My wife tells me I have verbally abused her for 12 years. Unfortunately I did not seek counselling and thought I could solve it myself and then she left me. Well now I got the picture and I'm see a psychiatrist and therapist for my anger. My wife is very distant. Can anyone help me understand the stages she will go through. Deep down I know she wants to make it work but she has to see the changes.

Dear LHD,
It is a good thing that you have taken steps to address your abuse issues. It's not an easy thing to recognize or change, but with hard work it can be done. From your post you mentioned that you believe your wife wants the relationship to work.
Since I understood she left, how do you know this ? Are you communicating ? Seeing each other?
To have tried unsuccessfully to resolve matters with you for over 12 years must have worn her down terribly.Having been on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for many years, I can only relate to my own experience here. Verbal abuses, over time, erodes away your total sense of self. Some people become so numbed out they can't take any steps to help themselves. You eventually start to believe every awful thing that is said to you, your esteem goes in the toilet and you can't imagine anyone wanting to listen to you, let alone be with you. You feel disgusting and disgusted. It is a long way back !
Is your wife getting conselling for herself ? She needs to restore herself, before she can engage in any other healthy relationship.Emphasis on the word "healthy". I'm sure you have heard that you can't love anyone until you can love yourself ?
Well sadly, after so many years of abuse, it's going to take time. You are probably quite correct about her needing to see the changes in you. In my opinion, it will almost be like starting back at the beginning for the two of you. Trust has to be completely rebuilt. Working at your relationship without living together would probably be easier. But first, be SURE she's even interested. If so, take things very slowly and lovingly.She gave you 12 years.... now it's your turn !

Yes she is also getting counselling but has asked for her space right now. She has requested that I go into counselling with her in the same room and we did that once but the counsellor suggested that we medicate my bipolar disorder first which I guess makes sense. I'm having a hard time with the minimum communication we are having. I'm analysing every word out of my mouth and hers. What can I do to help her heal. I'm trying to help with the kids as much as I can. The arrangements are I take them on the weekends and she takes them during the week and I call nightly to talk to the kids. Is there anything else I can do?

Dear LHD,
Glad to hear back from you and welcome to MB !
I wish there was a quick answer or a magic key that I could suggest , to your wife's heart, but I don't think there is one. She has been emphatic about her need for space and I think that is a good place to begin. There is nothing like being "pushed", to turn one in the other direction. Was your bipolar disorder diagnosed and medicated all the way along, or was that discovered later in your marriage? Your counsellors suggestion about medication before sessions seems like a good idea. How do you normally take it ? Have you been taking it as prescribed ? Now ? In the past?
It sounds as though you are making every effort to show your wife that you want her back, with regards to your children. Your love and care for them will play an important part, but I was wondering about a few little NON PUSHY things that you might be able to do, to show her that (a) your will PATIENTLY RESPECT the the time she needs yet (b)somehow inobtrusively convey your ongoing love for her. Please remember these are only my ideas, thoughts etc, things that might work for me. You know your wife's heart! One of the BIGGEST things for me would be to hear that "you WILL WAIT FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES, graciously !"
What about flowers every so often.... not too often, say once a week ??? How about a love letter once in a while ? Again, I must emphasize,
if you know this wouldn't be appreciated, don't do it ! Can you remember the things that your wife loved about you when you were courting ?
Could you show her any of those behaviours, and still respect her space ? ie. courtesy, gentleness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, respect, generosity etc. ? I'm afraid you are going to have to WIN/EARN her love back. Her "love bank" is probably very much in the red.
If she has asked for you to join her in counselling, then I believe that it shows she still cares about you. This is your strongest card. Don't BLOW IT ! You CAN'T force things to happen any faster. Your urgency will only delay things, and possibly remind her of the "old you". If your anxiety is over the top, talk to your doctor, he/she may have something to assist you. Forgive me rambling on, maybe it might give you some food for thought !
Wishing you happiness ! WA

I was diagnosed with bipolar after the separation. My wife and doctor suspected it a year ago but were scared to tell me because I was such a closed person. (Not a person I want to be, I had alot of childhood trauma with a mother who drank and tried to commit suicide which I'm finding out now has given me many insecurities in life) I will be starting medication next week after some results come in on blood etc... She asked me to go to counciling about a month ago but I just did not get it. I thought that it was all about me and my anger and I could stop the anger myself by some cd's I purchased but the damage was already done. I was hoping that now that she sees that a part of my anger was really a chemical imbalance in my body that she might be more open to our relationship but I don't think that will be the case. I don't intend on stopping my therapy or medication and I will do what ever it takes. I love her, but I am very lonely.

Dear LHD,
So glad to hear that you are carrying on with therapy and your medication. It is essential for you regardless of who you are with or what you are doing. Your background explains a lot and the two of you must have been through H---. You both have a lot of independent work and healing to do before any relationship issues can really be focused on. Once you have become stablized on your medication,(be sure to check with your doctor about how long this will take ) things should start to flow better. Your wife and children will begin to notice the difference in your behaviour, you will feel more in control of yourself. The therapy should start to help you deal with your childhood traumas and insecurities and in time you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. Why can I say this? Because I've been there !! Devastating abandonment issues, personality distortions and behaviours and years in and out of therapy.I am so much better now, so much better able to handle life. Loneliness was a terrible problem for me too, and my heart goes out to you. Do know that it can get better, but you are going to have to work very hard for quite a long time. Try to find companionship,supportive friends, family, maybe even join a support group for people who struggle with the same issues. When you are alone, all the fears and dark demons seem to rush back, and you will have to learn to be alone and be content with you own company at times. But it is all a process. Try to be patient with yourself and know that it will come. We never quite know what "IT" will look like, but it will be better than today.
One of the mistakes we all make, is we want "IT" to look just a certain way, and that is not always possible. Know one thing LHD,if you do your very best, God will surely support you in WHATEVER IS IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS. That's where we need to trust !
Wishing you happiness, WA

How long do you think it will take?

Dear LHD,
I don't think anyone can give you a real answer to that question. There are so many variables, but what I can suggest is, than you should begin to notice incremental positive changes as you heal and your recovery progresses. Your doctor can give you details about what to expect from the medication, and you will have to work with him/her honestly so that it can be adjusted properly to your needs and circumstances. The other aspects are probably going to be less distinct, but as I suggested, look for the gradual changes in yourself and others. Little things perhaps, like how you feel when you get up in the morning, your sense of humour, joy in simple things, more patience, less reactivity, less self criticism, and criticism of others, a sense of optimism etc. etc. We do ourselves a great disservice, when we pile on time limited expectations. It's almost like setting yourself up for failure. One time honoured way of trying to gauge progress, is to look backwards at your life. How was I, say a month ago, or 6 months or 1 year etc. That way you might be able to get a better sense of how well things are moving. There are no magic bullets, no quick fixes for the human spirit. Only love, hard work and perseverence will really get you where you hope to go. Keep your chin up, things will get better ! Warm wishes, WA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Warm ashes:
<strong> Dear LHD,
It is a good thing that you have taken steps to address your abuse issues. It's not an easy thing to recognize or change, but with hard work it can be done. From your post you mentioned that you believe your wife wants the relationship to work.
Since I understood she left, how do you know this ? Are you communicating ? Seeing each other?
To have tried unsuccessfully to resolve matters with you for over 12 years must have worn her down terribly.Having been on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for many years, I can only relate to my own experience here. Verbal abuses, over time, erodes away your total sense of self. Some people become so numbed out they can't take any steps to help themselves. You eventually start to believe every awful thing that is said to you, your esteem goes in the toilet and you can't imagine anyone wanting to listen to you, let alone be with you. You feel disgusting and disgusted. It is a long way back !
Is your wife getting conselling for herself ? She needs to restore herself, before she can engage in any other healthy relationship.Emphasis on the word "healthy". I'm sure you have heard that you can't love anyone until you can love yourself ?
Well sadly, after so many years of abuse, it's going to take time. You are probably quite correct about her needing to see the changes in you. In my opinion, it will almost be like starting back at the beginning for the two of you. Trust has to be completely rebuilt. Working at your relationship without living together would probably be easier. But first, be SURE she's even interested. If so, take things very slowly and lovingly.She gave you 12 years.... now it's your turn ! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Warm ashes:
<strong> Dear LHD,
It is a good thing that you have taken steps to address your abuse issues. It's not an easy thing to recognize or change, but with hard work it can be done. From your post you mentioned that you believe your wife wants the relationship to work.
Since I understood she left, how do you know this ? Are you communicating ? Seeing each other?
To have tried unsuccessfully to resolve matters with you for over 12 years must have worn her down terribly.Having been on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for many years, I can only relate to my own experience here. Verbal abuses, over time, erodes away your total sense of self. Some people become so numbed out they can't take any steps to help themselves. You eventually start to believe every awful thing that is said to you, your esteem goes in the toilet and you can't imagine anyone wanting to listen to you, let alone be with you. You feel disgusting and disgusted. It is a long way back !
Is your wife getting conselling for herself ? She needs to restore herself, before she can engage in any other healthy relationship.Emphasis on the word "healthy". I'm sure you have heard that you can't love anyone until you can love yourself ?
Well sadly, after so many years of abuse, it's going to take time. You are probably quite correct about her needing to see the changes in you. In my opinion, it will almost be like starting back at the beginning for the two of you. Trust has to be completely rebuilt. Working at your relationship without living together would probably be easier. But first, be SURE she's even interested. If so, take things very slowly and lovingly.She gave you 12 years.... now it's your turn ! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So glad to hear that someone else understands the emotions that I have gone through. Try 27 years of it! First 20 were great. Then my husband had a heart attack at 37, & bi-pass surgery at 39. Since then he has changed from a wonderful guy into a mean, abusive jerk. I realize that he probably had depression, but would not accept help. But it's not just that, lots of other personality changes. Have tried many Aves. for help, with no results. Have left a couple of times, but came back. Problem is it's not all bad all the time. I think the decision would be easy if it was. I keep hoping some day he'll get back to the great guy he used to be.

Help! When posting my reply, accidentally reposted "Warm ashes" reply twice? I have no idea how I! Sorry