his daughter. I don't dislike my stepdaughter. She is a sweet kid, but I think H has it twisted. We are married. Our marriage vows make us one. His union is with me, not with his daughter. This was a tough discussion. We vehemently disagree.
What does the forum think? Should your spouse come before any other human being on the planet, even you kids?

My thoughts are that there is a fine line to walk and you are way on the other side of it. Should he blow off opera plans with you to rush to pick his daughter up from soccer because she forgot her key? No. But should her mom die, should she go live with her dad? Absolutely. What was your suggestion as to where the girl would go should that happen? An aunt?

Marriage forces us into a lot of situations we'd just as soon not be in, but some of them we need to compromise on for the sake of togetherness.

The girl is 15. If her mom died tomorrow, you're only looking at a "sentence" of 3 years before she's off to college. Chances are her mother will be around longer than that.

My honest opinion? Make nice.

Regarding the elevator on fire story. If your positions were reversed and some how your husband and your step-daughter were trapped inside and you could only pull out one (physical restraints aside), who would you reach for first? Or if these were two strangers, who would you reach for first?

Since you asked for opinions .....

The spouse should always come first in a marriage, first before the children the couple has. The family sacrifices for their children. The children need to know that their parents love each other, that Mom is first with Dad and that Dad is first in Mom's heart.

That said, you and your husband are not the biological parents of the 15 year old girl. She is already suffering because her parents are not living with her in the same home, and she doesn't see both of them every day. Your husband and his ex-wife don't even live in the same state as each other. So though technically your stepdaughter DOES have a father, in reality she only has 1/6 of a father (if she spends 2 months of the year with her father, she has him 1/6 of the time in her immediate vicinity.)

And she only has 5/6 of a mother.

Oh, and the "if you could only save one of us" question? If my son and I were in a burning building, and my husband could only save one of us, he da*n well BETTER save our son at the expense of my life. And I would do the same.

You don't sound mean at all when you say you don't want children. However, when you married this man, you knew there were children from his marriage. They don't conveniently evaporate when their father remarries a new love. And honestly, would you really have wanted to fall in love with and marry a man who would allow a woman to push his child off to the side?

The "if something happened to 15 yr old's mother" situation is hypothetical. Unless she is terminally ill, or some disaster strikes her, the situation is just a "what if."

Your husband and his past, including the children, are a package deal.

You have a health situation that exhausts you. I believe you are managing it as well as can be done. Your stepdaughter is likely to come and visit again, and further exhaust you. Maybe some of the posters here can brainstorm with you about ways to conserve your energy, organize life while the girl is there so that your husband is doing the majority of the work, and you go off to a yoga or stretch class or a massage at a massage school (in my area they are $39.00 for 30 minutes.)

I sympathize, honestly. kids are exhausting at their best, and at our best.

Hi I'm new here but not new to marriage. I caught this post when I was glancing around and felt drawn to it.
Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth, marriage isn't an either or. What makes sense at the time is what needs to happen.
I am married to a wonderful man. He has 3 kids from a prior marriage and I have 2 from a previous one myself. All but one of them is grown up. Now what I want to emphasize is that we strive to make our respective partners at the top of the list but sometimes what that means is that the kids do come first. It's a relative issue. If you have a child and they are in the hospital but your wife wants you to go shopping do you choose to go to the hospital or choose to go shopping? Clearly you would choose to spend time with the ill child because the need is greater. But take the flip side and say a child has a sporting event and the wife is ill do you stay home and take care of wifey or go watch the game? You stay home, of course.

A reality check is this. Your husband had his children prior to you entering the picture. You knew he had children with someone else prior and yet you chose to marry him anyway. So whether you wanted to parent someone elses child or not you went along with the idea and the possibility that something could happen to the mom and he could wind up with the daughter. You sort of did it by omission but you did it none the less. And if you didn't consider that as a potential I would ask you, "what were you thinking?" Honestly, we all have so many problems and so many things come up and to argue about something that could happen but hasn't seems a little premature. I know this sounds a little brusk but what I am trying to convey is when you choose to bring a child into the world you don't have the right to absolve yourself of obligation merely because your partner wants you to. You are obligated to provide for emotional needs as well as physical needs until the child reaches the age of majority. You as step parent don't have the same obligation but you can't negate your husbands obligation because it's not what you ever saw for youself. It's not that you don't count in the picture but his obligation existed before you were there. He must fulfill it. When the child is grown once again he will have the ability to be all yours with the idea that there are still weddings and babies being born that might take him from your side. To try to force him into turning his back on his children is reprehensible!
As for his comment about the fire, my guess is that he was a little miffed that youw would even consider asking him to turn his daughter over to whoever should something happen to the mom. Still, it is a hard decision and one that can't be made without full knowledge of circumstances. I know for me it would depend on who was more accessible and ultimately my goal would be to try to save both. I think your husband said it out of spite.
Take care and good luck.